Happy New Year everyone!  Please be safe tonight and we'll meet back here next year!

Do you have a sense of humor?

The question was asked "If women are really interested in meeting a guy who will make them laugh, then why don't they spend their time at comedy clubs and date a stand up comic? Most guys are not good comics."

Actually this is a very good question!  Several years ago I was frustrated by the same question.  It is not uncommon to see women seeking someone that can make them laugh.  I had met someone on line and during our conversation she was literally keeping count of the times that I made her laugh.  Talk about pressure to perform!  I failed miserably in her eyes and that was our first and last conversation.  When I thought about the conversation later, it had nothing to do with whether I was funny or whether she was too critical.  It had everything to do with the fact that we each have a different sense of humor.  What is funny to me may not be to the next person and vise verse.  For example, after more than 50 years, I still find Bugs Bunny and Road Runner funny cartoons.  On the other hand, I have never found humor in Sponge Bob or The Simpsons yet millions of people enjoy these cartoons daily.

When a woman (or a man for that matter) is looking for someone to make her laugh, she is actually looking for someone that has a similar sense of humor.  It is easy to laugh with someone that shares what you think is funny and it is easy for them to laugh with you.  You don't need to be a comedian.  You don't even need to put a lot of effort into being funny.  Just be you.  If the two of you have a common sense of humor she will find that a lot of what you say is amusing and she will laugh...maybe even a lot!

Please post your questions here or for a personal question or consultation, send your request to rick@luv4alifetime.com.

A Time to Reflect

As we come into the final weeks of 2014, it's a great time to reflect on the past year.  What are we thankful for?  What have been our joys?  What have been our sorrows?  What have we learned?  What did we do right?  What can we improve on next year?  Have you made relationship decisions this year that you are happy with?  Have you learned to be a better communicator this year?

These are but a few of the questions we can ask ourselves as we look back on the year and look forward to a new year.  This is an important process for each of us to go through.  I recently spent a day with a group of people doing this very thing.  When properly facilitated, the process of reviewing the past year and looking forward to the new year and beyond is a helpful way to stay focused or refocus on what is actually important to each of us.  During any given year, we can fall prey to life events, daily routine, neglect or any number of other distractions that cause us to lose focus on what is truly important to us.

My biggest take-away from spending a day reviewing and planning was a re-affirmation of my business and personal relationship goals along with a refinement of some current business strategies.

It often doesn't take much to get back on track to focus on our goals.  Sometimes it is a simple conversation.  Other times it is having someone to be accountable to.  This is someone that will help you define what's important and what is not.  If you need a review by having a simple conversation or if you need professional coaching to help you define or refine your relationship goals consider a coaching relationship with me.  Contact me for help reviewing your on-line dating profile, developing your "Must Have" list, helping you think through dating and relationship questions or other relationship related concerns.

What are some of your relationship questions or concerns?  Post your questions here or contact me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

What Americans Really Think About Relationships, Cohabitation and Marriage

Here is a link to a great article from the Daily Signal I read recently.  It is an interesting look at our attitudes towards relationships, living together and marriage.  It then looks at what studies tell us about relationships, living together and marriage.  Our perception and reality appear to be at odds with each other.  This article reinforces some of the concepts I teach, the importance of in-tact families and the value of waiting for marriage to be physically intimate.

http://dailysignal.com/2014/12/15/americans-really-think-relationships-cohabitation-marriage/?utm_source=facebook

Check out my web site for up coming seminars.  Go to http://luv4alifetime.com

Are you following the path that God has laid out for you?

This question applies to business, relationships, family, friends...virtually every aspect of our lives.  I am always in awe when God opens (or closes) a door at the very moment I need guidance.  The important thing is to be observant and recognize what opportunities are being presented and which ones are being taken away.

I have been blessed with having people come into my life at different times for different reasons.  Some have come and gone, some are still with me and probably will be for life.  I also recognize that there are still others that have yet to make an appearance.  At times these relationships have challenged me to re-evaluate who I am and what I am doing.  Like any human being, I will often resist hearing the truth in their message.  However, when I take time to reflect and absorb what I'm being told, I often come away with a new insight and understanding of me and a greater appreciation for those that have challenged me.

I believe God gives all of us a passion for something.  What is your passion?  What is it that you truly love to do?  We all have to discover that passion and then work at developing and sharing our passion with others.  This is part of the path that God has laid out for us.  Ignoring our passion will bring strife, anxiety and regret.  I have discovered that I love to help others.  For 21 years I spent my time helping people make better financial decisions.  Now, my passion to help people has lead me in a different direction and that his to help single people make better decisions about the people they date and the relationships they enter into.  Maybe your passion is being a stay-at-home mom, a photographer, a baker, a rancher, a truck driver, a used car salesman, etc.  Whatever your passion, work at being the best that you can be at what you do! 

Not everyone is destined for fame or fortune and that's okay.  I believe that God wants us to focus on the passion He has given us.  We cheat Him, the world around us and most importantly ourselves when we ignore or worse yet, don't take time to discover and nurture our passion.  Don't be embarrassed, intimidated or inhibited because of your passion.  Share it with the world.  I believe that this is the way He intends to impact the world around us. 

How did I get here?

That is a question we all ask ourselves from time to time.  As we travel through life we come upon various events that cause us to pause and reflect on our life's journey...or at least we should.  These events can be positive or negative.  Either way, they should make us look at who we have become and how we have gotten here.

For me, this has been a journey of at least 25 years.  That is when I bought my first self-help cassette tape series.  It was a program designed to help me create a positive attitude and improve my sales skills.  I listened faithfully for months.  I did gain a much more positive attitude but sales skills didn't improve that much.

As time went on, I acquired more and more self-help books, tapes and CDs.  Books like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Awaken the Giant Within and In Search of Excellence were just the beginning.  I started to read more and more...business books, personal improvement books.  I purchased Anthony Robbins CD programs and listened for hours on end.  All of the information I was consuming was great, but there was something missing.  I was missing self confidence!

For years I lived with the fear that people would not like me if they knew who I "really" was.  I couldn't possibly live up to the facade I had created.  Then, one day I was having a very frank conversation with a close friend.  He made some comments about how he viewed me and our relationship.  It opened my eyes to how others actually did see me.  At age 52, I was no longer the little boy or young man in search of acceptance.  I was an adult that could be and was now respected for who I was.  All the years of listening to and reading self-help material all seemed to come together in one moment with the words of a dear friend.  This was the first major turning point in my life.

There have been several other important personal revelations in my life since then, but that was the first and the most important.  The realization that I was not inferior, was not stupid, was not an idiot, was the door that opened a new world of self-confidence to me.  Since that time, I have come to learn that few of us have grown up in healthy households.  Yet, many of us have overcome these issues and live happy lives.  What have you overcome?  How did you get here?  Share your stories with us.

How well do you know your significant other?

If you have been with someone for any amount of time, one would think they had a pretty good knowledge of each other.  This may not necessarily be the case.  Oh sure, you may know his favorite TV show or you may know her favorite color.  You may even know some things like favorite time of the year, their best friend from grade school or what's on their bucket list.  Often times the things we know are mostly superficial.

