#Focus on the #Big_Picture! #Dating #Love #Relationships

One of the most common objections I hear in my seminars is that we can't have everything we want in a relationship. My response is always; "Why Not?" Then I will hear excuses like "No one is perfect." and "That's an unreal expectation." My response to those are; "You're right, no one is perfect, but isn't there someone that is perfect for you?" And, "Why is that an unreal expectation?"

Society teaches us that we need to have things right now. We deserve to have what we want immediately. (By the way, this contradicts "you can't have everything you want.) There is no longer any waiting, no sacrificing, no effort necessary for what we want. The same has come to apply to relationships. We expect to be able to just go out, find someone and be happy. The problem is that most people don't know what it is, in a relationship, that they are looking for.

If you've been single for some time, patiently waiting and searching to find the right person, you have undoubtedly been asked "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you married yet (or at least dating)?"

If you have had one or more poor or abusive relationships you begin to doubt your ability to judge a persons character. You start to believe what is told to you by an abusive mate (or family member). You might even surround yourself with people that don't expect much from you or your relationships.

All of these questions and thoughts made by the people around you start to plant seeds of self doubt and maybe even lower your self esteem.. You start to question and doubt yourself. You start to believe that you are not worthy of having everything you want in a relationship. When these doubts and fears creep in, they are destructive beyond belief.

How do you get past all this nonsense?

• This is the time when you need to take a step back and think about the type of relationship you want; short-term casual to long-term permanent.
• Get clear about the mate you are look for. What are your Must Haves and Deal Breakers?
• Identify your limiting beliefs. "I'm not good (smart, pretty, etc) enough. 
• Challenge the old ideas in your head and change your limiting beliefs.
• Make the process of dating enjoyable. 
• Raise your standards both for yourself and those around you. If you need to change the people you associate with, then make the change. "Who you spend time with is who you become!" ~ Tony Robbins

How important is it for you to find your extraordinary relationship? What are you willing to do to find it? Let me know how I can help you.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

The man panel tackles makeup, push up bras and more - KCTV5

The man panel tackles makeup, push up bras and more - KCTV5

It's all about communication! #Dating #Love #Relationships

The reality is, unless we communicate well, we cannot have great relationships. This applies to both personal and business relationships.

One of the keys to great communication is being honest and vulnerable. You have to be willing to say; "I don't know the answer." "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." "I was selfish/wrong and neglected your needs." How many of us can swallow hard and see these words? I guarantee, not many. We all want to be right. We never want to make a mistake...or at least never admit that we did.

Honesty is a two way street with ourselves. We can only control our honestly and no one else's. Not only do we have to be honest with others, it is just as important that we are honest with ourselves. In fact, unless we are honest with ourselves first, it will be next to impossible to be honest with anyone else. If we can't admit to ourselves that we made a mistake, didn't know the answer or neglected to fulfill a commitment, how are we going to admit that to someone else? What usually happens is that we make an excuse or blame the issue on someone else in order to save face.

The parasite of fear.

We all want to look good in the eyes of others. If we make a mistake we're afraid that it will diminish other's opinions of us. When this happens, we punish ourselves emotionally by thinking we are not good enough, smart enough, etc. We may even say these things out loud for others to hear! If you say it often enough and long enough, what you think and say will become the truth in your mind. And, nobody can punish us more harshly than we can punish ourselves!

The art of listening.

Stephen Covey said it best; "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply!" Make sure as you are listening to not be assumptive. Don't assume you understand what someone is saying to you. Clarify by repeating as accurately as possible what they said and by asking questions not only until you are sure that you understand but that the speaker is sure you understand. Listening is an art. The best listeners will also usually  be the best communicators because they make an effort to understand the conversation and to make the speaker feel understood.

You can't force someone else to be a better communicator so that responsibility is yours. The more you learn to communicate openly, honestly and clearly, the stronger your relationships will become.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? #Love #Relationships #Dating

This is a question that is often asked in business and motivational meetings. But, it also applies to the realm of dating and relationships. Recently I watched the movie; The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I didn't expect much because I'm not a Ben Stiller fan. However, I was pleasantly surprised and truly enjoyed the movie. For those that haven't seen it, it is a relationship movie and starts out with Walter Mitty wanting to meet and date a woman in his office. He finds her on-line dating profile and discovers that she is looking for the type of man that he fantasizes about being. For the first half of the movie he fantasizes about how to impress her. The second half of the movie is devoted to Walter becoming the man he dreams of becoming.

I think this movie brings to light many of the problems that so many of us have. We don't have the courage to be the man or woman we would like to be and we don't have the courage to meet or date the people we would like to date. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our negative self-talk of "I'm not good, smart, pretty, rich, etc. enough." We convince ourselves that we can't possibly have everything we want in a relationship. We tell ourselves we are being unrealistic and are not deserving. 

Getting past our fears is often extremely difficult. But time and again, people that have done it have accomplished magnificent things. It took me 52 years to finally stand up to my father and claim my adulthood! The realization that my desires, choices, wants and needs mattered was a defining moment for me. The problem is, we have such vivid imaginations that 95 times out of 100, we envision rejection, humiliation and all the other emotional baggage that goes along with getting turned down for a date, not getting a job or even lack of acknowledgment from a parent or loved one. When we can finally come to the realization that the rejection, humiliation and whatever else we fear  comes from within and is in our control, we can overcome great obstacles and accomplish wonderful things.

With our vivid imagination of all the things that can go wrong also comes the imagination of what it would be like to date the person we fantasize about. Don't let your imagination keep you from meeting and getting to know someone because you think they would never want to get to know you. You will be surprised when you finally do get to meet them. Odds are, they are nothing like what you imagined. As with all of our fantasy thoughts, they usually have little to do with reality. It's not until you can actually get to know someone on a personal level that you can find out if you are a great match.

