Six Characteristics of Healthy Relationships #Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

I had the pleasure of sitting in on a group discussion about relationships and boundaries. It was a great conversation and quite eye opening for me. One of the things I observed was that most people are afraid of being hurt...again. They conceptually know that they have to be open and vulnerable to be able to move into a new relationship, but most were not at a place where they felt comfortable to do so. Part of their inability to move forward stems from their inability to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship in a timely manner. They thought they would have to spend months, if not years, getting to know someone before they would know if they were in a healthy relationship or not.

There are a number of things we need to work out as we negotiate our way through the maze of dating obstacles. One of the major hurdles is that about 85% of us grew up in a dysfunctional home. It may not have been severely  dysfunctional, but there was some dysfunction none the less. That means that most of us don't know what a normal healthy relationship should look like. In most cases, our sense of normal is what we grew up with so that is our benchmark and that is what we look for and accept in our adult relationships. Sadly, we usually find out way too late that we have made a mistake. Worse yet is that most people don't recognize the flaw in their decision making process and continue to make poor relationship decisions.

Here are six key characteristics to help you identify a healthy relationship.

1. Deal with reality constructively.

There should be healthy open communication that allows for differences of opinion. You both should be able to tolerate constructive criticism. You will rejoice in the other's success, not envy it.

2. Have an ability to adapt to change.

Life brings daily challenges and opportunities to change and grow. Healthy relationships are dynamic, not static. This means the the relationship will evolve over time. All growth and change involves taking some risk and accepting some discomfort.

3. Be able to make long-range decisions.

Long range decisions are the ones in which we need to postpone immediate gratification for the greater benefit of future results. The ability to delay present desires to achieve a long-term goal is one sign of emotional maturity. An example is investing your tax refund for retirement instead of buying that big screen TV.

4. Must have a reasonable degree of independence.

As small children, we require assistance and constant nurturing. As we grow, we begin to explore the world around us. As we move through the various life stages, we gain the ability to make decisions alone and become independent. Mature relationships have a balance of respect for individual need and dependence. This is called interdependence. Interdependence in a healthy relationship allows one to feel that he or she wants to be with their mate but doesn't need to be with them.

5. Must have satisfactory relationships with others.

Emotional health is demonstrated by your ability to relate to others and work in groups successfully. In a healthy relationship, you both will have friends outside of the relationship. Your world will not be solely dependent on someone else for your happiness. Emotional health can also be gauged by the need to always be right, feeling rejected when others don't agree with you, and consistently negative, hostile, or inconsiderate responses to others.

6. Should be able to work productively.

Having a job is a great place to start. We all have issues at work from time to time. However, there are those people that cannot hold a job consistently, complain about their job, their supervisor, or the people they work with. Continual trouble completing work assignments or achieving goals can be the result of emotional conflict. Emotionally healthy people should be able to hold a steady job, help resolve work issues and demonstrate their ability to achieve goals.

One of the most effective tools I have found to help in your search for an extraordinary relationship is the use of the Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. While some of you will bristle at the thought of being so definitive and structured, these are great tools to help you step back from the infatuation and raging hormones of a "new" relationship. (Note: studies show that infatuation will last anywhere from a few months to 4 years.)  It is important to not waste time in the wrong relationship for any reason. 

One of my clients now wishes she had taken my advice 18 months ago to walk away from a less than great relationship. While he truly loves the woman, they have significant communication issues as well as some differences in core values. Now, she has health issues and he finds it difficult, if not impossible, to walk away in her time of need. This is not an opportune time to leave a relationship, but is there every really a good time? There will always be something, a life event, personal issues, the holidays, etc. to stand in your way of exiting a poor relationship. By not making the decision to leave, you default to the decision to stay.

It is quite common for women to want to work on a less-than-extraordinary relationship to make absolutely sure they did everything in their power to make it work. Men, on the other hand, are a little less willing to put in as much effort into a relationship in general. You need to decide how far you want to go to make a relationship work. My experience tells me that if all the elements are not there in the beginning, no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you change, no matter how much the other person tries to change, there will always be something missing. Can you develop that relationship to the pint that it would be a good one? Absolutely! The question I always ask is; Do you want to settle for a relationship that is just "good" or do you want a relationship that is extraordinary? If you want extraordinary there is no settling for less!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

How do you know when you have an extraordinary relationship? 

