Dating Consciously #Love #Relationships

We live in a world of mixed messages and immediate gratification.  Media tells us that if we want something, we deserve to have it now.  We also live in a world where our friends and family (and even some relationship coaches and counselors) tell us we cannot have everything we want in a relationship.  They tell us we are too picky and our standards are too high.  We are told that there is no perfect man or woman.  The underlying message is "settle for what you can find."  Consequently, most people date and get into relationships without thinking about what they really want.  They decide that it is more important to be in a relationship (immediate gratification) than it is to think deeply and identify what is important to them and wait for the right relationship.

Most people just jump into a relationship without fully understanding what (or whom) they are looking for.  They will spend months and even years in a relationship that is less than fulfilling and wonder what is wrong.  When they are in these relationships they are settling for someone that is not fulfilling one or more of their intellectual, spiritual, emotional or physical needs.  These couples usually experience significant tears and heartache because so much time and emotion has been invested and often times wasted in the wrong relationship.

Most relationships don't need to end this way.  So, how do you change this pattern?  It starts with serious thought about who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a relationship.  This is dating consciously.  Dating consciously is the act of thinking about whom you are looking for and why you are looking, before you start to date. 

If you are dating consciously, you will have predetermined the type of relationship you are looking for.  Relationships range from casual (just friends to do things with) to permanent (one that leads to marriage) or maybe something in between.

When you date consciously, you will also have thought about (and written down) the Must Have characteristics of your next mate, your Deal Breaker list and then the list of traits that make you an extraordinary mate.  If you want more details about creating these lists, check out my book, Dating Backward, available on Amazon.com or luv4alifetime.com.

The process of dating consciously will create a vision of the very minimum of what you will accept in a relationship.  It will also help prevent you from dating people that are not right for you.  You will be able to identify red flags with most potential mates in 30 days or less.  In fact, you should be able to see most red flags in the first date or two simply because you are focused on what you want.

Start dating smarter.  Avoid most of the tears and heartache from poor relationships.  Date Consciously!


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About the author:

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Here is a great post from fellow relationship coach Petra Williams.

Why Men can't handle Strong Successful Women

Ha, if you're reading this you obviously believe that men can't handle strong successful women and you are not alone.

I'm elated to tell you that I have found this to be a myth. I am currently conducting interviews with single successful executive men and what they want from women and every man I've interviewed has expressed excitement at the prospect of dating a strong successful woman. And why wouldn't they?

Successful people have so much in common. They share drive, intelligence, skills, good communication, broad general knowledge, good income, independence, power, dedication...

I tell you what men don't like. They don't like a 'masculine' energy. That's their 'job'.

Often Executive women need to apply masculine traits to negotiate, to lead and to be taken seriously in what is often a male dominated environment. And even more so when they're single because they take control of your own life and continue to muscle your way through their schedules.

When a woman has a masculine energy around her, she gives off a vibe that she doesn't need men which makes them unapproachable to men. Of course realistically they don't need men but the man is hardwired to be the protector and needs to feel needed. Just like the woman is hardwired to need a man who can protect her and her young (rarely do women actually look to 'hook up' with famine men).

Solution? Show vulnerability. Be courageous enough to allow the guard down and to express your beautiful femininity. This is a true sign of strength and confidence because it opens  you up to being hurt. Yet this alone will reap the greatest rewards.

Freaked out because this takes you out of your comfort zone?

You're a professional woman used to testing and measuring. Start showing some vulnerability around men that you feel comfortable with and then go from there. I recommend you don't do this at work for obvious reasons.

Have fun. 'Be a girl' and watch the men flock to you.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-men-cant-handle-strong-success-women-petra-williams

Finding a #healthy #relationship.

Here are five key points that I teach my clients and seminar attendees.

1) Create a Must Have list.  These are the non-negotiable characteristics that you are looking for in your next relationship. If you are looking at a characteristic that "would be nice to have", it shouldn't be on your list.  Your list of Must Haves are the most important traits you are looking for and if even just one is missing in your potential mate, you should be moving on and continuing your search.  If you don't move on, you are settling for less than extraordinary.  This list must be in writing so you can refer to it often as you are dating.  The importance of this list is that it helps you to step back from the veil of infatuation which clouds our vision and often prevents us from recognizing red flags early in a new relationship.

