What you think you know about dating is probably wrong!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

He's separated and getting a divorce.

Great! But, he's still married! He (or She) is not available legally or emotionally, You're dating a married man (or woman). Is that what you really want...someone that is still legally and emotionally tied to someone else? Do ya think it might be a good idea to wait until the divorce papers are signed? I can almost guarantee you that if your relationship survives his divorce, it will not be a lasting or healthy long-term relationship.

If you haven't been divorced for at least a year, you're not ready for another relationship!

You need time to heal your badly damaged emotions. I don't care how amicable your divorce was, you still need time to heal and grow. You need time to find yourself. The longer you were in a relationship, the more "damage" has been done to your personality. Relationships (especially poor relationships) change people. You morph into someone that you may not even recognize because of the pressures or demands of a spouse. For example, it took me more than two years to recover my sense of humor after my divorce. My ex found my sense of humor offensive, and consequently I changed to keep peace in my marriage.

You don't realize how deep and comprehensive the changes you make to yourself in a relationship because they are so subtle and have been made over a long period of time. Many times we are lost in a relationship because we are no longer capable of thinking for ourselves. We depend on someone else to tell us what we need to do.

What's the difference between love and infatuation?

Strictly speaking, the definition of infatuation is foolish passion. The definition of love is warm affection; fond attachment; the passion between the sexes. With infatuation, you will generally ignore negative character traits of your partner that you would not normally accept, yet you try to pursue a relationship. Love allows you to recognize the negative character traits and accept the person for who they are. You make a conscious decision to stay or leave based on what's best for you.

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know what I don't want!

Great! And you will continue to date what you don't want! By focusing on what you don't want, that's exactly what you continue to find. Studies show that whatever you focus on is what you get. So, let's stop the cycle of poor relationships. Rather than focusing on what you don't want, focus on what you do want. This is very easy to do. You simply need to make a list of Must Haves. These are the non-negotiable characteristics of the person you want in your life. If you think of something that "would be nice to have" it doesn't belong on this list; it's not a Must Have. Your Must Have list must be stated in the positive. Again, you will attract what you focus on.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

I'm giving up on dating!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

When people get frustrated with their dating results, I often hear that they just want to give up on dating. When asked "why?" the answer is "Because there are no more good men (or women) left! They are all taken." Not only is this type of thinking a major limiting belief, it's a huge pile of crap!

If you're not finding the right man or woman, you're not putting in the right effort and your negative belief system becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Plain and simple. Roughly one third of the US population is single. Assuming it's split about equally between men and women, that means there are about 62 million men and 62 million women to choose from.

It's okay to get frustrated from time to time and take a break from dating. That is natural. But, to say you are giving up? The problem with quitting is that most people quit right before they find success. By quitting you've become too lazy to put in the effort necessary to find the right person for you. It's that simple! There is someone for everyone. I don't care how long your list of Must Haves is. I don't care how picky you are! There is someone out there for you. The question then becomes; Are you willing to do what it takes to find the right relationship?

I view dating and seeking that special relationship no differently than any other marketing goal. If the strategy and techniques you are using aren't working, you need to change strategy and techniques until you become successful.

Get off your ass and make changes in your life!

You can't continue to do what you've always done and expect different results! That is, by most accounts, the definition of insanity. How many people do you need to date? Probably a lot. You need to date until you find your extraordinary relationship!

So, what changes do you need to make? Here is a short list of things to consider; a change in make-up, hair style, clothing style, activities you do, hang out with different friends, go out and make new friends, or find a new hobby just to name a few. Any one of these changes could make a big difference. Some changes are easier to make than others.

If you are unwilling to make changes in your life and explore new possibilities, don't complain that you can't find what you are looking for. It's like going back to the refrigerator multiple times when you have a craving to see if something has miraculously appeared since the last time you looked. Don't come to me looking for sympathy. I'm not going to be your enabler. You have plenty of them around you right now. If you're really serious, push away the people that sympathize and commiserate with you. They are part of the problem by not challenging your thought processes. They enable you to stay stuck in your own little pity party. Why? Because they don't want to be alone in their pity party.

