How do you regain trust once it has been lost?

I have been pondering this question for a couple of weeks after I had a conversation with a friend about her boyfriend that cheated on her. I'm not sure I have a great answer today. There are a lot of variables to consider.

We all trust in different ways. Some of us start trusting another person the moment we meet them. I am one of these people.  I will take you at face value and trust you until you do something to violate my trust. Others are very cautious and you have to prove yourself to be trustworthy. It is only over time that you can earn your trust through your words and actions.

When trust is broken, it is because someone has done something that has violated our rules, expectations, promises made, etc. There can be varying degrees of broken trust. It can be as simple as being late for dinner after promising to be on time or it can be much more serious such as cheating on your mate.

How do you regain trust? It is not easy and trust may never be regained depending on the seriousness of the issue. Regaining trust after being late for dinner can usually be accomplished in a short period of time by being where you promise to be at the specified time. However, regaining trust after cheating on your mate is much more serious and will take significantly more time to recover, if at all.

When a serious breach of trust has occurred, it may be impossible to fully regain the original level of trust. It may take years to regain a reasonable amount of trust. If you have violated someone's trust, you need to expect to be "watched" for an indefinite amount of time. You will need to prove yourself worthy of being trusted again over and over and over. And for some, once their trust has been violated, you will never be able to regain it!

From a relationship standpoint, if your trust is violated, are you willing to forgive or is it time to move on?

If you violate someone's trust, do you deserve to be trusted again and what are you willing to do to become trustworthy again?

I can only speak for myself on this issue. There are times that I have forgiven too quickly and had my trust violated again. At other times, I have not forgiven quickly enough or been too judgmental and lost what were once good friendships. It is a fine line either way. Being overly trusting can bring undue hurt. Not trusting enough can restrict or even prevent extraordinary relationships from even happening.

How do you handle trust issues? Let us hear from you.

Can you communicate with your ex in a civil manner?
 

After a divorce, you almost always need to communicate with your ex. It could be about children, money, bills, or any number of other things. Are you able to communicate effectively and civilly? While this may seem like a very simple question, it is one that takes some serious thought.

I had the opportunity to speak with my ex recently. The conversation was very civil and even cordial. However, it took quite a bit of will power on my part to keep it that way. After only a few short minutes, I quickly recognized the communication patterns of our past. It would have been very easy to fall back into our old "learned" routine of raising voices and lashing out at each other.

There are several components of communication that can either make or break a conversation. Your tone of voice, the content or words you use and even facial expressions impact the way a conversation proceeds. Negative tones in your voice or inflection, negative or sarcastic words, and frowns and rolling of the eyes can cause a conversation to deteriorate very quickly.

The opposite is also true. A positive tone of voice, positive words and a neutral or happy face can keep a conversation from spiraling downward out of control. In fact, just the act of putting a smile on your face, whether you mean it or not, will change your tone of voice and attitude...even when you are just talking on the phone. People can "hear" a smile. It is virtually impossible to portray a negative tone in you voice when you are smiling!

Not every conversation you are going to have is going to be easy. If your ex-spouse cannot or will not control their emotions, words and facial expressions, don't fall into the trap of fanning the flames of a new argument by losing your self-control. Learn to recognize your "learned" behaviors and reactions to your ex and work at not falling back into those past behaviors. It will make life much easier for everyone involved.

Have you found your soul mate? Not so fast...maybe not!
 

You have just found the person you feel deep in your heart is your soul mate. He likes the same food you do. She likes to watch sports. He enjoys shopping with you. She enjoys helping you wash the car. And on and on it goes. You both like the same things, have the same views on most topics and all is well with the world.

You start to get comfortable with each other. Then something starts to happen. He doesn't like your lipstick. She doesn't laugh at your jokes anymore. He wants you to change the way you dress. She doesn't want you to hang out with your friends anymore. These changes may be subtle at first and you may even agree to make some of these changes. But, over time, the demands for change become ever increasing and unending. You are at a point where you may have even been alienated from your friends and family. You now realize that your mate is very controlling and jealous. Your soul mate turns out to be your mate from hell!

We can chuckle at the thought of these things happening and say it will never happen to me. However, these relationship issues happen all the time. If we are not vigilant, we can get sucked into these relationships that are the equivalent of a black hole in space. They suck the light and life out of everyone around them. At best they are unhealthy co-dependent relationships. You may even be with someone that needs serious professional help.

