Random thoughts about #love and #relationships.

We are all susceptible to doing crazy s**t in the name of love!  It doesn't make any difference how strong we think we are, we are all susceptible to doing crazy or irrational things after a relationship ends.  It could be something like driving past an ex-boyfriend's house late at night or frequenting their favorite hangout in hopes of running into them again.  It could be making a phone call just to hear their voice and hanging up.  Or maybe its just looking at their Facebook page to see what they have been up to.  We have to learn to resist these urges.  Instead, write a letter with all your feelings and just not send it.  The mere act of writing gets your feelings out of your head and heart and on paper and helps release you from the crazy thoughts.

We all have a need for Love, Security and Significance.  We all want to feel loved by someone special.  We all want the security of knowing we have a roof over our head, food to eat, clothes to wear and that we will have no threat of losing them.  We all want to be significant to someone else.  It doesn't mean we have to be significant in the eyes of the world, but in the eyes of those closest to us.

All relationships take effort to maintain.  In an extraordinary relationship, the effort seems easy.  Most of us put most of our effort into developing a new relationship and much less in maintaining it.  When you stop making the effort, the relationship starts to fade and will eventually come to an end. 

Dating is an adventure!  Enjoy the journey and date consciously.  Make thoughtful decisions about the people you date and the relationships you get into.

The most powerful women I know are still women.  In public, they have a strong persona.  In private, they still long to be loved, cherished and cared for.  The most influential men I know also have a strong public persona.  In private, they long to be appreciated, respected and loved.

Low self-esteem is the greatest adversary of a loving relationship.  Low self-esteem makes one think they are not worthy or deserving of a great relationship; causes them settle for less than what they desire in a relationship and are not good enough for their soul mate.  And since they are unsure or don't believe in their ability to be loved, they may question their mate's ability to love.

Fear keeps us in poor relationships!  We are afraid of being alone.  We think we will never find anyone better than who we are with right now.  We can't make it on our own.  We are afraid of hurting someone's feelings.  What fears are keeping you in a poor relationship?

You live by the world view that you cannot have everything you want in your next relationship.  That would be very selfish and self-centered!  There is no such thing as a perfect person.  People that choose to live by this belief fail to recognize that you don't need to find a perfect person.  What you have to search for is the perfect person for you!

We live with the belief that the perfect relationship is based on a feel good movie theme or romance novel.  Unfortunately we don't have the Hollywood script writers or romance novelists to write the perfect lines for us for every conversation or situation that arises.  We need to understand that in any relationship, life happens!  Good things and bad things will occur in everyone's life.  It is being able to deal with life events and communicate effectively that will help build a strong relationship.

Are you approachable?  Really?

Have you been single for a while?  Do you get frustrated with dating?  Have you had more than your share of bad dating experiences?  Do you ever wonder why you haven't been able to meet the type of person you are looking for?  It could be that you are searching in the wrong places for the type of person you want to meet.  Maybe you have a poorly written on-line dating profile.  OR, maybe you are just not approachable.

I have found that some people take great pride in being tough to get to know.  Some people have just had bad experiences with dating and have built up walls that really prevent anyone from getting too close intellectually or emotionally.  Some people choose to be this way on purpose for reasons such as fear of financial loss, fear of being hurt emotionally or shame from their past.

I had a conversation with a woman recently and she asked me why men thought she was so unapproachable.  She told me that she had been single for 25 years and she seemed to be proud of that fact.  She said that most of the time she preferred to stay at home with her cat and watch TV rather than go out and be social.  The night she and I met, she said that she had to force herself to get dressed up to go out.  After listening to her generally negative comments about men and dating and how much she enjoyed being alone, I gave her this thought; "Maybe you choose to be unapproachable."

There was an initial look of shock on her face that I would say something like that to her.  Then it actually started to sink in and you could see that she was giving it some serious thought.  If you are having trouble meeting the type of person you are looking for, maybe it's time to take a look inward and assess whether you have created an air of unapproachability.  Being approachable is a key component to having a successful dating life.

What might make you unapproachable?  Here are a few things off the top of my head.  You have a generally negative attitude about almost everything.  You would rather spend time at home with pets, TV, hobbies, etc. than being with others.  You carry a perpetual scowl on your face.  When meeting someone new, you typically have a sarcastic remark about their interests, work, why they want to meet you, etc.  You have an attitude of superiority over most other people.  You generally believe that the opposite sex is inferior.  Again, these are just a few of the possibilities.

