Toxic Relationships of Enablers

We all can agree that when we think about toxic relationships we think of those relationships where physical, verbal, or emotional abuse is present. Dysfunctional relationships such as alcoholism, drug abuse, and even workoholism fall into this category also.

As I have studied people and relationships over the years, I have come to understand that toxic relationships can be much more subtle than that. We need to broaden our scope of thinking to include such partners that might be classified as enablers.

Why is a relationship with an enabler a toxic relationship? Quite simply, enablers don't hold you accountable for what you say or do. When things don't go as planned, they may say "It's all right.", "Maybe it will be better next time.", "It wasn't your fault.", and on and on. Now, these statements in and of themselves are not hurtful. However, if your effort is less than 100% in whatever you were trying to do, they are not holding you accountable. It doesn't matter whether you are working on a business project, a home project or your relationship, If you are not being held accountable for what you say and do, they are hurting you! They are not helping you be the best person you can be.

This doesn't mean that you won't stumble and fall. It doesn't mean that you won't have hard times to work through. What it does mean is that they are allowing you to do things in a half hearted manner...including your relationship. This also means that the enabler does not value themselves. They are settling for less than the best from you. They are telling themselves that they can't or maybe shouldn't expect the best from you, themselves or anyone else.

We all should strive to be the best partner we can be. Enablers remove most of the accountability. So, why should we be any better than our partner expects us to be?

An extraordinary relationship is built on both people giving 100% to the other. If you're not being responsible or accountable you're not the person you have the potential to be. If you are the one that is the enabler, you are settling and setting yourself up for continuous disappointment. 

As I look back on my relationships, I have found that I have been attracted to enablers. Why? Because it's the easy path in life. I have found that the most fulfilling life I can lead is the one where I am fully accountable, fully present, fully participating in the relationship. This can only happen when I am maintain my personal integrity and follow through on my daily responsibilities, goals and desires.

Ultimately it falls on each of us to recognize and admit our own weaknesses and to prevent the enablers in our lives from accepting less from us.


If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Raise your standards!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

What do I mean by raise your standards? I mean that you need to start expecting more from the man or woman you are dating. As a society, we have "dumbed down" our expectations for a great relationship. We have been taught that we can't have everything we want in a relationship. We are told we need to compromise.

One of the most common statements I hear from new clients is "Well, maybe I'm too picky." More often than not, this stems from the fact that they have not been successful in their search for the right relationship. People generally will accept a mate that has some or even most of the qualities they are looking for, but end up being disappointed because there is something missing. They are not in a relationship that is fulfilling. They just haven't been picky enough. Their standards for a relationship are too low. Consequently they are continually disappointed. Does this sound familiar to you?

It saddens and frustrates me when I hear marriage and relationship experts say that you have to become selfless and give up your dreams and goals for the greater good of a marriage. I will agree with that only to the extent that you recognize that you chose poorly when you decided to marry and now you have to struggle to maintain a less-than-extraordinary marriage. If you had chosen better in the first place, if you hadn't settled, if you had listened to your gut instinct, you wouldn't be where you are today. You wouldn't be in a mediocre marriage or, in many cases, divorced.

Raise your standards for yourself and the one you are searching for. Make sure you are a person you would love to date. If you aren't, get to work on the things you need to improve. In the meantime, wait for the right relationship even though it is time consuming and sometimes lonely. It's okay to keep searching until you have found your perfect mate. I can hear many of you saying "Rick, no one is perfect!" Notice I didn't "the" perfect mate! I said "your" perfect mate. It is my total belief that we all have someone out there that is perfect for us. They possess all of our "Must Haves" and we posses all of theirs. There are no compromises on core values.

When you ultimately find your perfect partner, you will more than likely find that they have everything you were looking for and more. This person you find will far exceed your expectations. Raise your standards instead of compromising and settling! You will end up being much happier in the long run.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Defining Moments!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

Most relationships have defining moments. Some of these moments are life changing and some are not. They can take a relationship form poor to good, from good to great, or from great to extraordinary. They also have the potential to end a relationship. First, let's explore the meaning of a "defining moment". Dictionaries explain it this way.

