What was (or is) missing in your relationship?

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

There are times we find ourselves in relationships that, on paper at least, everything appears to be perfect. Deep inside though, it just seems like something is missing. No matter how hard we try to make the relationship work, it just isn't right and we know it. Yet we refuse to acknowledge it and keep on trying. When we do get to the point of finally admitting something is missing, most of the time we will just attribute this feeling to a lack of chemistry. This problem can be further compounded when we ignore this feeling and get married.

Recently I made an observation about the missing chemistry in a couple of my past relationships. I have spent time examining both relationships and the role I played in their demise. In both relationships it always felt like there was something missing and the longer the relationships lasted, the stronger that feeling grew. As it turns out, chemistry may not have been missing at all.

If it wasn't the chemistry that was missing, what was it? It wasn't until the end of the second relationship that I started to recognize a pattern of  hidden information coming out. At the end of one relationship, it was revealed that she had been sexually molested as a young girl. In the second relationship, there were negative personality characteristics that were revealed. As I look back over these relationships, there were some very subtle signs, but nothing that would lead one to believe that a traumatic or negative hurtful side existed. Both of these relationships were bound to fail, not because of what was said or done, but because of what was hidden deep inside. There were walls or barriers that prevented our ability to fully connect at the deepest most intimate levels. In both relationships, I ignored my gut feelings and tried to make things work.

I am always disheartened when I listen to Christian talk radio and I hear the host or guest talk about how we have to change this or that in our lives to make our significant other happy and to make our relationship work. Or, how we have to learn to love our spouse unconditionally. These are things that need to be done in mediocre marriages in order to keep the family together. What this tells me is that people in these marriages have settled for less than extraordinary...for less than they truly desired.

Sadly, most people have never experienced an extraordinary relationship or soul mate type of connection. They have never experienced the joy and excitement of a naturally occurring unconditional love. Most people are afraid to search for this relationship.

I had the opportunity to spend a few minutes with a couple recently, Brett and Megan. They seem to have everything going for them. They were introduced to each other by her mother who had recognized some qualities in Brett that she thought would be ideal for her daughter. They met in December and have only had a couple of dates because they live several hundred miles apart. We sat and talked about the importance of the Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships, having many things in common, being able to talk about anything and everything and being able to work through their differences. In only two months, they have had most of the major and important conversations to make sure they were on the same page with each other. This is a couple that has a very high probability of successful and happy life together!

Ultimately, you cannot force a relationship to work. You have to do your best to be your best all the time. We all stumble and sometimes we fail. The most important takeaway from the article should be that extraordinary relationships aren't the fantasy relationships of your favorite Hollywood or reality TV stars. They exist for ordinary everyday people. In spite of the fact that a relationship is extraordinary, it doesn't mean that it is free from daily problems. Life happens! The strongest relationships are tested over and over again. Over time, these relationships become stronger because of the love and commitment these couples have for each other.

Learn to recognize when a relationship isn't right. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Don't wait until you are married to decide something is missing. If the relationship isn't right because of a lack of chemistry or there is something hidden from you, go with your instincts. Learn to trust your gut feeling. Whatever is missing (or hidden) ins't going to change no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

 #Dating #Love #Relationships #Loveforalifetime

Valentine's Day is the celebration of love and affection! We often celebrate with a loved one or sometimes it's with an acquaintance if we are both single. It has become customary to give the gift of flowers, candy, greeting cards and jewelry.

Excuse me for this slight detour in thought, but it will all make sense in a minute. I was having a conversation with an acquaintance that is married. The subject turned to breathing life back into his marriage. My friend explained that his wife worked long hours and that his schedule was a bit more flexible and that he often had dinner ready when she got home. "But" he said "there just isn't the passion there anymore." I pointed out some simple things that he might do to revive a relationship that is in the doldrums. Most of the things I pointed out were simple things like picking up a bouquet of flowers or a plant on the way home form work. He could schedule a date night, a couples massage, or something even simpler like a card saying I love you and I appreciate you.

As Valentine's Day approaches I started to think about this conversation in a different light. We (men and women) often wait for a special occasion to celebrate our love and appreciation for each other. Why not show your love and affection regularly? Why do you need to wait for a special occasion? There are so many things that we can do for one another and they don't need to be expensive, over-the-top gestures. How about starting out with a simple "I love you." Say this at least once a day to your significant other. (You can say it to children, parents and close friends too!) Just watch their faces light up when you do. It's even better if you can say it multiple times per day. Personally, I never end a conversation without saying "I love you" to my dad, my daughter and my best friend. while they all know I love them, they need to hear it regularly.

Why not celebrate your love and affection on a regular basis? How much deeper could your connection to your significant other be if you each demonstrated your love regularly? All to often we assume our husband, wife or lover knows how much we care. The reality is, we need to say it, show it and reinforce it on a regular basis. Have a regular date night, Bring flowers or a plant home once in a while. (Ladies, a lot of guys appreciate this too.) Surprise each other with a greeting card now and then. Maybe it's learning to cook a a special meal or even take a couples cooking class together. Take a walk and enjoy nature together. Spend some quiet time sharing thoughts and feelings with each other. Learn to give each other a neck and shoulder massage or foot massage. If you get good at this it could lead to seductive full body massages and... Well, you get the picture!

Why wait for a special occasion to show your love and affection? What can you do today and on a regular basis going forward to strengthen and deepen your relationship?

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Make better relationship decisions for your children's sake!

#Children #Dating #Love #Relationships

Everyone with children knows how frustrating it can be to teach children to clean their room, eat their vegetables, do their homework, instill good values and morals, etc. It isn't until they are fully grown adults that we start to see the fruits of our efforts. What most of us don't realize is that children learn by observation as much as anything else. What are they observing us do in our dating lives? Are they watching us make great relationship decisions?

I was having a conversation with a dear friend recently about our own personal relationships. We were comparing notes and discussing the similar issues we have experienced. We share similar family values in that we never bring new relationships into the family until there is relative certainty that these are relationships that have potential to last. This is done for several reasons. First, we need to protect children from potential sexual predators and verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Next, children (especially younger children) can develop attachments quite quickly. If you are introducing them into your new relationship too soon, they are subject to going through many of the same emotions you have when the relationship ends.

More importantly though, what are they learning through observation what a healthy relationship looks like? They learn how they should be treated and how they should treat other people by watching us! Are they observing healthy boundaries in your relationship? Or, are they seeing inappropriate, unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships? Through our conversation, my friend made the profound observation that if a relationship is not extraordinary, we are teaching our children that it's okay to settle for less than everything we want in a relationship. This is never okay!

As adults, we need to learn to walk away from mediocre, unhealthy and toxic relationships. This will do several things in our lives. First, it allows us to be free to search for healthy relationships. Second, it protects our children from potentially emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationships. Finally, it teaches our children to value themselves as people and not settle for less than they deserve in a relationship. If you display a healthy self-esteem, it will be easier for your children to do the same when it comes time for them to date.

If you have made poor decisions in the past, now is a great time to change. Make the great decisions for yourself today that you would like to see your children make in their own lives.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.