Have you ever tried to have a really deep meaningful conversation?  I'm talking about a conversation that gets to the core of who you and your significant other really are.  What are your/their core values?  What are your/their life goals?  What are you/they passionate about?  What are your/their greatest fears?  These are just a few questions that can create a deeper understanding of who you and your mate really are.

These are questions that are very powerful and can leave one feeling very vulnerable.  They can also be very eye-opening and liberating.  If you have never given any thought to these and other powerful thought provoking questions, maybe it's time you tried.  Open yourself up to the vulnerability of being truthful with yourself and you mate.

Tough questions have the power to hurt if you are not careful.  Information shared must be in a safe environment.  You and your significant other must be careful not to use the information to attack, abuse, tease or otherwise hurt your mate in any way.  Remember, your mate must feel safe to share information with you and know that it is not going to be used against them later or shared with anyone else without permission.

The more you know and understand about your mate, the deeper your connection and communication can be.  A conversation that asks the tough questions has the potential to take a relationship from good to great or from great to extraordinary.   Learn to move past superficial.  Learn about your mate and help them understand you better.  Ask questions and develop a deeper more meaningful relationship.

Register Here

I came across a great article about being single and wanted to share with you all.  I hope you enjoy.

So why are you single? - Sophie Personne bit.ly

Are you willing to do what it takes to keep an extraordinary relationship extraordinary?

New relationships are always exciting.  They often bring spontaneity, surprises and plenty of attention to each other.  What happens when the new wears off?  What happens to your love when you start falling into a daily routine?

This is where the real work of a relationship begins.  In the beginning, we all try to put our best foot forward and make the extra effort to be fun and exciting.  When we slip into the daily routine of life, most of us gradually stop putting in the extra effort because we no longer feel the need to impress our mate.  Usually, you are both to tired from your long days at work.  It is easier to grab some take out food or throw a pizza in the oven than it is to spend time cooking together.  It is easier to go home, crash on the couch and watch a movie than it is to go out for an evening of dancing.

The Law of Motion or Inertia not only apply to objects, but relationships as well.  When you let your world overwhelm you with tasks, chores, stress, etc., you start to lose focus on the one you love.  As your focus changes, your relationship changes.  It becomes stale and stagnates and you start to take each other for granted.  Once you get to this point, your relationship is in jeopardy of stalling and failing.

To keep your relationship moving forward you need to provide some effort.  That effort will not need to be as much as it took to get your relationship going.  In most cases, it will be the simple things; a note, a phone call, a date night, a spontaneous drive into the country to look at the stars...  It doesn't need to be a continuous full-on effort, just a little effort from both of you.

What do you do to keep your relationship extraordinary?  Share your ideas with us.

Are you able to take a truly introspective look at your life?

Most of us can identify our strengths , but are you able to identify your weaknesses?  This is something that is very difficult for most of us to do including me.  Over the past 25 years I have been blessed with people that have come into my life and have stepped up to the roll of mentor.

A mentor or a coach will help you look at your personal life or your business life and help you see things from a different perspective.  While your mentor should only have your best interest at heart, some of the conversations can be brutally painful and eye opening.  Very few of us want to think that we could be doing something wrong or be moving in the wrong direction with our life.  Even fewer of us are willing to deal with emotional or intellectual distress of admitting we could be wrong and to seriously look at making necessary changes in our life.  We all want to think that we have life (or business) figured out and everything is good.  I am guilty of thinking this way.

Learn to recognize the potential mentors in your life.  All to often, we push these people away from us because we don't want to deal with certain realities in life.  Yet, these are the very people we need to help us focus on correcting the weaknesses that are holding us back.  Having the maturity to seek improvement in life is a huge advantage in being able to achieve your goals whether it is in business or personal life. 

Learn not to push your potential mentors/coaches away.  Listen and learn from their experience.  They have already learned what you need to know.

How do you see Love?

                                                                          OR

Here are two images, one appears loving and romantic and the other appears to be a serious and maybe even heated discussion.  How do you see a loving relationship?  Do you see it as always romantic with tender moments, always joyful and not a care in the world?  Do you see love as too much work, arguments and to little romance?  Or, do you see it as something in between?

In the early stages of a romantic relationship we are usually going to be overcome with infatuation.  Infatuation is what gives us butterflies in the stomach as you are about to reunite with your lover.  It is that weak in the knees feeling.  It is that tingle you get when you see your lover across the room.  But, what happens when the infatuation wears off?

After infatuation, you start to see and experience the real person you are with...the good, the bad and the morning breath.  You are starting to deal with the day-to-day aspects of a relationship.  If you are with your extraordinary love, your soul mate, you will learn to come together as a team and work through all the daily issues.  Your love for each other will help build each other up, not tear each other down.  Life will throw road blocks in your way.  As emotionally mature lovers, you should be able to work your way through any issues with good, open and honest conversation.

A question that I am sometimes asked is "How do you get to the point where you can have open and honest conversations?"  My answer is; "One step at a time."  From very early on in your relationship you need to be brave and courageous.  If you have rarely (if ever) had really deep, honest conversations with anyone, this will be a growing and learning process.  Rarely have I found dealing with problems and having tough conversations to be easy or comfortable.  However, what I have found is that the more I have these types of conversations the more I find that my anxiety or stress is reduced.  It doesn't completely go away...it's just not as strong.

In the end, when you are with your extraordinary love, working through issues will be much easier than you have experienced in the past.  Some things that were issues in the past may no longer be issues.  Why?  Just because!  They become less important because just being with your soul mate is what brings you joy!  When you are with this person, it is an incredible feeling of love.  It is a feeling that never goes away; it is unconditional.  How do you describe that kind of love?  I can't.  Anyone that has experienced this kind of love, even for a short period of time, understands that it is a feeling that transcends words. 

Extraordinary love will resemble both pictures above.  When you find this love, you will know it.  You will not question it; it will just be there residing inside you and your lover.

Love does not guarantee "happily ever after".

Most of us have fallen deeply in love with someone.  However, for one reason or another, that love was not strong enough to sustain the relationship.  When a relationship ends, we all suffer a certain level of grief.  It doesn't make any difference why the relationship ended, how long it lasted, who ended it, how good it was or how bad it was.  We all are going to grieve when we feel a loss.  It is a natural part of the healing process.

There are seven stages of grief (you can look them up on your own) and we all pass through each of theses stages, not necessarily in order and sometimes we revisit certain stages more than once. 

I often tell people that only you can control your emotions.  No one else can control them unless you give them permission to do so.  The emotion of grief is different in that only you can deal with it.  You cannot give control of your grief to anyone else.  It is yours and yours alone.  While your grief may be triggered by someone else's actions, they cannot control your reactions.  Your grief, your loss, is something that only you can work through.

