Stay true to your values, ideals, yourself!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

From time to time I have to be reminded of the life lessons I teach. One of the most important lessons is to remain true to your values, ideals and yourself. When you compromise any one of those things, it reflects your character. It says you are willing to compromise and take the easier path.

Recently I have had my Must Have list challenged. For those of you that have not been following me very long, your Must Have list is the list of non-negotiable characteristics you want in your next relationship. Because of my list I have been called selfish, self-centered, and unrealistic to name just a few. However, the most interesting comments come from women that may have a romantic interest, but don't have all of the characteristics that I am looking for. The conversation can quickly degrade into a major disagreement because I refuse to settle for less than my extraordinary relationship.

Some people will twist your relationship goals into something negative and take it as a personal attack. This is an emotionally immature position to take. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Meeting someone that takes personal offense to your list of Must Haves; tries to justify why your list is wrong; wants you to compromise or tries to justify why they are a great match for you just doesn't get it. They are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that we all have our own likes, dislikes, dreams and goals. These are the people you need to turn your back on and walk away. (That doesn't mean that you can't be friends. It just means that there should be no romantic relationship with that person.)

Don't condemn other people for what they want in a relationship. They are free to make their choices just as you are free to make yours. Your preferences in a relationship are a reflection of you and your experiences! They are in no way a reflection of anyone else! Your choices do not determine whether someone else is a good or bad person. If you don't meet someone's criteria it just means you are not a good fit and vise versa. Period! If you look at it any other way, you have some serious self reflection to do. Be an adult. Recognize that everyone has their own personal relationship preferences. When you find some that has all of yours and you have all of theirs, you just might have the beginning of an extraordinary relationship!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The Transition from "I'm not worthy" to "I deserve better than this"

The transition from not feeling worthy of a great relationship to deserving the best is a difficult one. This is usually the time that you go from missing someone from your past, regretting mistakes you made, and imagining how it could have been if you had done things differently to I deserve to have an extraordinary relationship. The transition can also be when someone has never had a significant and lasting relationship. either way, the transition can be a long process or a relatively short one. Much depends on your emotional health and maturity.

For most of us, no one is harder on us than ourselves. We beat ourselves up and shame ourselves over our mistakes. We tear ourselves down for hurting those that we may have loved. We live in the sorrow of a lost relationship with the regret of not doing things differently. And, some of us beat ourselves up for not being as good at dating as others for fear that we are missing some magic formula or knowing the right words to say. As the Tenth Avenue North song says; "You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create."

Your mistakes should be your greatest teachers!  You have to learn from those mistakes, fix what you can in your life to not repeat them, forgive yourself and then move on. Learning to forgive yourself is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Be emotionally mature

Part of being emotionally mature is to face our fears. We all have fears. Many times it is the fear of being alone. Fear of rejection is a huge obstacle for many people...including me. The fear of hurting someones feelings can be incapacitating. We all have done some less than mature things in the name of not hurting someones feelings. In the long run, the actions we took probably hurt more than just being straight up honest would have.

Part of making the transition happen more quickly is to be mature enough to look deeply into ourselves and make the best decisions (and many times the hardest ones). It also means being about not only looking at what we did right, but more importantly what we did wrong in the relationship. Being able to recognize your contribution to any problem is a huge step in resolving the problem.

The sooner you accept that you cannot change the past and the sooner you correct your misguided thoughts (or limiting beliefs) and behaviors, the sooner you can move away from "I'm not worthy" and move toward "I deserve better than this"!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

This isn't the relationship I was looking for!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

"This isn't the relationship I was looking for. It just happened. I feel selfish for wanting to leave."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say things like this. The reality is that you have made a choice. You decided to try to develop a relationship with someone you instinctively knew wasn't right for you. You are not unhappy because you have companionship which is something you desire. BUT, you are not happy either, because the relationship is not fulfilling. It is not meeting all of your emotional, physical, intellectual or spiritual needs.

The saddest relationships are those that are mediocre. You compromise with yourself. You settle for less than extraordinary. You are unclear about what you want but know this relationship isn't making you happy. You may even think that you might not find anyone better. You are paralyzed and are unable to make a great decision for yourself.

The sad part of all this is that because you are attached to someone, the wrong one, the right one can walk in and out of your life without you even knowing it. You see, when most people know that you are dating someone, they will not approach you even if they feel a strong connection to you. Let me give you an example. Bob meets Carol and they have a great conversation. It appears they have a lot in common. Carol reveals that she is dating Ted, but admits that it may not be the greatest of relationships. Bob would really like to date Carol and get to know her better. However, (if he is a decent respectable man) he is not going to make any significant attempt to get in the middle of Carol's relationship. He might say something like "If you ever get free from this relationship, call me."

Bob may have been Mr. Right and Carol will never know because by the time she leaves her mediocre relationship Bob has moved on to a great relationship of his own.

Here's the deal; don't let a relationship just happen...unless all of the elements you want in an extraordinary relationship are present. The elements include an intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical connection. He (or she) needs to possess all of your Must Haves, have none of your deal breakers and you have to have chemistry. Yes, this is a lot to expect, but believe me, the end result will be so rewarding.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The Age of Disposable Relationships!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

It started with the TV dinner, then disposable paper plates and cups, disposable diapers, disposable razors, disposable film cameras, and the list goes on and on. Technology has had an amazing impact on our lives in the last 60 years. However, not all technology has had a positive impact.

We have come to live in an immediate gratification society. With the introduction of such amazing technology as computers, the internet, smart phones, and the unlimited apps and websites that are available, it's easy to search for virtually anything you want. In fact, you can just toss aside a relationship and go on-line to find someone else. With the creation of apps like Tinder, OK Cupid, and several others, searching for a new relationship has been degraded even further when you start to base your decisions upon looks and the possibility of a one night stand.

No-fault divorce has made it easier to leave a marriage. Required separation is almost non-existent. The requirement to show cause for a divorce such as adultery, physical abuse, substance abuse, etc. is no longer necessary. These are just some of the contributing factors related to high divorce rates.

It has become too easy to not fight for a relationship. Because of the things I mentioned above and several other factors, it has become too easy to just walk away when things get tough.

Am I saying that you shouldn't walk away from any relationship when things get tough? Absolutely not. There are relationships that are toxic. There are relationships that may be great, but something is missing such as chemistry or certain characteristics you desire. It is okay to walk away in these cases. However, to walk away when a relationship gets rocky because life has thrown you a curve ball is wrong. Be mature enough to distinguish between real reasons to walk away and being too lazy or self-centered to work on and build your extraordinary relationship.

When I started to write this article, I was focused on the ease of just walking away from relationships and marriages. I quickly realized that there is a fine line between walking away from the wrong relationship and walking away because your relationship became a challenge. Are you committed to finding a long-term relationship or are you committed to taking the easy way out and moving on to someone new when things get rough? Are you realistic in your relationship expectations or are you living with a fantasy that life with the right person is all sunshine and butterflies?

It all comes down to emotional maturity. Your emotional maturity (or immaturity) will shine through when things get rough. If you are quick to discard a relationship then you may want to check your level of emotional maturity. If you hang on to the bitter end in hopes that something magical will happen, you might want to check your level of emotional maturity.

Learn when to fight for a healthy relationship and learn when to let go. If you don't know what a healthy relationship should look like, find a dating coach, counselor or therapist to help you.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.