If you stay long enough, you may even need professional help to unwind yourself from the many lies you have come to believe. What lies? Here are just a few. "You will never be anything without me." "You are not good enough to make it on your own." "Nobody wants to be with someone like you!" "I can be with someone better than you by the end of the day." "You will never find anyone that treats you as well as I do." And the list goes on and on. Have you ever heard these? Heard often enough, they can become very believable.

It is often easy for people on the outside of this type of relationship to see that it is unhealthy. However, it is far more difficult to see how destructive these relationships are when you are on the inside. This is one of the many reasons we encourage you to write down all your Must Haves and Deal Breakers. When you are in the midst of a new relationship (usually the first 12 to 24 months) and wrapped in infatuation, it is often difficult to recognize any of the warning signs. By having your list written down, you can refer back to it on a regular basis and see if your mate is meeting YOUR needs. The lists will help you step back from the infatuation, if only for a short period of time, to honestly evaluate your relationship.

It is wonderful to think we have found our soul mate after only a few conversations and a couple of dates. It takes time to get to know someone and it often takes several months to get to see their real personality. Take your time in getting to know someone. Don't make huge emotional and financial commitments too quickly. It's okay to have an open mind and open heart but you also need to be smart and watch for red flags.

Have your children taken sides after your divorce?

It is not uncommon for children, including adult children, to take sides during and after a divorce. There are times when it is obvious that one parent or the other has created problems that a marriage cannot overcome such as physical or verbal abuse and drug or alcohol addiction. More often than not though, it is a combination of issues created by both parents that cause the divorce. Over time, what started out as small issues escalate to a point that neither spouse can overcome them. Then the marriage gets to a point where one or both spouses are no longer willing to try to fix the problems. Once a marriage has reached this point it is almost impossible for the couple to stay married.

This is usually when one spouse asks for a divorce. It is also the time when children most often start to take sides. It is usually the parent that asks for the divorce that is blamed by the children. Children see the parent that files for divorce as the one that gave up and the reason the family is breaking apart. Even though both spouses/parents contribute to the failure of the marriage, it is usually only one parent that gets blamed.

It is usually difficult for children to see the reality that both parents contribute to a divorce. My parents divorced when I was relatively young. At the time, I blamed my father for our family's problems. As I matured though, I came to realize that my mother also played a roll in those problems.

There are some issues that can and should be explained to children in an effort to help them understand the reasons that Mom and Dad are no longer together. However, there is a fine line that should not be crossed in this explanation. You should NEVER disparage your ex in explaining the reasons for your divorce. If you cannot provide an explanation without making your ex look bad, then, in my opinion, it is better to say nothing at all. In a few instances, you may need to speak out against your ex-spouse if they are telling your children inaccurate information or telling outright lies. Other than that, it is best to say little that would make your ex look bad.

It is difficult to have children blame you for a divorce. It puts a strain on any parent/child relationship. Most of the time though it is better to accept the blame, especially when children are young, than to try to defend yourself and your actions. As your children become adults, you can reveal more, but still, there is only so much they need to know. Your divorce is, or should be, a private issue between you and your ex. Love your children the best that you know how. Love is the most important thing that you can give them. Hopefully your children will come to see, just as I did, that it took two to make a marriage and it took two to break a marriage.

Forgive:
to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)
to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)

Do you know how to forgive?

Throughout our lives we will encounter people that hurt or offend us in any number of ways. And, inevitably we cannot make it through life without hurting or offending someone (intentionally or unintentionally). Have you learned how to forgive those that have hurt you? Have you learned to ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt? And, have you learned to forgive yourself for mistakes your have made?

In my younger life, I had very little forgiveness. I was more interested in revenge, getting back at those that had wronged me. As I have aged and hopefully grown wiser, revenge is no longer of much interest. I am much quicker to forgive...but not necessarily forget
.
I have found that forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about me. When I forgive, I stop carrying the burden of anger, blame, rage, hate, frustration, just to name a few negative feelings.

It is not easy to let go of the anger if we have been hurt. It is even harder to have to swallow our pride and ask for forgiveness if we have done something wrong. It always seems easier to hang on to our ill feelings or grudges, but it really isn't.

Learning to forgive was one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. In fact, the first time I told someone that I forgave them, I didn't even believe it in my heart. Over time though, as I reminded myself that I had forgiven someone, my negative emotions faded away and future forgiveness became much easier. I started believing in the forgiveness I offered and asked for. By learning to forgive, you release yourself from the burden of any number of negative feelings and you are free to live a much happier life.