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

The simple answer is; you'll just know...and your mate will know. This is not something that you will necessarily know or feel on the first couple of dates. You will just sense that there is something different about the person you are with. Here are a few characteristics that are common to soul mate or extraordinary relationships.

• The two or you will find yourselves smiling for no particular reason when you think of the other.
• You both look forward to your next conversation.
• You both find yourselves paying more attention to details and conversations.
• You both find yourselves wanting to spend more time with each other than anyone else.
• You will participate in events or do things you never imagined just because it makes your significant other happy.
• You discover (usually by accident) that you have common likes and dislikes.
• You share core values.
• You find yourselves developing an emotional connection rather quickly.
• You share common spiritual beliefs and values.

These are just some of the things you may recognize. There will be other things that my be more specific to your relationship.

In the beginning your relationship will be very exciting. You will probably have long conversations and not know where the time went. You may even have long periods of silence where you just enjoy being in the same room together yet not speak a word. You will feel butterflies in your stomach when you are about to see each other again. There is a certain giddiness or excitement when you are together. This is all part of infatuation.

As the infatuation wears off, you will start to discover other aspects of your mate. You may discover that they have some habits or traits that you are not crazy about, but you are willing to compromise or make adjustments for these traits. You discover that you have a love for each other that you have never experienced before.

There will be a give and take in your relationship. Your focus will be on making decisions that are best for the relationship and not specifically what is best for either one of you. You will discover that your lover is also your best friend. Most of the time when one of you is emotionally down, the other will be there to lift you up and be supportive. When life gets tough, the two of you will be able to talk about things, work things our and move forward.

This is just a simple description of some of the characteristics of an extraordinary relationship. The feelings and emotions are almost beyond description. The feelings of love and connection you have with each other along with the happiness and contentment you both feel literally transcends words. When you have this in your relationship, you have an extraordinary relationship. Settle for nothing less.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Why do I keep going back to a mediocre relationship?

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

I want to move on, but I can't seem to get past my feelings for her/him. How do I make the pain of a past relationship go away? These are great questions. Most people think it is a function of time that will heal our emotional wounds. I believe it less a matter of time and more a matter of mindset.There are two major steps in moving on from a relationship and moving forward with your life.

When it's over, it's over!

Make it a clean break. Unless there is some legal reason or there are children involved, end the relationship completely (even if you're not the one initiating the break-up). One of the best ways to do this is to delete all of the following;

• E-mails - this removes temptation to re-read past e-mails and potentially make contact again during a weak moment.
• Texts - just like e-mails, we are tempted to go back and re-read messages. This makes us vulnerable to trying to reconnect even if it's just to say "Hi, I hope you're doing well."
• Photos - happy memories will keep us anchored to the past and slow down (if not prevent) the healing process of moving on.
• Phone numbers and e-mail addresses - this helps prevent you from slipping and sending an e-mail, text or make a phone call  when you hare having a weak moment.
• Consider throwing out or giving away gifts from an ex that can trigger memories of a different time in your life.

This process is all about cleaning out things that can keep us thinking about the past regardless of how good or bad it was.

Change your anchors!

After we break up with someone, get a divorce or have a spouse pass away we have a flood of emotions...hurt, loss, anger, depression, rejection and self-pity to name just a few. We might also feel guilt, shame and regret for some of the things we did or didn't do in the relationship. What I am discovering through my study of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is that we have more control over what we think and how we feel than you realize.

What I have learned is that we "anchor" certain memories and emotions. We all do this. A great example is when you hear a certain song on the radio and you are filled with memories and emotions. Many times you will remember the first time you heard the song, what you were doing, where you were and whom you were with. This is and anchor! Anchors can retrieve very strong emotions and memories.

The same holds true for past relationships. Hearing a certain song, driving down a certain road or highway, walking down a certain street or even something as mundane as ironing a certain shirt or pair of jeans can trigger strong memories and emotions.