Love is a very powerful emotion and when a relationship ends we will usually carry that love with us for a long time to come.  It may dwindle in time and we will move on.  Cherish the experience of loving someone even if it didn't work out as you had planned.  It is part of the human experience and adds to the richness of life.  Learn more about yourself from a love lost.  What things could be done differently?  What things can be done better next time?  What characteristics do we need to look out for in our next relationship?

To learn more, check out my book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate at luv4alifetime.com where you can read the first chapter free of charge.

Saying you're sorry doesn't necessarily fix what you have said or done.

Are you living by double standards?

Many of us have double standards.  We expect lenience and forgiveness from our friends and loved ones yet we are not so lenient and forgiving in return.  Why?  I believe that we set expectations for our relationships that are sometimes very hard to live up to.  So hard, in fact, that we don't apply the same expectations to ourselves.

Here is an example of what I mean.  I was talking with a friend recently about her expectations for her mate.  She grew up in a very verbally abusive home.  Consequently, she does not want to be in a relationship where there is any name calling of any sort.  The first offense is a deal breaker for her.  (By the way, this is one of her unwritten rules of relationships and that is a subject for another blog.)  Yet, to hear her talk, she questions why her boyfriend would be willing to "throw their relationship away" so quickly after more than one offence.  This is the double standard.

How many other double standards do you live by?  Do you expect your mate to do all the house cleaning and then you don't lift a finger to help?  Do you expect a back or neck rub and are not willing to give one in return?  These are just a couple of simple examples.  I'm sure you can come up with many more.  Share yours with me so others can learn.

Living with double standards can create hurdles in your relationship.  If the double standards are severe enough, they can cause your mate to build emotional walls that may be insurmountable.  They can be relationship ending.  Consider your double standards.  Are they there for a reason?  Can they be changed?

Can you live up to the standards you set for other people?

Why do you want to be in a relationship?

This is an important question to ask. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Is it because you want companionship...someone to do things with? Or, is it something deeper? Are you looking for more than a superficial relationship? Are you looking for someone to truly connect with intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically? We all walk different paths in life, but one common need we all have is the need for connection to others. Are you open to and emotionally available to be a part of a deep meaningful relationship?

Where do you draw the line? When do you end a relationship that appears to be the wrong one?

Those are questions I get on a regular basis. The answer is not always clear. If you are in a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you cannot leave quickly enough. If there is alcohol or substance abuse, you can't leave quickly enough. Then, there are situations that nothing appears to be wrong. In fact, everything appears to be right yet it doesn't feel quite right. This is where gut instinct needs to be your guide. If it feels like you need to stay in the relationship, then stay. If not, then move on.

I'm a huge proponent of not wasting time in a less than extraordinary relationship. On the other hand, sometimes it takes a season or two to figure out if he or she might be the right one. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and see what happens.

Are you in control of your emotions?

Let's think about these two questions. Are you in control of your emotions? Or, do you let others control your emotions?

I cannot tell you the number of times that I have heard "I don't want to hurt his/her feelings." Or "He/she hurt my feelings." If you seriously think about these last two statements, the only way for you to hurt someone's feelings is if they give you permission. The only way you can have your feelings hurt is if you give someone else permission to do so. This is a very difficult concept for most of us to learn. In general, we don't want to be responsible for what we feel. It is always easier to say it is someone else's fault if our feelings are hurt. On the other hand, we somehow feel we have unlimited control of other people's feelings. In reality...we don't. We have no more control over someone else's feelings than they have over ours.

The key to remember is that you, and you alone, are in control of your feelings. When you take responsibility for what you feel, you will be amazed at how good you can feel most of the time. I'm not saying that you won't feel hurt from time to time. We all do. But, the feeling will not last long when you understand that YOU are in control...not any outside influences.

Time is precious, and to spend time in a bad relationship is time lost forever. Settling for a relationship that is less than extraordinary is to short change yourself and your mate.

A Gentleman should...

 

I have been asked to write about the art of being a gentleman. In doing my research, I have found several good blogs and books on the topic. So, I will keep this relatively short by just listing some of the key characteristics of a gentleman.

 

A gentleman should always:

• Open doors for a lady
• Walk her to her car or front door
• Walk on the curb side of the street
• Seat the lady first before sitting down
• Dress appropriately for the occasion
• Use good manners
• Be hygienic
• Be honest
• Be a gracious winner
• Be a gracious loser
• Make others feel like they are the center of attention
• Watch your mouth
• Remove your hat indoors
• Wait for others to get their food before eating
• Help a lady with her coat
• Reach for the check

 

If you have questions on how or why, just Google "etiquette of a gentleman" and you will find plenty of resources.

Relationships...like the seasons of the year.

All relationships go through cycles just like the seasons of the year. In the beginning, the relationship is fresh and new (Spring). Then it starts to grow and flourish (Summer). Now, the relationship is mature. Some parts start to fade in color while other parts display their most brilliant colors (Fall). Finally, the relationship slips away either through a deliberate decision to end it or the unplanned loss of a spouse (Winter). For most people, the cycle will begin again. Unlike the seasons of the year, seasons of relationships are generally unpredictable. An entire relationship life cycle may last only a few weeks or it may last a lifetime. Ultimately, we all search for that one relationship that will last a lifetime.

Where do you want to invest your time?

All relationships, both personal and business, require on-going communication.  Without on-going communication, business relationships break down because of lack of contact.  This lack of contact opens the door to communication with business competitors and the potential for loss of clients and business.

The same is true for personal relationships.  Lack of communication and contact also leads to the breakdown of the relationship.  Withdrawal during times of stress can be common but, prolonged withdrawal is damaging and hurtful.  Open and honest communication allows for the sharing of thoughts and ideas that can be conveyed in no other way.  Shutting your mate out through non-communication begins to break down the emotional bonds that connect you.  If this is allowed to go on long enough, the emotional bonds can be severed completely.  Once this happens, one of two things will happen.  Either the relationship ends, or it will take an extraordinary effort to reconnect emotionally.  From experience, both personally and professionally, it takes much more effort to rebuild a relationship than it does to maintain it through regular and open communication.

Where do you want to invest your time...continually developing new relationships or maintaining and nurturing your existing relationship?

Do you want a great relationship or an STD?

Where should you draw the line of promoting sex outside of marriage?  Do you believe in the 3 or 5 date rule?  (This is the rule that says you have to have 3,5 or whatever your number is dates before you sleep with someone.)  Do you wait until you are in a committed relationship?  Or, do you wait until marriage?  I bring these questions up because of a recent request for help by a female writer for a major men's health magazine.  The quote below is her request.

"looking for relationship/intimacy experts who can talk about sexy, not
creepy, things you can say to "get her naked right now" ("right
now" is open for interpretation)."

I'm not sure why this surprised me so much.  Maybe it was because the request came from a woman.  Maybe it was because of the brashness of her request.  Maybe it's because my values have changed over the years as I have matured.

Over the past 50 years it has become so easy just to jump into bed with someone you hardly know.  I'm not saying that people didn't do this sort of thing before the 1960's but it wasn't an acceptable practice back then.  As the cultural revolution of the '60's and '70's progressed, traditional family values were pushed by the wayside and they continue to be left farther and farther behind us everyday.