• A moment in time that defines something, such as a person's success or failure, achievement or demise, talent, etc. 
• A point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified.

As we look at these definitions, think of some "defining moments" that you have experienced. A couple that come to mind for me are death of a loved one, illness, and job loss. Others that may be less traumatic, but still significant defining moments might be getting caught in a lie, cheating, or stealing. These are but a few of the possibilities for defining moments. Each situation brings its own special challenges to a relationship. How each of person responds will help determine the success or failure of that relationship.

How do you handle any of these situations? Do you withdraw, become quiet, and keep your feelings and emotions to yourself? Or, do you open up and share what you are going through and what you might need in the form of support from your mate? If you did something that hurt your mate or violated their trust, intentionally or not, are you mature enough to admit your wrong doing, make the necessary changes to your life and work on rebuilding or repairing your relationship? Do you deny any wrong doing and blame your partner? Or, do you just walk way and not address the issues? The way you handle these issues will show whether you have strong moral character and your level of emotional maturity.

As the partner of someone going through some of these issues, are you supportive and comforting or do you walk away and leave your mate to take care of themselves? If you have been hurt, are you willing to talk about the issues are do you walk away from the relationship?

I'm not here to tell you what to do or how to respond. I'm here to tell you that what you do and how you handle any given situation can be the difference between success (not without struggle) or failure of a relationship. How you react will demonstrate your moral character and level of emotional maturity. Are you going to stick it out, be supportive and work at making your relationship better, or are you going to give up and walk away?

I have only scratched the surface about relationship issues. Only you can determine whether your relationship is worth working on and fighting for. In many situations there comes a time when you have done all that you can do and it's time to walk away. When is that time? That is for you to decide. I will tell you that if physical or emotional abuse is involved, you need to walk away! If lying, manipulation or some form of codependency is involved, you should walk away. These are all forms of toxic relationships. Any form of toxic relationship that you may be involved in is one you should walk away from.

Don't hang on and try to fix or change someone. It doesn't work. You are wasting your time. It's time to move on.

If your situation is one of dealing with the stress of an unusual situation such as death, illness or job loss, be as supportive and understanding as you can. If the relationship was a good one, invest the time and effort to help your mate deal with their issues. It will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The Power of Our Beliefs!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

Over the past couple of weeks I've had the pleasure to lead or be a part of several singles groups. One of the recurring themes is that 'we cannot have everything we want in a relationship'. I've heard repeated stories of people that grew up with parents that were madly in love, never fought (at least in front of the children), and actually had a child-like playfulness to their relationship. These stories are consistently followed up by the statement that "These types of relationships don't exist anymore." and "That kind of love just can't be found anymore."

These statements make the assumption that all the good men and women are taken and that you can't possibly find the love you are looking for. If you believe that extraordinary love just doesn't exist anymore, maybe you're right. Let's just assume for a minute that you believe this. How does that make you feel knowing that you will never experience the love of your life? I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty depressing to me.

Now, indulge me for a minute. I know you're right, real love can't possibly exist in today's society! We all believe what we believe for a reason. In spite of seeing what a great relationship should look like as you grew up, you have had some bad experiences with relationships. You've been burned! You've seen your friends go through bad relationships. So now, because of what you have experienced both personally and through conversations with others, you have formed this belief that there is no such thing as a great relationship anymore. You have to settle for what you can find and hope for the best. Is this a pretty good illustration of what your relationships are all about?

For those of us that grew up in dysfunctional homes (which is about 85% of us), relationships are just as challenging and sadly we never got to experience the joy of seeing our parents deeply in love.

A change of perspective

Now, let's look at love and relationships from a different perspective. What would you have to believe for extraordinary love to exist? What conditions would have to exist for you to believe it is out there and waiting for you? If extraordinary love did exist and you were sure there was someone out there just for you, how would that make you feel?