As I have looked back on several past relationships, I recognized a pattern, It wasn't until I changed some of the smaller elements of a memory that I was able to move on. If you are a visual person, you could consider darkening the picture you see in your mind or to move the picture farther away. If you are an auditory person, change the sound you hear to something that is less than pleasant. If you are a kinesthetic or feeling person, change your muscular response, the texture or maybe your posture in response to your thoughts. (Please not that this is a very simplistic explanation and requires a larger understanding of the process to be effective.) Most of the time I did this over a long period of time. However, recently, I have been able to do this over a period of a few days to a couple of weeks.

The great part of this is that just by making a couple of subtle changes to how you see, hear or feel about a past relationship, you can put the negative emotions behind you quickly and move on in search of your extraordinary relationship.

Why is this important?

Clearing out past relationships from your life helps you become emotionally free from the past and emotionally available for the right person to enter your life. As long as you are tied to one or more past relationships, you cannot successfully move forward into a new healthy relationship.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Stay true to your values, ideals, yourself!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

From time to time I have to be reminded of the life lessons I teach. One of the most important lessons is to remain true to your values, ideals and yourself. When you compromise any one of those things, it reflects your character. It says you are willing to compromise and take the easier path.

Recently I have had my Must Have list challenged. For those of you that have not been following me very long, your Must Have list is the list of non-negotiable characteristics you want in your next relationship. Because of my list I have been called selfish, self-centered, and unrealistic to name just a few. However, the most interesting comments come from women that may have a romantic interest, but don't have all of the characteristics that I am looking for. The conversation can quickly degrade into a major disagreement because I refuse to settle for less than my extraordinary relationship.

Some people will twist your relationship goals into something negative and take it as a personal attack. This is an emotionally immature position to take. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Meeting someone that takes personal offense to your list of Must Haves; tries to justify why your list is wrong; wants you to compromise or tries to justify why they are a great match for you just doesn't get it. They are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that we all have our own likes, dislikes, dreams and goals. These are the people you need to turn your back on and walk away. (That doesn't mean that you can't be friends. It just means that there should be no romantic relationship with that person.)

Don't condemn other people for what they want in a relationship. They are free to make their choices just as you are free to make yours. Your preferences in a relationship are a reflection of you and your experiences! They are in no way a reflection of anyone else! Your choices do not determine whether someone else is a good or bad person. If you don't meet someone's criteria it just means you are not a good fit and vise versa. Period! If you look at it any other way, you have some serious self reflection to do. Be an adult. Recognize that everyone has their own personal relationship preferences. When you find some that has all of yours and you have all of theirs, you just might have the beginning of an extraordinary relationship!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The Transition from "I'm not worthy" to "I deserve better than this"

The transition from not feeling worthy of a great relationship to deserving the best is a difficult one. This is usually the time that you go from missing someone from your past, regretting mistakes you made, and imagining how it could have been if you had done things differently to I deserve to have an extraordinary relationship. The transition can also be when someone has never had a significant and lasting relationship. either way, the transition can be a long process or a relatively short one. Much depends on your emotional health and maturity.

For most of us, no one is harder on us than ourselves. We beat ourselves up and shame ourselves over our mistakes. We tear ourselves down for hurting those that we may have loved. We live in the sorrow of a lost relationship with the regret of not doing things differently. And, some of us beat ourselves up for not being as good at dating as others for fear that we are missing some magic formula or knowing the right words to say. As the Tenth Avenue North song says; "You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create."

Your mistakes should be your greatest teachers!  You have to learn from those mistakes, fix what you can in your life to not repeat them, forgive yourself and then move on. Learning to forgive yourself is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Be emotionally mature

Part of being emotionally mature is to face our fears. We all have fears. Many times it is the fear of being alone. Fear of rejection is a huge obstacle for many people...including me. The fear of hurting someones feelings can be incapacitating. We all have done some less than mature things in the name of not hurting someones feelings. In the long run, the actions we took probably hurt more than just being straight up honest would have.

Part of making the transition happen more quickly is to be mature enough to look deeply into ourselves and make the best decisions (and many times the hardest ones). It also means being about not only looking at what we did right, but more importantly what we did wrong in the relationship. Being able to recognize your contribution to any problem is a huge step in resolving the problem.

The sooner you accept that you cannot change the past and the sooner you correct your misguided thoughts (or limiting beliefs) and behaviors, the sooner you can move away from "I'm not worthy" and move toward "I deserve better than this"!