Where do we draw the line?  As a practicing Christian, I know that I am supposed to wait until marriage for physical intimacy.  As an author, speaker and dating coach I know that introducing sex too early in a relationship inhibits our ability to connect with our partner intellectually, spiritually and emotionally...and that is scientific fact.  As a man, I know the physical urges and desires we have and they can be overwhelming, making even the strongest among us give in to temptation.  If we give in to physical desires too frequently with too many partners, we open ourselves up to gifts that keep on giving...STD's.

Ultimately, the decision belongs to each one of us.  The longer we keep our clothes on, the more likely we are to develop a stronger, healthier relationship.  And, if it is not the right relationship, you will not have given your physical self away for momentary pleasure.

Do you struggle with believing that there is a perfect mate for you?

Do you struggle with this concept because no one is perfect? Or, how about "I don't deserve an extraordinary mate?" Maybe your friends tell you that you are too picky and you believe them! Or maybe you don't believe in soul mates and that relationships have to be hard work. Any one of these thoughts (and many more) can kee...p you from waiting, being patient and finding your soul mate.

Do you believe in God or some form of a higher power? Do you believe He wants what is best for you? Do you think He might have a soul mate in mind for you? If you do, then why would you second guess Him and not wait for the right person in your life? Why do you want to waste your time in a relationship that is not extraordinary in hopes that it someday will be?

Ponder these questions as you think about what your extraordinary relationship should look like.

I recently recorded a podcast interview for JenningsWire.com, a national publicity firm.  In the interview I discusses some key components to effective dating and great relationships.  Click on the link to see their blog post and hear the entire interview.

http://www.jenningswire.com/love/relationships/podcast-finding-your-soul-mate/

Are you a cheerleader, an enabler or a dream killer?

 The cheerleader is the person in your corner cheering you on, encouraging you and holding you accountable when necessary. These are the people that want to see you succeed and exceed even your own wildest expectations.

The enabler is the person that is in your corner, cheers you on but doesn't hold you accountable. They are the people that will tell you it's okay when you make excuses for not following through on a promise or commitment.

The dream killer is neither in your corner nor encouraging. In fact they will probably bet against you given the chance. These are the people that will tell you that you aren't good enough, you can't do what you set out to do. They generally have a very negative outlook on life.

Surround yourself with cheerleaders. Keep the enablers and dream killers at an arms distance from you or better yet get them out of your life if possible. While enablers and dream killers may seem to have good intentions, relationships with them are generally toxic and destructive to you.

Now, look at yourself. Which one are you...a cheerleader, an enabler or a dream killer?

 

I believe that we all can be a cheerleader, an enabler or dream killer at different times in our lives depending on the situation.  Ideally we will be the cheerleader most of the time, but certain situations may require a different approach to dealing with family, friends and acquaintances.  You may need to be a dream killer if you can plainly see that the behavior of someone you are about is destructive and dangerous.

What subjects are you afraid to talk about with your mate? Money? Sex? Past relationships? Religion? Politics? Why?

Extraordinary communication is critical to any relationship and at any stage of a relationship. In a new relationship, being able to discuss your likes, dislikes, history and future are very important. You need to be confident enough in yourself to bring up sensitive topics even if you know that the subject might be a deal breaker for your mate. It is better to find out early on than to develop emotional connections and then find out you or your mate has a past that you (or they) are not willing to live with going forward.

In a mature relationship you will discover potentially sensitive issues that need to be discussed. You need to feel confident that your mate will respect you enough to create a safe environment to talk. They need to receive and feel the same from you. By safe environment we mean that the subject matter will not be used to berate, belittle, harm or embarrass the other person in any way...now or in the future.

Addressing sensitive topics can build a much deeper level of trust and respect because of your openness and willingness to talk about tough subjects.

What signals are you sending your mate?

Are you flirtatious like we discussed yesterday? Are you cool and reserved? Are you distant and closed off from communication? Are you open and receptive? We have the ability to be all these and more at any given time and in any given circumstance. However, we do tend to gravitate to being more open or closed depending on our personality and on the relationship.

Much of the time we will naturally reflect the signals our mate is send to us. If they are closed and withdrawn, we can become that way. If they are open and receptive we can reflect that too. In a great or extraordinary relationship, we can naturally reflect our mate's mood or at times we can move in the opposite direction especially when we are being supportive of our mate during a rough time in their life.

Some of us do this more naturally than others. If you are not blessed with the ability to "read" your mate's mood instinctively, it will take some observation, discussion and learning about how to best be supportive and communicative.

The opposite is also true. If we are not tuned into the signals we are sending to our mate, we won't realize what message they are receiving. Often it is good to ask how someone else perceives you to gain an understanding of the message you are sending.

What do you have to be aware of? You have to understand the words you use. As we say in our book, "words have meaning." Understanding how words are used, tone of voice and body language all contribute to portraying a message. We devote two chapters to the subject of communication and that can be a great place to start to help you understand both the message that you send and the message you think you are receiving. If that isn't enough,there have been many books written specifically on the various components of communication.

Learn to be the best communicator that you can be. This will have a huge impact not only on your romantic relationships but also with personal, work and business relationships.

Flirting is an aphrodisiac!

Think about the last time you had someone flirt with you. If there was even the mildest physical attraction to the person flirting with you, flirting increased this attraction and can act as an aphrodisiac. Here is an article from Fox News from 2009. It is a bit graphic but is a great explanation of the effect.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/01/30/foxsexpert-and-best-aphrodisiac-is/

Please note: we are not promoting indiscriminate sex by sharing this article. We still believe that physical intimacy should be reserve for the bonds of marriage. We also realize that in today's "immediate gratification society" that waiting for marriage is not a desirable option for most people.

How do you handle money in your relationship?

Money is one of the most important topics; one of the least discussed early in a relationship; and the subject that has been the cause of more breakups and divorce than any other subject. Discussing finances and having common financial goals is critical to a healthy relationship. Understanding and making plans for how money is earned, accumulated and spent are great conversations to have early on.

As your relationship progresses and you are committed to each other, do you start to combine assets such as checking accounts or do you keep them separate?  During the courtship process it is important to learn how your mate handles money.  Do they save?  Do they run out of money before the end of the month?  If you combine checking accounts, do you both have equal say about how money is spent or will one of you have more say than the other?

If you are in a relationship where one or both of you have children from previous marriages it is also important to discuss estate planning and how assets that have been accumulated both before and during the relationship will be divided.

What about debt?  Do either or both of you have significant debt?  Where did that debt come from?  Is it school debt?  Is it from spending more than you make?  Is it from medical bills or another unforeseen emergency?  Is it debt from divorce?  How is this debt being taken care of?  Do you or your mate have a plan to pay off debt as quickly as possible?  Will the debt be paid off before marriage?  If not, (assuming one person is basically debt free) will both incomes be used to pay off debt?  This may be a great time to consult an attorney to discuss potential prenuptial agreements.