"If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!" ~ Henry Ford

Our beliefs will help us succeed or help us fail at almost anything in life. More times than not it's our beliefs that stand in our way of success at anything; business, relationships, or love! Simply by shifting your belief system from one of scarcity to one of abundance you can start to experience greater happiness and contentment than ever before.

With the limited space we have here, it's not easy to explain how to make this shift. It can be done and is not that difficult once you understand the process and apply it. The key is to fundamentally shift your thinking to change your current set of beliefs. Understand that everything may not be as it appears. Armed with different information, new beliefs, and a willingness to be open to new possibilities will help you advance your dating and relationship life.

If you have not had the privileged to experience an extraordinary relationship, maybe it's time to take and inward look to re-evaluate your personal beliefs. Are they limiting you and your success with relationships?

If you would like to learn more about changing your beliefs about dating and relationships, please contact me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Which is the Best On-line Dating Site for You? #Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

It is estimated that there are over 1,500 dating websites today. Frequently I'm asked which is the best one to use. Over time I have developed my recommendations based on personal experiences with many of the more popular sites and also based on the stories and results my clients share with me. I usually recommend starting with one or more of the more popular websites and see what results you get and make adjustments from there.

Recently I came across a review of the top on-line dating sites by Reviews.com. While the process may be a bit subjective, it appears to be solid and, coincidentally, affirms my thoughts about some of these sites. If you have questions about which site to use, this article shares some great information on where to start, how to proceed, and what to look out for. It is well worth your time to read.

Here is a link to their review. http://www.reviews.com/online-dating-sites/

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please refer them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Six Characteristics of Healthy Relationships #Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

I had the pleasure of sitting in on a group discussion about relationships and boundaries. It was a great conversation and quite eye opening for me. One of the things I observed was that most people are afraid of being hurt...again. They conceptually know that they have to be open and vulnerable to be able to move into a new relationship, but most were not at a place where they felt comfortable to do so. Part of their inability to move forward stems from their inability to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship in a timely manner. They thought they would have to spend months, if not years, getting to know someone before they would know if they were in a healthy relationship or not.

There are a number of things we need to work out as we negotiate our way through the maze of dating obstacles. One of the major hurdles is that about 85% of us grew up in a dysfunctional home. It may not have been severely  dysfunctional, but there was some dysfunction none the less. That means that most of us don't know what a normal healthy relationship should look like. In most cases, our sense of normal is what we grew up with so that is our benchmark and that is what we look for and accept in our adult relationships. Sadly, we usually find out way too late that we have made a mistake. Worse yet is that most people don't recognize the flaw in their decision making process and continue to make poor relationship decisions.

Here are six key characteristics to help you identify a healthy relationship.

1. Deal with reality constructively.

There should be healthy open communication that allows for differences of opinion. You both should be able to tolerate constructive criticism. You will rejoice in the other's success, not envy it.

2. Have an ability to adapt to change.

Life brings daily challenges and opportunities to change and grow. Healthy relationships are dynamic, not static. This means the the relationship will evolve over time. All growth and change involves taking some risk and accepting some discomfort.

3. Be able to make long-range decisions.

Long range decisions are the ones in which we need to postpone immediate gratification for the greater benefit of future results. The ability to delay present desires to achieve a long-term goal is one sign of emotional maturity. An example is investing your tax refund for retirement instead of buying that big screen TV.

4. Must have a reasonable degree of independence.

As small children, we require assistance and constant nurturing. As we grow, we begin to explore the world around us. As we move through the various life stages, we gain the ability to make decisions alone and become independent. Mature relationships have a balance of respect for individual need and dependence. This is called interdependence. Interdependence in a healthy relationship allows one to feel that he or she wants to be with their mate but doesn't need to be with them.