2) Create a list of Deal Breakers.  These are the characteristics that would immediately be reason to not start a relationship or end a relationship once they are discovered.  It is important to have these written down too for the same reason as above.

 

3) It is important to be emotionally healthy before you try to enter into a new relationship.  People who are emotionally healthy have:

• A sense of contentment.
• A zest for living and the ability to laugh and have fun.
• The ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity.
• A sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationship.
• The flexibility to learn new things and adapt to change.
• A balance between work and play, rest and activity, etc.
• The ability to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
• Self-confidence and high self-esteem.

If you are not emotionally healthy, you are very susceptible to falling into an unhealthy relationship because of your unhealthy emotional needs.

4) Assuming you are emotionally healthy and have made your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists, then it is time to date.  When you think you have found a person that seems to have all of your Must Haves and none of your Deal Breakers and seems to be a great match, it's time to dig deeper.  First and foremost, a lot can be discerned from conversations and actions.  It is often thought to be sweet or endearing when a potential mate wants to do almost everything with you.  This should be a potential red flag because this could be a signal of someone that is controlling.  If they insist on going everywhere and doing everything with you, you should start to back away from the relationship.

Listen to what they say about past relationships.  There can be a lot of clues to their personality in conversations.  For example, if they talk about how evil, hurtful or uncaring their past mates were, this may be a clue that there could be problems in your future.  If they will not take or admit some responsibility in any relationship problems, this is also a clue that you my be entering into an unhealthy relationship.

5) If everything seems to be going well, there is still more research that can be done.  Most states have a court website in which you can do a very basic search on legal issues involving your potential mate.  This is not a comprehensive search, just one that can be done in your state at no cost.  Next, there are web search services that can do minor background checks for $25 to $50.  For a more complete background check, you can hire a private investigation firm to do a detailed check.  These are the most comprehensive checks and could find information on multiple IDs in multiple sates.  These will be more expensive but well worth the money especially if they prevent significant physical, verbal and financial abuse.

 

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Be open to new ideas and possibilities

Do you have to be right?

I was in a business meeting this week when I was presented with ideas I wasn't particularly fond of.  As I pushed back on the recommendations that were being made, my business associate stood her ground.  In an instant, I recognized that I was being too rigid in my thought process.  She very wisely and diplomatically made the point that our future presentations needed to appeal to the broadest possible audience.  My usual mindset and presentation style would have limited reception and may have actually turned people way from future seminars and from hiring me as a personal coach.

This was an important lesson for me not only from a business perspective but also for personal relationships.  How many relationships have I been limiting because of my beliefs?  How many relationships could I improve by being more open and accepting of others opinions even if I don't agree with them?

One of the things I have found as I get older is that most of us become set in our ways.  We are not necessarily open to new ideas or ways of doing or looking at things.  Our myopic view can prevent us from connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way.  How many times have we had disagreements with our significant other because we had to be right?  How many times have we argued with family or friends because our way is the best way or because we know more than everyone else?  We can surround ourselves with only the people that think like we do or we can be open to others with opinions different than ours.  (It seems the latter provides us much more opportunity to get to know others including the one that could be our soul mate.)

Does any of this mean that we should compromise our values and core beliefs?  Absolutely not!  We still need to be true to our values, but we can be open to new ideas and ways of doing things.  We can allow others to bring us new and unique ways of looking at the world.  The older we (I) get, the harder this is to do though, because we (I) see the world only through our (my) eyes and personal experiences.  The challenge for all of us is to be open to new ideas, new ways of looking at things and the possibility that ours is not the only way to get things done.

Okay.  Now how do we apply this to relationships?  Easy!  It means being flexible especially with the little things.  Example: Do you squeeze the tooth paste tube from the bottom or the middle?  If your significant other does it differently than you, don't argue about it; just buy a second tube and you can each squeeze it the way you like.  This is a simple example of not having to be right.  There are more serious examples that need discussion and compromise and those topics are for you to choose.  Be open.  Be flexible.  It can make life much more interesting and fun.