As a former financial advisor, I suggest that assets and debt remain separate until you are married.  In the event that the two of you should split before marriage, it is much easier to have separate checking accounts than to try to unravel combined accounts.  Be cautious about being overly generous if you are debt free.  Paying off your mates debts is a wonderful gesture, but we have seen all to many times that after the debt is paid, the relationship changes and not necessarily for the better.

If you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't manage money well, be careful not to be taken advantage of.  Generosity can be a wonderful thing if done correctly.  If not, it can be a great enabler of the financially irresponsible.

It is always easier to see someone else's flaws and mistakes than to see our own!

In the midst of a conversation this weekend, I found myself being judged for some of my past actions. I may have been able to avoid this "judgment" by being a little less forthright with my answers to difficult questions. Would it have made me look better? Yes, it would. Would it have been the truth? Yes, in a manner of speaking, but it would have only been part of the truth.

It is easy to be judgmental of others. We all have the ability to see what we would consider mistakes that others make. We all make decisions that are clearly wrong. We may have entered into relationships with mates that are alcoholics, co-dependents, spendthrifts, etc. Do we always see these issues before hand? Not necessarily. Why? Sometimes our vision is clouded by emotion or infatuation. Sometimes our vision is clouded by a lifetime of emotional abuse or emotional immaturity. Other times...we just make poor decisions thinking we can change another person!

Can you make excuses for bad decisions? Absolutely! Have you learned from your mistakes? That is an important question which only you can answer. The first step is to recognize and admit the mistakes you have made. The second step is to learn and grow from them and if necessary ask for forgiveness.

The important lesson here is to remember your mistakes but don't continue to relive them. Don't continue to beat yourself up about the past. You can't change the past. You can only make a better future by learning from your mistakes and making better decisions going forward.

In the end, it is far easier to judge others. It is never as easy to look inward and judge ourselves.

Okay. You find yourself single again. Now what?

Today we are going to follow up on Tuesdays post. Whether you were the one to make the decision to end the relationship, it was a mutual decision or even if it was forced on you, this is a great time to step back and reflect. This is the time to look realistically at your relationship and see what went right and what went wrong. Were there red flags that you didn't see? Were there conversations that should have been explored further?

In many relationships there are issues on both sides. He doesn't hold my hand in public. She doesn't let me have my guy time. (I know, these may seem pretty simple, but you get my point.) Whatever the issues or arguments are, they were issues that neither of you could work through or you were not able to make significant enough personal changes to accommodate your mate.

Avoid the "He is making a huge mistake." or "She is going to be sorry she left." thinking. Odds are that both of these thoughts are wrong. We just wish they would be true in an effort to ease our own pain, especially if the decision to break up was not our own. There are going to be relationships that, no matter how hard we try, or how much we want them to succeed, they won't. There is just something missing...

This is a great time to reconnect with friends that you may not have seen in a while. Most importantly though, take time for you. It takes time to heal from the loss of a relationship. It's okay to think about the past but don't dwell on it. Take a break from dating. Look ahead to the future. If there are things that you know you would like to change or learn for your next relationship, now is the time to start on those changes. Do things that make you happy.

Finally, focus on what you do have, not on what you think you have lost. Just because what you thought was a great relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that there isn't something even better in store for you.

Do you know you need to end a relationship but keep holding on?

Are you in a one-sided relationship? Are you in a relationship where your mate is not emotionally (or legally) available? Are there emotional or codependency issues that you need to free yourself from? There are any number of reasons that can create the need to end a relationship. Understanding the need to and doing it are two completely different issues.

An important point to remember is that ending a relationship does not necessarily make one person right and the other one wrong. It doesn't make one person good and the other one bad. It just means that the two of you are not completely compatible. If even just one of the Four Cornerstones of a relationship (Intellectual, Spiritual, Emotional or Physical) is missing, you don't have an extraordinary relationship. And odds are, it never will be.

We usually understand the need to leave a relationship and that is the easy part. Actually ending it can be the excruciatingly painful part. Regardless of the reason you choose to leave a relationship, prolonging the break-up is rarely a good idea. Rarely is there a good time. Rarely is it easy or pain-free. Just be an adult and mature about ending the relationship. You don't need harsh words, even if you are thinking them. There is generally no reason to prolong the conversation. Just speak your mind and move on.

After a break-up, you often may feel remorse. This is the main reason that you have a desire to reconnect in spite of the fact that breaking up was the right thing to do. If you decide to climb on this emotional roller coaster ride, you are going to get hurt again...and again...and again until you decide to completely break free. Resist your urge to call and reconnect. It only leads to more pain and then having to restart the healing process all over again. Break up once and heal once.

Finally, ending an emotionally or physically abusive relationship should always be a priority and done sooner rather than later. Ending this type of relationship may also take some planning and the help of family, friends or other resources. If necessary, contact a local shelter and law enforcement for your protection. Your health and safety and the health and safety of your children should always be a priority.

Join us this Saturday for a book signing at Reader's World in Sedalia.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1444525295798962/

F.E.A.R. How many times have you been afraid of doing or saying something only to find out afterward that it was easier than you thought?

The acronym for F.E.A.R. is:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

How many times have you worried about something, an event or a conversation that you thought might be very difficult only to get through it and realize that none of your worst fears materialized? We all do this! It is human nature. It is also a fact that 95% of the scenarios that we create in our mind will never come to pass. That means that almost everything we worry about is unnecessary worry.

How much more could you accomplish if you weren't afraid? Could you meet your soul mate if you were not afraid to go up and introduce yourself? We create scenarios in our head capturing our worst fears of rejection, failure and embarrassment. We create these scenarios to protect ourselves from both physical and emotional harm. The truth is, no one (at least to my knowledge) has ever died from rejection, failure or embarrassment.

My experience has taught me that once I take the step of pushing past my fear and approaching someone or trying something new, it is never as bad or traumatic as I pictured in my mind! The brain is an incredibly powerful organ that can create some very vivid pictures. We have to learn to shift our thinking from the worst possible outcome to the best possible outcome. When we do this, we free ourselves up to do many of the things we were afraid of doing.

The important thing is to realized that most of your fears are unfounded and unrealistic. By having this understanding, you free yourself to step out of your comfort zone more often and experience more of what you are capable of doing. The next time you are out and see someone you would like to meet, envision that person as being very happy to meet you and wanting to have a great conversation. Remember, they probably have the same fear about meeting you as you do of meeting them!

How do you regain trust once it has been lost?

I have been pondering this question for a couple of weeks after I had a conversation with a friend about her boyfriend that cheated on her. I'm not sure I have a great answer today. There are a lot of variables to consider.

We all trust in different ways. Some of us start trusting another person the moment we meet them. I am one of these people.  I will take you at face value and trust you until you do something to violate my trust. Others are very cautious and you have to prove yourself to be trustworthy. It is only over time that you can earn your trust through your words and actions.

When trust is broken, it is because someone has done something that has violated our rules, expectations, promises made, etc. There can be varying degrees of broken trust. It can be as simple as being late for dinner after promising to be on time or it can be much more serious such as cheating on your mate.