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

This isn't the relationship I was looking for!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

"This isn't the relationship I was looking for. It just happened. I feel selfish for wanting to leave."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say things like this. The reality is that you have made a choice. You decided to try to develop a relationship with someone you instinctively knew wasn't right for you. You are not unhappy because you have companionship which is something you desire. BUT, you are not happy either, because the relationship is not fulfilling. It is not meeting all of your emotional, physical, intellectual or spiritual needs.

The saddest relationships are those that are mediocre. You compromise with yourself. You settle for less than extraordinary. You are unclear about what you want but know this relationship isn't making you happy. You may even think that you might not find anyone better. You are paralyzed and are unable to make a great decision for yourself.

The sad part of all this is that because you are attached to someone, the wrong one, the right one can walk in and out of your life without you even knowing it. You see, when most people know that you are dating someone, they will not approach you even if they feel a strong connection to you. Let me give you an example. Bob meets Carol and they have a great conversation. It appears they have a lot in common. Carol reveals that she is dating Ted, but admits that it may not be the greatest of relationships. Bob would really like to date Carol and get to know her better. However, (if he is a decent respectable man) he is not going to make any significant attempt to get in the middle of Carol's relationship. He might say something like "If you ever get free from this relationship, call me."

Bob may have been Mr. Right and Carol will never know because by the time she leaves her mediocre relationship Bob has moved on to a great relationship of his own.

Here's the deal; don't let a relationship just happen...unless all of the elements you want in an extraordinary relationship are present. The elements include an intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical connection. He (or she) needs to possess all of your Must Haves, have none of your deal breakers and you have to have chemistry. Yes, this is a lot to expect, but believe me, the end result will be so rewarding.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The Age of Disposable Relationships!

#Dating #Love #Loveforalifetime #Relationships

It started with the TV dinner, then disposable paper plates and cups, disposable diapers, disposable razors, disposable film cameras, and the list goes on and on. Technology has had an amazing impact on our lives in the last 60 years. However, not all technology has had a positive impact.

We have come to live in an immediate gratification society. With the introduction of such amazing technology as computers, the internet, smart phones, and the unlimited apps and websites that are available, it's easy to search for virtually anything you want. In fact, you can just toss aside a relationship and go on-line to find someone else. With the creation of apps like Tinder, OK Cupid, and several others, searching for a new relationship has been degraded even further when you start to base your decisions upon looks and the possibility of a one night stand.

No-fault divorce has made it easier to leave a marriage. Required separation is almost non-existent. The requirement to show cause for a divorce such as adultery, physical abuse, substance abuse, etc. is no longer necessary. These are just some of the contributing factors related to high divorce rates.

It has become too easy to not fight for a relationship. Because of the things I mentioned above and several other factors, it has become too easy to just walk away when things get tough.

Am I saying that you shouldn't walk away from any relationship when things get tough? Absolutely not. There are relationships that are toxic. There are relationships that may be great, but something is missing such as chemistry or certain characteristics you desire. It is okay to walk away in these cases. However, to walk away when a relationship gets rocky because life has thrown you a curve ball is wrong. Be mature enough to distinguish between real reasons to walk away and being too lazy or self-centered to work on and build your extraordinary relationship.

When I started to write this article, I was focused on the ease of just walking away from relationships and marriages. I quickly realized that there is a fine line between walking away from the wrong relationship and walking away because your relationship became a challenge. Are you committed to finding a long-term relationship or are you committed to taking the easy way out and moving on to someone new when things get rough? Are you realistic in your relationship expectations or are you living with a fantasy that life with the right person is all sunshine and butterflies?

It all comes down to emotional maturity. Your emotional maturity (or immaturity) will shine through when things get rough. If you are quick to discard a relationship then you may want to check your level of emotional maturity. If you hang on to the bitter end in hopes that something magical will happen, you might want to check your level of emotional maturity.

Learn when to fight for a healthy relationship and learn when to let go. If you don't know what a healthy relationship should look like, find a dating coach, counselor or therapist to help you.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Rick Soetebier is an Author, Blogger, Speaker and Dating Coach. He has been a student of self and relationship improvement for more than 28 years. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.