What are things that have to be "your way" and what are things that you can or have compromised on?  Let us know.

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The power of positive and negative influences in your life.

In the past several weeks I have been reminded several times about the impact of positive and negative influences on our lives.  It can be heard in conversations and seen on peoples faces.  It can even be recognized, to some extent, in e-mail and text conversations.  We have all experienced the effect of being around someone that has a tremendous positive attitude.  They are uplifting and motivational to others around them.  These are the people most of us enjoy being around just because of the way they make us feel inside.  And, we have all experienced being around negative people.  They usually surround themselves with drama and tend to suck the enjoyment out of life.  We usually feel emotionally drained after even a short conversation with them.

In my short 58 years on this earth, I have learned from both education and personal experience that it is much easier to be a person with a negative attitude than a positive one.  It can take real effort at first to keep a positive attitude and outlook on life.  This is not to say that you should never have a down day or even a period in your life that is not pleasant.  Life happens and can create significant stress and unhappiness for all of us.  The loss of a job can cause significant stress and unhappiness.  The loss of a loved one can cause a prolonged period of sadness.  However, events such as these don't need to control our overall outlook on life.  We can still maintain a positive and upbeat attitude in spite of the loss or pain around us if we choose to.  And, it is a choice for most of us.  There are, of course, exceptions to every rule.  For those that may not have the ability to maintain a positive attitude, professional counseling is available to help resolve issues.

The big question is; How do you create and maintain a positive attitude?  The first step is to recognize that you don't have a positive attitude.  If you consistently find the bad or negative in every situation, rarely smile, rarely if ever believe in the best in people or rarely have a kind word to say about anyone or anything, you probably have a negative attitude.  If, on the other hand, you can see the bright side of most situations, often smile, regularly give compliments and usually see the best in people, you probably have a positive attitude.

If you determine that you have a negative attitude and want to make some changes in your life, here are some simple options to consider.  Some of the changes are internal and some of the changes are external.  The internal changes start with a change of mindset and rather than looking for problems, recognize the good (or potential good) in people or situations.  Another common recommendation is to start the day with an attitude of gratitude.  Nothing has a greater impact than starting out your day being thankful for what you have.  If you don't initially see anything to be thankful for, be thankful for the little things in your life.  Or, consider being thankful for the challenges you are facing that will be making you stronger and wiser in the days, weeks or months to come.

External changes can be just as challenging.  It is important to recognize and acknowledge external negative forces in your life.  It could mean changing jobs if you are unhappy with what you are doing for a living or whom you are working for.  It could mean removing "friends" that put an emotional drain on your life.  It could also mean that you have to distance yourself from family if they are a significant negative influence in your life.  While you should never want to intentionally hurt someone, you may need to distance yourself from those that are inflicting physical or emotional harm on you.

Changing from a negative to a positive attitude takes work and a lot of focus at first.  Sometimes this is a minute by minute and hour by hour effort.  As you progress the effort needed will be less and less.  Vigilance must be maintained though because of the ease with which you can slip back into the negative mindset.

The big payoff of a positive attitude is the ability to lead a happier, more enjoyable life.  Be the positive influence in someone's life today!  Share a smile or a kind word with everyone you meet.

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Self-respect: confidence that one deserves love, success and happiness.

Do you believe that you deserve love, success and happiness?  Hopefully your answer is yes.  But if it isn't, why don't you believe you are deserving?  What beliefs do you have that are limiting the quality of love, success and happiness?

Sometimes our self-respect is limited due to deep emotional issues that have not been addressed.  It could be from growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive family.  Maybe it comes from some poor choices of people you date and bad relationships you got into.  It could come from mistakes made at work or even the loss of a job.  Regardless of your situation, building (or rebuilding) your self-respect is necessary to find love, success and happiness.

 In some cases, professional counseling or therapy may be called for.  Other times our limited self-respect can be altered by the words we use.  Many times, just by changing the words we use from negative to positive, we can make a significant change in our lives.  We can change our level of happiness and success and we can change the quality of love in our lives.