How do you regain trust? It is not easy and trust may never be regained depending on the seriousness of the issue. Regaining trust after being late for dinner can usually be accomplished in a short period of time by being where you promise to be at the specified time. However, regaining trust after cheating on your mate is much more serious and will take significantly more time to recover, if at all.

When a serious breach of trust has occurred, it may be impossible to fully regain the original level of trust. It may take years to regain a reasonable amount of trust. If you have violated someone's trust, you need to expect to be "watched" for an indefinite amount of time. You will need to prove yourself worthy of being trusted again over and over and over. And for some, once their trust has been violated, you will never be able to regain it!

From a relationship standpoint, if your trust is violated, are you willing to forgive or is it time to move on?

If you violate someone's trust, do you deserve to be trusted again and what are you willing to do to become trustworthy again?

I can only speak for myself on this issue. There are times that I have forgiven too quickly and had my trust violated again. At other times, I have not forgiven quickly enough or been too judgmental and lost what were once good friendships. It is a fine line either way. Being overly trusting can bring undue hurt. Not trusting enough can restrict or even prevent extraordinary relationships from even happening.

How do you handle trust issues? Let us hear from you.

Can you communicate with your ex in a civil manner?
 

After a divorce, you almost always need to communicate with your ex. It could be about children, money, bills, or any number of other things. Are you able to communicate effectively and civilly? While this may seem like a very simple question, it is one that takes some serious thought.

I had the opportunity to speak with my ex recently. The conversation was very civil and even cordial. However, it took quite a bit of will power on my part to keep it that way. After only a few short minutes, I quickly recognized the communication patterns of our past. It would have been very easy to fall back into our old "learned" routine of raising voices and lashing out at each other.

There are several components of communication that can either make or break a conversation. Your tone of voice, the content or words you use and even facial expressions impact the way a conversation proceeds. Negative tones in your voice or inflection, negative or sarcastic words, and frowns and rolling of the eyes can cause a conversation to deteriorate very quickly.

The opposite is also true. A positive tone of voice, positive words and a neutral or happy face can keep a conversation from spiraling downward out of control. In fact, just the act of putting a smile on your face, whether you mean it or not, will change your tone of voice and attitude...even when you are just talking on the phone. People can "hear" a smile. It is virtually impossible to portray a negative tone in you voice when you are smiling!

Not every conversation you are going to have is going to be easy. If your ex-spouse cannot or will not control their emotions, words and facial expressions, don't fall into the trap of fanning the flames of a new argument by losing your self-control. Learn to recognize your "learned" behaviors and reactions to your ex and work at not falling back into those past behaviors. It will make life much easier for everyone involved.

Have you found your soul mate? Not so fast...maybe not!
 

You have just found the person you feel deep in your heart is your soul mate. He likes the same food you do. She likes to watch sports. He enjoys shopping with you. She enjoys helping you wash the car. And on and on it goes. You both like the same things, have the same views on most topics and all is well with the world.

You start to get comfortable with each other. Then something starts to happen. He doesn't like your lipstick. She doesn't laugh at your jokes anymore. He wants you to change the way you dress. She doesn't want you to hang out with your friends anymore. These changes may be subtle at first and you may even agree to make some of these changes. But, over time, the demands for change become ever increasing and unending. You are at a point where you may have even been alienated from your friends and family. You now realize that your mate is very controlling and jealous. Your soul mate turns out to be your mate from hell!

We can chuckle at the thought of these things happening and say it will never happen to me. However, these relationship issues happen all the time. If we are not vigilant, we can get sucked into these relationships that are the equivalent of a black hole in space. They suck the light and life out of everyone around them. At best they are unhealthy co-dependent relationships. You may even be with someone that needs serious professional help.

If you stay long enough, you may even need professional help to unwind yourself from the many lies you have come to believe. What lies? Here are just a few. "You will never be anything without me." "You are not good enough to make it on your own." "Nobody wants to be with someone like you!" "I can be with someone better than you by the end of the day." "You will never find anyone that treats you as well as I do." And the list goes on and on. Have you ever heard these? Heard often enough, they can become very believable.

It is often easy for people on the outside of this type of relationship to see that it is unhealthy. However, it is far more difficult to see how destructive these relationships are when you are on the inside. This is one of the many reasons we encourage you to write down all your Must Haves and Deal Breakers. When you are in the midst of a new relationship (usually the first 12 to 24 months) and wrapped in infatuation, it is often difficult to recognize any of the warning signs. By having your list written down, you can refer back to it on a regular basis and see if your mate is meeting YOUR needs. The lists will help you step back from the infatuation, if only for a short period of time, to honestly evaluate your relationship.

It is wonderful to think we have found our soul mate after only a few conversations and a couple of dates. It takes time to get to know someone and it often takes several months to get to see their real personality. Take your time in getting to know someone. Don't make huge emotional and financial commitments too quickly. It's okay to have an open mind and open heart but you also need to be smart and watch for red flags.

Have your children taken sides after your divorce?

It is not uncommon for children, including adult children, to take sides during and after a divorce. There are times when it is obvious that one parent or the other has created problems that a marriage cannot overcome such as physical or verbal abuse and drug or alcohol addiction. More often than not though, it is a combination of issues created by both parents that cause the divorce. Over time, what started out as small issues escalate to a point that neither spouse can overcome them. Then the marriage gets to a point where one or both spouses are no longer willing to try to fix the problems. Once a marriage has reached this point it is almost impossible for the couple to stay married.

This is usually when one spouse asks for a divorce. It is also the time when children most often start to take sides. It is usually the parent that asks for the divorce that is blamed by the children. Children see the parent that files for divorce as the one that gave up and the reason the family is breaking apart. Even though both spouses/parents contribute to the failure of the marriage, it is usually only one parent that gets blamed.

It is usually difficult for children to see the reality that both parents contribute to a divorce. My parents divorced when I was relatively young. At the time, I blamed my father for our family's problems. As I matured though, I came to realize that my mother also played a roll in those problems.

There are some issues that can and should be explained to children in an effort to help them understand the reasons that Mom and Dad are no longer together. However, there is a fine line that should not be crossed in this explanation. You should NEVER disparage your ex in explaining the reasons for your divorce. If you cannot provide an explanation without making your ex look bad, then, in my opinion, it is better to say nothing at all. In a few instances, you may need to speak out against your ex-spouse if they are telling your children inaccurate information or telling outright lies. Other than that, it is best to say little that would make your ex look bad.

It is difficult to have children blame you for a divorce. It puts a strain on any parent/child relationship. Most of the time though it is better to accept the blame, especially when children are young, than to try to defend yourself and your actions. As your children become adults, you can reveal more, but still, there is only so much they need to know. Your divorce is, or should be, a private issue between you and your ex. Love your children the best that you know how. Love is the most important thing that you can give them. Hopefully your children will come to see, just as I did, that it took two to make a marriage and it took two to break a marriage.