The bottom line is that if you want that extraordinary relationship, you have to put in the effort...a lot of effort, to make it happen. There is no magic formula to finding the right relationship. Keep making changes to what you are doing in your efforts to find the man or woman of your dreams until you are successful.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

I have no love to give! #Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

Are you emotionally healthy enough for love and a loving relationship? If you have recently lost a spouse or ended a marriage or relationship, you're not ready for a new relationship. Regardless of how ready you might think you are, you aren't! There is a healing and growing process we all have to go through. We all deny it! It isn't until we are a year or more past the end of the relationship that we realize how much we have grown. I've not met anyone yet that hasn't experienced this realization.

The emotional trauma of a divorce, death or even the end of a long-term relationship can cause us to make poor relationship decisions. This trauma can also cause us to be poor relationship partners. The question is; do you recognize your emotional vulnerability? Most people don't! I didn't realize the emotional healing and growing I needed to do after my divorce. I was told that it would happen, but I chose not to believe. It wasn't until 13 months after my divorce that I recognized how much I had healed and grown.

Have you worked through your anger after your spouse walked out? Have you worked through your fear of being alone and starting over? Can you hold a conversation without venting about your ex or continually reminiscing about your deceased spouse or past relationship?

As a dating coach, I see this come up time and again. However, the emotional issues are not just created by the loss of a relationship. They could date back to childhood and family issues. Regardless of where the issues started, if they are left unrecognized and unmanaged, they can cause relationship problems in the future.

The grieving and healing process just takes time. There are no quick fixes. There is no magic pill. I don't even have a magic wand that I can wave over you to make it better any faster. Trying to speed up the process or worse yet, ignoring the process will have unfortunate results later on. 

There may even come a time when no relationship feels right and you aren't the least bit interested in looking. Recognize that you have no love to give someone else. This is a part of a healthy healing process. All of your efforts need to be turned inward to heal. This is a time that is all about you. The key is to recognize this healing time and not force yourself into a relationship just to be with someone. Embrace this "alone time" and don't rush it. In the end you will be happier, healthier and ready for your extraordinary relationship.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

How to destroy a friendship in 3 dates or less!

#Love #Dating #Sex #Relationships #Friendships

If you really want to kill a relationship that hasn't even had a chance to start or to destroy a friendship of many years, just ask for and expect sex! Whether its the first date, the third date or a casual date with a friend, it's a huge turn-off for most women when a man makes sexual advances. It's no wonder that women ask "Where have all the good men gone?" In the past few weeks I have heard countless stories of guys just out looking for some action thinking they are God's gift to women. Most women can see right through the game you are playing. Don't be a tool!

Ladies, you're not off the hook here either. While it's less common, there are plenty of women that are completely willing to jump into bed just to satisfy their sexual desires. If you're willing to hop in the sack that quickly, you're probably not good enough for him. He will use you to satisfy his needs and then dump you. You will be left with anger and frustration wondering what happened and why he left. Don't be a booty call or a door mat! If he's not willing to wait, he's not good enough for you.

I'm not trying to be a prude here. I'm just telling it like it is, and I have the science to back me up. When you don't spend time getting to know someone before jumping into bed, you are setting yourself up for a lot of emotional hurt, guilt and shame because the sexual pleasure is only temporary. It's bad enough when a relationship ends because of any of a myriad of incompatibility reasons. Don't compound the problem by adding sex to that equation. And here's a news flash for you ladies; Putting out may bring him back for a night, but it won't keep him around for the long run. 

As a society, we have cheapened the sexual experience to simply satisfy our immediate desires. Sex is designed for a monogamous relationship. As good as it might be for a one nighter or short-term relationship, it is nothing compared to making love to the man or woman of your dreams where all the senses are heightened because of your deep emotional connection to each other.

Men, if you want to be God's gift to women, get to know her. Spend time with her. Be a gentleman and treat her like a lady. Don't make sex a priority in your life or in a relationship! Ultimately, you'll be glad you waited.

Ladies, if you want to be God's gift to men, don't be a door mat. Don't be a pushover. Save yourself for the right man and an extraordinary relationship. Making love is so much more pleasing and fulfilling than just having sex.

Or...you can ignore my words, get laid and wonder why you feel so cheap when he's out the door and doesn't call.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.