5. Must have satisfactory relationships with others.

Emotional health is demonstrated by your ability to relate to others and work in groups successfully. In a healthy relationship, you both will have friends outside of the relationship. Your world will not be solely dependent on someone else for your happiness. Emotional health can also be gauged by the need to always be right, feeling rejected when others don't agree with you, and consistently negative, hostile, or inconsiderate responses to others.

6. Should be able to work productively.

Having a job is a great place to start. We all have issues at work from time to time. However, there are those people that cannot hold a job consistently, complain about their job, their supervisor, or the people they work with. Continual trouble completing work assignments or achieving goals can be the result of emotional conflict. Emotionally healthy people should be able to hold a steady job, help resolve work issues and demonstrate their ability to achieve goals.

One of the most effective tools I have found to help in your search for an extraordinary relationship is the use of the Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. While some of you will bristle at the thought of being so definitive and structured, these are great tools to help you step back from the infatuation and raging hormones of a "new" relationship. (Note: studies show that infatuation will last anywhere from a few months to 4 years.)  It is important to not waste time in the wrong relationship for any reason. 

One of my clients now wishes she had taken my advice 18 months ago to walk away from a less than great relationship. While he truly loves the woman, they have significant communication issues as well as some differences in core values. Now, she has health issues and he finds it difficult, if not impossible, to walk away in her time of need. This is not an opportune time to leave a relationship, but is there every really a good time? There will always be something, a life event, personal issues, the holidays, etc. to stand in your way of exiting a poor relationship. By not making the decision to leave, you default to the decision to stay.

It is quite common for women to want to work on a less-than-extraordinary relationship to make absolutely sure they did everything in their power to make it work. Men, on the other hand, are a little less willing to put in as much effort into a relationship in general. You need to decide how far you want to go to make a relationship work. My experience tells me that if all the elements are not there in the beginning, no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you change, no matter how much the other person tries to change, there will always be something missing. Can you develop that relationship to the pint that it would be a good one? Absolutely! The question I always ask is; Do you want to settle for a relationship that is just "good" or do you want a relationship that is extraordinary? If you want extraordinary there is no settling for less!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

How do you know when you have an extraordinary relationship? 

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

The simple answer is; you'll just know...and your mate will know. This is not something that you will necessarily know or feel on the first couple of dates. You will just sense that there is something different about the person you are with. Here are a few characteristics that are common to soul mate or extraordinary relationships.

• The two or you will find yourselves smiling for no particular reason when you think of the other.
• You both look forward to your next conversation.
• You both find yourselves paying more attention to details and conversations.
• You both find yourselves wanting to spend more time with each other than anyone else.
• You will participate in events or do things you never imagined just because it makes your significant other happy.
• You discover (usually by accident) that you have common likes and dislikes.
• You share core values.
• You find yourselves developing an emotional connection rather quickly.
• You share common spiritual beliefs and values.

These are just some of the things you may recognize. There will be other things that my be more specific to your relationship.

In the beginning your relationship will be very exciting. You will probably have long conversations and not know where the time went. You may even have long periods of silence where you just enjoy being in the same room together yet not speak a word. You will feel butterflies in your stomach when you are about to see each other again. There is a certain giddiness or excitement when you are together. This is all part of infatuation.

As the infatuation wears off, you will start to discover other aspects of your mate. You may discover that they have some habits or traits that you are not crazy about, but you are willing to compromise or make adjustments for these traits. You discover that you have a love for each other that you have never experienced before.

There will be a give and take in your relationship. Your focus will be on making decisions that are best for the relationship and not specifically what is best for either one of you. You will discover that your lover is also your best friend. Most of the time when one of you is emotionally down, the other will be there to lift you up and be supportive. When life gets tough, the two of you will be able to talk about things, work things our and move forward.

This is just a simple description of some of the characteristics of an extraordinary relationship. The feelings and emotions are almost beyond description. The feelings of love and connection you have with each other along with the happiness and contentment you both feel literally transcends words. When you have this in your relationship, you have an extraordinary relationship. Settle for nothing less.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.