Let me give you some of examples of the impact of changing a couple of words can have.  Let's start with the statement "I have to go to work."  As it is phrased, you put yourself in a mindset that you are being forced to do something.  No, you don't have to go to work.  You can stay home, you can play golf, you can go shopping or you can stay in bed all day.  Try changing the statement to "I choose to go to work."  By simply changing one word you can change your attitude and even the way you view your work.  Why?  Because now it is something that you choose to do and are not being forced to do.

Here is another example.  "I'm not smart (pretty, strong, fast, rich or any other word you choose) enough."  Are you sure?   Maybe you are smart enough.  It just takes you more time to find the right answer than other people.  Maybe you are rich enough right now.  You just aren't where you want to be financially.  This just means that you haven't had enough time or found the right resources to create your desired level of wealth.  You get my point.  By shifting your thought process from negative to positive, you create a different outlook on your situation and will start to find better results in whatever you are trying to accomplish.  Again, this can have a big impact on your self-respect.

Finally, let's look at love and the thought "I don't deserve to be loved."  Why don't you deserve to be loved?  Are you evil?  Hateful?  Most likely not!  However, you may have been told by parents or people you respected that you are not worthy of love, that you're not loveable or "who would want to love you?"  If you have hurtful, hateful people in your life, it may be time to do some spring cleaning.  Removing these negative influences and replacing them with positive influencers will go a long way to regaining your self-respect. 

Instinctively, most of know the difference between right and wrong.  When we willfully, violate our instincts, we damage our self-respect.  Staying focused on what is right will build up and re-enforce your self-respect.  The important thing to remember is self-respect doesn't come from outside of us.  All the accolades, rewards, compliments, etc. are only superficial and fleeting.  Self-respect can only come from within.

Feel free to share your comments and experiences.  Please Like and Share this with your friends.

Are you prepared for #extraordinary #love?

Who or what defines your relationships?  Is it a romance novel?  A movie?  Society?  Family or friends expectations?  If you don't believe in soul mates or that you can have an extraordinary relationship, what are your limiting beliefs?  What would it take to have everything you want in a relationship?

What does extraordinary love look like?  It is a total commitment to someone other than yourself.  It is being with someone that you cannot imagine being without.  It is sharing the special moments, the highs, the lows and everything in between.  Your mate, spouse, significant other is the first person you want to share anything with.  It is dealing with difficult subjects, not avoiding them.  It is communicating openly and freely without fear of reprisal.  And...it is so much more than words can describe.

What an extraordinary relationship is not!  It is not a relationship that completes you.  You have to be whole before you enter the relationship.  If you rely on someone else to be your whole world, you are setting yourself up for failure.  It is not a 50/50 relationship.  It is a 100/100 relationship.  You each give your all and expect nothing in return.  If you are not both 100% committed to each other then you may want to re-evaluate your relationship and why you are in it. 

Are you prepared to wait for the right relationship?  Because we live in such an immediate gratification society, we have lost our will to wait for the right one.  We often opt to settle for a flawed relationships.  Or, if we can't have it now, we will move on to the next relationship that becomes available instead of giving our potential mate the chance to warm up to the possibilities of exploring a relationship together.  I am finding this very common in men.  We tend to want to move into a relationship much faster than most women.  A study released in 2012 indicates that men are more likely to say "I love you" first, taking an average of 88 days to say it compared to 134 days for women.  If she isn't ready for a full on relationship, we tend to move on without giving her the chance to catch up to us.  This is a huge mistake.  We may be passing up extraordinary because of impatience!

Finally, we have been programed by changing societal standards to believe that we cannot have everything that we want in a relationship.  We are told it is unrealistic, foolish and even selfish to think you can have everything you want in a mate.  We are told that no one is perfect so it is impossible to find your perfect match.  I call BS on all those thoughts.  You can have everything you are looking for as long as you truly know what you want and are willing to wait for the right one.  No one said this would be easy.  But, it is so worth the wait, the frustration and even the loneliness when you finally find that extraordinary relationship.

While you are waiting and searching for your extraordinary relationship, work on being the best you can be.  Be prepared for your extraordinary love by being and extraordinary person.

Feel free to send me your comments or questions.  Please share this post with your friends.