Forgive:
to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)
to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)

Do you know how to forgive?

Throughout our lives we will encounter people that hurt or offend us in any number of ways. And, inevitably we cannot make it through life without hurting or offending someone (intentionally or unintentionally). Have you learned how to forgive those that have hurt you? Have you learned to ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt? And, have you learned to forgive yourself for mistakes your have made?

In my younger life, I had very little forgiveness. I was more interested in revenge, getting back at those that had wronged me. As I have aged and hopefully grown wiser, revenge is no longer of much interest. I am much quicker to forgive...but not necessarily forget
.
I have found that forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about me. When I forgive, I stop carrying the burden of anger, blame, rage, hate, frustration, just to name a few negative feelings.

It is not easy to let go of the anger if we have been hurt. It is even harder to have to swallow our pride and ask for forgiveness if we have done something wrong. It always seems easier to hang on to our ill feelings or grudges, but it really isn't.

Learning to forgive was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. In fact, the first time I told someone that I forgave them, I didn't even believe it in my heart. Over time though, as I reminded myself that I had forgiven someone, my negative emotions faded away and future forgiveness became much easier. I started believing in the forgiveness I offered and asked for. By learning to forgive, you release yourself from the burden of any number of negative feelings and you are free to live a much happier life.

Finally, learning to forgive does not mean learning to forget. It is a mistake to forget the lessons we learn from being hurt or the mistakes of hurting others that we make. Remembering should help us learn not to allow people to intentionally hurt us or to purposely deceive us. Forgiveness does not mean you should become a pushover for anyone that doesn't have your best interest at heart!

By learning to forgive and leaving many of your negative feelings behind, you also become a much more attractive person for a potential mate. This is part of becoming a "better you."

I had a request this morning to write about moving on after you have lost the "one". How DO you get past the loss of an extraordinary relationship?

There is a grieving process that we all go through. I have linked to an article below that explains the basic process quite well. It is written focusing primarily on death and disease, but the process also applies to the ending of a special or extraordinary relationship.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

As this article states, the grieving process is different for everyone and the time it takes to grieve will also vary from person to person. One of the things I have learned over the years is that becoming social again is an important part of moving forward. When you have lost an extraordinary relationship, it is very difficult to move on. However, it is important to get out and be with people but not necessarily to date right away.

It makes us feel better when we are doing things for other people so becoming active in a charity might be a great help. Getting active at church may be a big help. Joining a singles group of some other group that focuses on a hobby you enjoy is a great way to socialize.

Shortly after the end of a relationship it is also easy to fall back into a relationship with an ex lover or even an ex spouse. As a friend so adeptly put it, "It is always easier to step back than it is to step forward." Falling back into the arms of an old lover is always easier than working on finding a new and extraordinary love. It doesn't take any work to move backward. It does, however, take effort to move forward. This is probably the hardest part of healing. We all want it to be easy and get past the hurt. Life doesn't work that way. It takes effort, and the more effort you put in to moving forward, the sooner you will find yourself with better emotional health. It isn't until you are emotionally healthy again that you have the possibility of being an extraordinary mate for someone else.

What kind of first impression are you making?

 Are you calm and confident? Or, are you nervous and unsettled? Are you being shy and quiet? Or, are you rambling on endlessly about your problems, your ex, or about what a great catch you are?

These are just a few of the types of first impressions that people can make. Why are first impressions important? Well, first of all, you only get one chance to make a first impression with someone. This is the impression or image that someone has of you that is usually lasting. Once we form an impression of someone, it is usually very hard to change. If we meet someone that leaves a poor first impression, we are not likely to want to associate with that person in the future. A good first impression is usually the difference between having just one conversation or date and having a lifetime of conversations and a deep personal relationship.

"So, how do I make a good impression?" you ask. This is a great question! There are a number of variables including physical appearance and personality types. However, there are some basic rules that apply to everyone.

1) Smile! Putting a smile on your face automatically makes you feel better regardless of what mood you are in. It also tends to put the people around you in a better mood too. Most people are more attractive when they smile.

2) Learn to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are those that cannot be answered with yes, no or a simple one word answer. For example; "Do you have children?" vs. "Tell me about your family." "Did you enjoy your childhood?" vs. "What are some of your favorite memories as a child?" "What to you do for a living?" vs. "What is the favorite part of your career?"

3) Learn to listen. After you learn to ask great questions, learn to listen. Listening means to hear what the other person has to say without focusing on your reply or your next question. By listening well, you will more than likely come up with better questions based on what the other person has said.

4) Make eye contact during your conversation both when you are speaking and when you are listening. It lets the other person know that you are paying attention to them. If your eyes are continually wandering around the room, the other person will feel like they are a distraction to you and soon lose interest in you. If you are continually looking down, they are going to get the impression that you may have self-esteem issues or lack self confidence.

5) Learn to give a firm hand shake. This applies to both men and women. Nothing radiates confidence like a firm hand shake. Nothing radiates wispiness or lack of confidence better than a weak hand shake. Men, you don't need to use a bone crushing handshake either. If you feel you need to show dominance, do it with your intellect and not physical strength.

These are just a few key points to help you make a good first impression. There are many others but this should be a good starting point for most people. If you have questions, feel free to write to us on Facebook, on our blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/, or at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Gentlemen, here are some dating tips for dating a much more successful woman. They are pretty much universal to any dating situation but a couple do specifically apply to "dating up".

1) Be yourself! Don't try to be someone you are not. She wants to know who YOU are, not who you are pretending to be. She will figure you out eventually. Build your relationship on the truth and it will take you much farther.

2) Don't expect her to pay...especially on the first date! If you invite her out, expect to pick up the check. Always offer to pay at least your fair share whether it's for dinner out or groceries for an evening in.

3) Learn to listen. A relationship is not all about you. Ask her how her day was and be truly interested in what she has to say. If you don't understand what she tells you, ask her to explain. Women love when their man takes an interest in what they do, especially if she is successful at it.

4) If she is successful, she probably has a strong personality. Don't be intimidated by a strong woman. They want to be in a relationship of equals...at least in personality. Often, away from work, they are just like any other woman. They want to be loved and cared for just like anyone else.

5) If she is more financially successful, don't be intimidated by her income! Often times men will walk away from a woman that earns more money because he thinks he should be the bread winner in the relationship. Just as important, don't take advantage of her income. She wants to be with a mate, not a mooch!

6) Continue to improve yourself both financially and intellectually. Successful women want to be with someone that has the potential for success. (Your success does not necessarily need to match hers success.) They also enjoy a relationship with someone that continues to learn and can challenge her intellectually. I cannot tell you how many times I have had successful women tell me they want a deep thinker, not just someone that is superficial. You need to be able to talk about something other than yourself and sports.

7) Have goals for your life. They should include both personal and work/financial goals. Not only do successful women want to see that you have potential for success, but they want to know that you have a plan to achieve your goals. Again, you do not necessarily have to try to match her financial success, but be successful at what ever it is you do.