How do you become approachable?  One of the easiest and quickest ways is to greet everyone you meet with a smile and a handshake.  Get good at remembering names.  Be pleasant, not negative.  Be complimentary, not sarcastic.  You will be surprised by how quickly you can become approachable with just a couple of simple changes.  Is this easy to do?  Not at first.  Like anything that is worth doing, it will take some practice, but in time, it can become second nature.  If you continue to struggle, seek out a reputable dating or relationship coach or relationship counselor to help you with this transition and other potential areas of concern.

What is Love?

The dictionary defines love in several ways such as:

(1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties<maternal love for a child> (2) :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) :  affection based on admiration,benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
                                                                    or:
unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) :  the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) :  brotherly concern for others

In the English language, there is one word for the emotion of love with several definitions.  In the Greek language, there are at least  four words to describe love; Storge means affection such as that of parents for their children. Philos means friendship or affectionate love such as loyalty to friends, family and community.  Eros is the feeling of love and can lead to lust as well as passion. And there is Agape which is an unselfish love.

Are these definitions really adequate to fully describe the emotion of love?  Initially, one might look at these various definitions and say "Yup, that pretty much covers it."  But, do they really?  Do they adequately describe the love of a person that selflessly cares for their aged, ailing spouse to the detriment of their own health?  Do these definitions adequately describe the love that is shared by the elderly couple that shuffles down the street walking hand in hand after 50, 60 or even 70 years of marriage?  Do they really describe your desire to work hard on a relationship that falls on hard times because life happens?

Agape love is probably the closest description of the ideal love, but can't quite convey the feelings you have for your soul mate.  This love permeates all aspects of your relationship.  It ties the intellectual, spiritual and physical connections together in such a way that make your bonds to each other virtually unbreakable.  Anyone that has experienced this type of love will agree that there are no words to adequately describe the feeling.  Strive to find that agape or, unconditional love in your relationship and settle for nothing less from your mate.

Do you share an unconditional love with your mate/spouse?  Share your story with us.

What can I, a man, possibly know about relationships?

This is a question I get from time to time.  The question assumes that all men are oblivious to the feelings, needs and desires of others.  While this may be true of many men, it is also true for some women.  All you have to do is talk to people and find out how many times they have been married.  If they have been married more than twice, it would seem that they have a knack of not paying attention to the red flags of a poor relationship, are poor judges of character, have no idea what they really want in a relationship or some combination of these.

Just because I am a man doesn't mean that I am not observant.  It doesn't mean that I haven't learned from my mistakes.  It doesn't mean that I don't know what I want in my next relationship!  Anyone who spends just a little time thinking about what went wrong in a relationship should be able to learn a lesson or two.  And I don't mean to just point fingers at the other person and what they may have done wrong.  We have to take an honest look at our own contribution to any problems that existed.

I had a conversation with a friend recently and she told me that she had been in a couple of bad relationships after a bad divorce.  When I asked her why she didn't call me for advice, she said; "I guess I just had to learn some lessons on my own."  Hopefully those lessons were learned and more importantly, will be remembered.

What are some of the lessons that we can take away from past relationships?  One important lesson is to not run back into the arms of a past love.  That relationship ended for a reason!  It is human nature to turn back to something/someone that is familiar, even if it's not healthy.  It is so much easier to return to a former love because you are not starting over from the beginning.  You know their habits and characteristics and they know yours.  There is a certain level of comfort there.  Unfortunately, this action eventually leads to additional heartache and you have to start over from the beginning...again.

Another lesson that should be learned is; "What are my emotional triggers?"  What are the things that someone else does that can lead to an argument, hurt feelings, anger, etc.?  Some of these triggers are learned responses from previous relationships.  For example, one of my triggers is trying to hold a conversation when each of you is in a different room of the house.  Unless you are screaming loudly, odds are, we are not going to hear each other.  In addition, screaming at each other can quickly escalate a conversation to anger and an argument, whether it was intended or not.  I have learned to communicate this trigger as I enter into a new relationship.

A final example I will give is what are the things that "I" do that can cause friction in a relationship?  Is it overly sarcastic humor?  Is it the need to always be right?  What about making a mess in the kitchen and not cleaning it up?  How about not taking responsibility for your actions as in "It's somebody else's fault!"  Be aware of the reactions your actions may cause.

These are but a few of the lessons that can be learned from past relationships.  The key is to remember these lessons and apply them to your current or future relationship(s).  Hopefully, your next relationship will be the last time you have to start over.  Hopefully it will be the one with your last first date and your last first kiss.