You only fail if you don't try. Otherwise, each time something doesn't work out the way you would like, it is another lesson in what doesn't work. In dating, it is another lesson in finding someone that was not right for you. This will continue until one day, you do meet that special someone. You never would have met her without asking for a date, an e-mail address or a phone number. The key is to believe you have the courage to try, then,step out of your comfort zone and ask her/him

for a date.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

How long do you #struggle to make a #relationship work and when do you let go? #Love #Dating

I have observed couples that will spend years trying to make a relationship work. Often they try to keep something alive that they should just let die off.

Either a relationship is great or it isn't. All your "Must Haves" are there or they aren't. You can fight to hang on to a relationship because it is mostly good, maybe even mostly great. In the end, if the entire relationship is not great, if your mate doesn't have all that you need (or you don't have all that you partner needs) in a relationship, one of two things will happen.

1) You will stick with a relationship that is less than extraordinary or

2) The relationship will fail and you will have wasted a lot of time and energy.

Does this sound harsh? I hope so! All too often we try to sugar coat our unhappiness, dissatisfaction and relationship struggles. We want to give it every chance to survive! We don't want to take a realistic look at the relationship to see if it is hurting us. We spend countless hours trying to justify working on issues and trying to align core values. The bottom line is that if your core values don't align to begin with, it doesn't make any difference how hard you try to conform to your partner's needs and vise versa, the relationship will never be good, much less extraordinary.

The belief systems we each develop play a huge role in the relationships we choose. Most people date from a perspective of scarcity. For example; All the good women/men are already married. My city is listed as one of the top ten worst for dating. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough, etc. While some of these can be characterized as potential self-esteem issues, they all have one thing in common. Scarcity. Either there is a lack of good people to date or I lack some characteristic that makes me datable. When you focus on scarcity, that is exactly what you will get. There will be a lack of good people to date and you will not have or develop the characteristics that make you datable.

However, when you shift your thinking to that of abundance, you will start to find plenty of great people to date and you will recognize your great qualities that make you datable and desirable. And, when you are honest with yourself, you will also recognize the features you want to change or improve in yourself to make you even more datable and desirable. This paradigm shift is not necessarily an easy task and can be time consuming. It starts by making a conscious effort to recognize the negative effects thoughts of scarcity have on your life and removing the negative from your life. There are volumes and volumes of information on making these life changing shifts so I will let you do your due diligence and find what works best for you.

As I have said numerous times in my blogs, time is precious. There is little reason to try to force a relationship to work because of whatever lies you want to tell yourself. Shift your paradigm to that of abundance and start to see all the possibilities for strong healthy relationships in your life.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

Do you #respect your significant other? #Loving #Relationships

In recent months I have done a blog on self-respect. This week, I want to talk about respecting your significant other (SO). First off, lets take a look at what respect looks like. Respect for your mate can take a lot of different forms and will usually consist of some or all of the following illustrations.

Do you respect his/her intellect?

When they speak, do you tune them out, start thinking about your reply before they finish talking or put them down for their opinion? If you said yes to any one of these situations, you probably lack respect for your mate. Can you have a serious difference of opinion? Absolutely you can. Lack of respect comes when you think your opinion is superior or your mate's intellect is inferior. It also comes when you start to put down your mate for their thoughts or opinions.

Do you dress for your SO?

Most of us tend to dress for the person we are with and appropriately for the situation. We generally want them to be proud to be seen with us. However, there are some that choose to dress in whatever makes them comfortable. If you are dressing in jeans, t-shirt and ball cap for a business casual or more formal event, you are missing the mark! (Ladies, this applies to you also!) If you're dressing only to please yourself you could be sending the signal that your SO isn't worthy of your respect. Guys, if you don't know how to dress for your lady (or aren't sure) ask for help. Your lady will tell you what she likes. Ladies, if you grew up as a tom-boy it's okay, but you don't have to dress like one all the time. Ask your friends or find an image consultant for advice. It's not necessarily about spending a lot of time improving your image, it's about putting in a little effort. And you know what they say, a little effort goes a long way!

Are you on time?

It has been said that being consistently and habitually late is a sign of poor time management. It can also signal an issue of self-centeredness that shows a total lack of respect for the value of other people's time. If you are habitually late, ask yourself why. Dig beneath the obvious answer; "I have too much to do!" What is really causing you to be late? Is it that you don't what to do something someone else wants you to do? Is it that you want to control every situation or be the center of attention?

Do you respect their wishes and desires or is it all about you?

Do you think your SO's wishes and desires are silly, frivolous or unimportant? This can be a big sign of disrespect and maybe even emotional immaturity. If your wishes and desires are the only ones important to you, you are going to have problems with virtually every relationship you have.

These are just a few of the possibilities of disrespect. I'm sure you can think of so many more! At times we all become set in our ways and complacent about our relationships. And sometimes we just need a good swift kick in the butt to get us to wake up and pay attention to what is important to our partners. Is a relationship bad when one or two of these issues are present? Not necessarily. But, if you or your mate is adamant about things being their way and having no desire to consider the other's wants, needs and desires, you are more than likely in an unhealthy relationship.

If you don't respect your SO and refuse to adjust your thinking, your relationship will always be a struggle. If your mate is disrespectful of you, you have two choices about your relationship; 1) Live with it or 2) Leave it.

A relationship is two sided. There has to be give and take on both sides. If it's all give by one side and all take by the other, you are in the wrong relationship, especially if you are the one doing all the giving. It is far better to be single than to struggle in an unhealthy relationship.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.