8) Make your relationship all about her. She wants your attention and focus when you are out for the evening or home just watching a movie. Her focus will be all about you especially if you are in an extraordinary relationship.

9) Do special things for her. If you can afford a bouquet of flowers, great. If not, get her a single rose. Give her a card or hand written note from time to time. Make plans to do something with her. Don't let her do all the planning for an evening out. Its not the quantity, but the quality of time and the thought that goes into it whatever you do for her.

10) Always, always, always be a gentleman. Always treat her with dignity and respect. She should NEVER have to open a door when you are with her. She should always be seated first. She should always be served first. If you don't know what it means to be a gentleman then seek out someone that can teach you. Great manners will show your love and respect for her.

For more information check out our website at luv4alifetime.com or contact us at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Have you ever had a soul mate?

This is a question I have been asked many times over the past couple of years. Both Penny and I have had soul mate relationships. In some respects they were very similar and yet in other respects they were very different just as they will be, or are, for each of you. Because we are all different, have different wants, needs, and desires, our soul mate relationshi...ps are going to be different.

There are some common threads to all soul mate relationships though. It has to do mostly with feelings and emotions. You and your mate will share an unconditional love. With this love, you give unconditionally to your mate with no expectation of anything in return and they do the same for you. Beyond the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical connections, you will typically speak the same love languages. (If you haven't read The Five Love Languages, go out and get it this weekend and read it...after you read our book, of course! LOL) Your level of communication is greater than anything you have ever experienced. As we stated in a recent post, there is just no one else you want to spend your time with!

You and your soul mate will be whole, complete, and happy people individually. But together, you are more than whole! What you can achieve together is far greater than what you can achieve alone. Achievements or accomplishments by one mate brings joy, happiness, and pride among other feelings to the other mate. There is no jealousy of each other, just shared pride and encouragement.

All of what is written here just barely scratches the surface of what a soul mate connection is like. I have found that only those that have experienced this connection can truly relate to what I am trying to convey. Every person that we have talked to that is in or has had a soul mate relationship will tell you that they have never felt so much joy and peace in their entire life as they have with that one special person.

As always, we hope that if you are seeking your soul mate that you will not settle for less than extraordinary. We are here to help and guide you in your search. If you have personal questions, please contact us at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Are you emotionally available for a new relationship?

 One of the "issues" we have come across both personally and in conversations with hundreds of people is the subject of emotional availability. We all know of people (usually men...but not always) that, shortly after being divorced, will jump into another relationship and end up married very quickly. This sometimes happens with widowers also.  Often times, these relationships don't last because not enough time was taken to emotionally recover.

You have to give yourself time to heal from a past relationship. It's okay to date, but you shouldn't jump into a serious relationship. The time needed to heal and regain your emotional footing varies from person to person. As a general rule, you should not consider getting into a serious relationship for at least a year after the end of a long-term relationship or divorce. The healing time for widows/widowers is usually 3 to 5 years.

Infatuation blinds us to some of the realities of a new relationship. Months after we have committed to a long-term relationship (or even marriage), we "awaken" from the infatuation and wonder "What the heck have I done?" We have to learn to periodically step out of infatuation to be able to take a serious look at the relationship we are in. If it doesn't look or feel right, it probably isn't. If you aren't sure, ask your family or closest friends for their input. They will usually see relationship issues that you cannot or choose not to see.

How do I know if I'm emotionally available? Great question; glad you asked! There are many clues or queues that can indicate you are ready to move on to a new relationship. First and foremost, you are over your ex. They no longer consume a significant part of your conscious thought. They are not a continuous topic of your discussions. Your emotions are neutral in regard to your ex. The mere mention of their name doesn't send you into orbit around a planet in another galaxy! You are comfortable with yourself and it is okay to be alone. If you are widowed, you no longer wear your wedding ring. You have gotten rid of you spouses belongings. Your late spouse is not the subject of most of your thoughts and conversations. You are not comparing your late spouse to anyone you date. These are but a few of the major indicators that you may be ready to move on. There will also come a point in time when it just feels right to date again.

It is a process to get to the point that you are ready to date seriously. Don't rush it. Don't force it. The right time will come. In the mean time, enjoy the journey and enjoy the people you meet along the way.

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?

Why is it that most men will not open a door for a woman? Why is that most women don't expect to have the door opened for them? Why does it seem easier to lie about something than to tell the truth? Why are we so worried about what others think about us? These are questions I have been pondering for some time.

It seems that as a society we have lost respect for ourselves and each other. Boys are no longer taught to be gentlemen. Girls are no longer taught to be ladies. It is easier to lie because we either don't want to hurt someone's feelings or we want to make ourselves appear to be better, smarter, more important than we are.

I believe that In most cases we have lost our personal integrity. There was a time when your integrity was the most important thing you had to offer another person. Today, with few exceptions, integrity seems to be a thing of the past. Reputations today seem to be of little importance. Simply watching a couple hours of TV will prove that. It doesn't make any difference whether you are watching politicians, your favorite actors or reality TV stars. Everyone is out for their 15 minutes of fame.

This attitude also carries over to our relationships. Our self-centeredness is helping to destroy the integrity of our relationships. Our attitude of "what's in it for me?" will keep any relationship from growing and maturing. Instead, our attitudes should be turning outward. We should be asking "What can I do for you?"

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."
John F. Kennedy's Inaugural Address, January 20, 1961

Work on doing the right things. Focus your efforts outward instead of inward and watch how your relationships will change for the better.

My life has changed. I never expected to be in this position at this stage of my life!

 Have you ever said those words or thought them to yourself? I think most of us have. Being single again after many years of marriage can leave you wondering "how could this have happened to me?" It doesn't make any difference what the reason is, whether you lost your spouse to death or divorce or a long-ter...m relationship ended, you are faced with a whole new set of circumstances, emotions, and decisions.

As a former financial advisor, I have found it prudent to not make any important decisions in the heat of the moment. In most cases, there is no reason to make any long-term decisions, particularly financial, for at least a year of so. It takes that long for most of us to start regaining our emotional footing especially after a spouse has died.

The emotions of being alone again can vary greatly from relief, to anger, to hate, to loneliness, to deep depression just to name a few. One of the most important things to understand is that your emotions have meaning. They are telling you something...something you need to pay attention to. You need to experience these emotions for a reason and that is to heal. If you don't let your emotions out, or if you stuff them deep down inside, trying to be strong for others, you will end up doing more damage to yourself than good. Pent up emotions will manifest themselves in a myriad of ways and most of them are very unhealthy.

Experiencing emotions is important, but prolonged sadness or grief is not healthy either. If you find that you are unable to eventually get past any negative emotions, you may need to seek professional counseling. Good counselors will help you figure out the underlying cause of your grief, help you work through it and help you get back on track emotionally. There is no shame in seeking outside help.

After the loss of a relationship, allow yourself the time to heal emotionally. Don't date too quickly after a death, divorce, or break-up. Learn to be alone and be comfortable with your alone time. Do not dwell on your loss but be thankful for what you have and maybe even for the good parts of what you had in you past relationship/marriage.

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