Love does not guarantee "happily ever after".

Most of us have fallen deeply in love with someone.  However, for one reason or another, that love was not strong enough to sustain the relationship.  When a relationship ends, we all suffer a certain level of grief.  It doesn't make any difference why the relationship ended, how long it lasted, who ended it, how good it was or how bad it was.  We all are going to grieve when we feel a loss.  It is a natural part of the healing process.

There are seven stages of grief (you can look them up on your own) and we all pass through each of theses stages, not necessarily in order and sometimes we revisit certain stages more than once. 

I often tell people that only you can control your emotions.  No one else can control them unless you give them permission to do so.  The emotion of grief is different in that only you can deal with it.  You cannot give control of your grief to anyone else.  It is yours and yours alone.  While your grief may be triggered by someone else's actions, they cannot control your reactions.  Your grief, your loss, is something that only you can work through.

Love is a very powerful emotion and when a relationship ends we will usually carry that love with us for a long time to come.  It may dwindle in time and we will move on.  Cherish the experience of loving someone even if it didn't work out as you had planned.  It is part of the human experience and adds to the richness of life.  Learn more about yourself from a love lost.  What things could be done differently?  What things can be done better next time?  What characteristics do we need to look out for in our next relationship?

To learn more, check out my book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate at luv4alifetime.com where you can read the first chapter free of charge.

Saying you're sorry doesn't necessarily fix what you have said or done.

Are you living by double standards?

Many of us have double standards.  We expect lenience and forgiveness from our friends and loved ones yet we are not so lenient and forgiving in return.  Why?  I believe that we set expectations for our relationships that are sometimes very hard to live up to.  So hard, in fact, that we don't apply the same expectations to ourselves.

Here is an example of what I mean.  I was talking with a friend recently about her expectations for her mate.  She grew up in a very verbally abusive home.  Consequently, she does not want to be in a relationship where there is any name calling of any sort.  The first offense is a deal breaker for her.  (By the way, this is one of her unwritten rules of relationships and that is a subject for another blog.)  Yet, to hear her talk, she questions why her boyfriend would be willing to "throw their relationship away" so quickly after more than one offence.  This is the double standard.

How many other double standards do you live by?  Do you expect your mate to do all the house cleaning and then you don't lift a finger to help?  Do you expect a back or neck rub and are not willing to give one in return?  These are just a couple of simple examples.  I'm sure you can come up with many more.  Share yours with me so others can learn.

Living with double standards can create hurdles in your relationship.  If the double standards are severe enough, they can cause your mate to build emotional walls that may be insurmountable.  They can be relationship ending.  Consider your double standards.  Are they there for a reason?  Can they be changed?

Can you live up to the standards you set for other people?

Why do you want to be in a relationship?

This is an important question to ask. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Is it because you want companionship...someone to do things with? Or, is it something deeper? Are you looking for more than a superficial relationship? Are you looking for someone to truly connect with intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically? We all walk different paths in life, but one common need we all have is the need for connection to others. Are you open to and emotionally available to be a part of a deep meaningful relationship?

Where do you draw the line? When do you end a relationship that appears to be the wrong one?

Those are questions I get on a regular basis. The answer is not always clear. If you are in a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you cannot leave quickly enough. If there is alcohol or substance abuse, you can't leave quickly enough. Then, there are situations that nothing appears to be wrong. In fact, everything appears to be right yet it doesn't feel quite right. This is where gut instinct needs to be your guide. If it feels like you need to stay in the relationship, then stay. If not, then move on.

I'm a huge proponent of not wasting time in a less than extraordinary relationship. On the other hand, sometimes it takes a season or two to figure out if he or she might be the right one. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and see what happens.