Finally, learning to forgive does not mean learning to forget. It is a mistake to forget the lessons we learn from being hurt or the mistakes of hurting others that we make. Remembering should help us learn not to allow people to intentionally hurt us or to purposely deceive us. Forgiveness does not mean you should become a pushover for anyone that doesn't have your best interest at heart!

By learning to forgive and leaving many of your negative feelings behind, you also become a much more attractive person for a potential mate. This is part of becoming a "better you."

I had a request this morning to write about moving on after you have lost the "one". How DO you get past the loss of an extraordinary relationship?

There is a grieving process that we all go through. I have linked to an article below that explains the basic process quite well. It is written focusing primarily on death and disease, but the process also applies to the ending of a special or extraordinary relationship.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

As this article states, the grieving process is different for everyone and the time it takes to grieve will also vary from person to person. One of the things I have learned over the years is that becoming social again is an important part of moving forward. When you have lost an extraordinary relationship, it is very difficult to move on. However, it is important to get out and be with people but not necessarily to date right away.

It makes us feel better when we are doing things for other people so becoming active in a charity might be a great help. Getting active at church may be a big help. Joining a singles group of some other group that focuses on a hobby you enjoy is a great way to socialize.

Shortly after the end of a relationship it is also easy to fall back into a relationship with an ex lover or even an ex spouse. As a friend so adeptly put it, "It is always easier to step back than it is to step forward." Falling back into the arms of an old lover is always easier than working on finding a new and extraordinary love. It doesn't take any work to move backward. It does, however, take effort to move forward. This is probably the hardest part of healing. We all want it to be easy and get past the hurt. Life doesn't work that way. It takes effort, and the more effort you put in to moving forward, the sooner you will find yourself with better emotional health. It isn't until you are emotionally healthy again that you have the possibility of being an extraordinary mate for someone else.

What kind of first impression are you making?

 Are you calm and confident? Or, are you nervous and unsettled? Are you being shy and quiet? Or, are you rambling on endlessly about your problems, your ex, or about what a great catch you are?

These are just a few of the types of first impressions that people can make. Why are first impressions important? Well, first of all, you only get one chance to make a first impression with someone. This is the impression or image that someone has of you that is usually lasting. Once we form an impression of someone, it is usually very hard to change. If we meet someone that leaves a poor first impression, we are not likely to want to associate with that person in the future. A good first impression is usually the difference between having just one conversation or date and having a lifetime of conversations and a deep personal relationship.

"So, how do I make a good impression?" you ask. This is a great question! There are a number of variables including physical appearance and personality types. However, there are some basic rules that apply to everyone.

1) Smile! Putting a smile on your face automatically makes you feel better regardless of what mood you are in. It also tends to put the people around you in a better mood too. Most people are more attractive when they smile.

2) Learn to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are those that cannot be answered with yes, no or a simple one word answer. For example; "Do you have children?" vs. "Tell me about your family." "Did you enjoy your childhood?" vs. "What are some of your favorite memories as a child?" "What to you do for a living?" vs. "What is the favorite part of your career?"

3) Learn to listen. After you learn to ask great questions, learn to listen. Listening means to hear what the other person has to say without focusing on your reply or your next question. By listening well, you will more than likely come up with better questions based on what the other person has said.

4) Make eye contact during your conversation both when you are speaking and when you are listening. It lets the other person know that you are paying attention to them. If your eyes are continually wandering around the room, the other person will feel like they are a distraction to you and soon lose interest in you. If you are continually looking down, they are going to get the impression that you may have self-esteem issues or lack self confidence.

5) Learn to give a firm hand shake. This applies to both men and women. Nothing radiates confidence like a firm hand shake. Nothing radiates wispiness or lack of confidence better than a weak hand shake. Men, you don't need to use a bone crushing handshake either. If you feel you need to show dominance, do it with your intellect and not physical strength.

These are just a few key points to help you make a good first impression. There are many others but this should be a good starting point for most people. If you have questions, feel free to write to us on Facebook, on our blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/, or at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Gentlemen, here are some dating tips for dating a much more successful woman. They are pretty much universal to any dating situation but a couple do specifically apply to "dating up".

1) Be yourself! Don't try to be someone you are not. She wants to know who YOU are, not who you are pretending to be. She will figure you out eventually. Build your relationship on the truth and it will take you much farther.

2) Don't expect her to pay...especially on the first date! If you invite her out, expect to pick up the check. Always offer to pay at least your fair share whether it's for dinner out or groceries for an evening in.

3) Learn to listen. A relationship is not all about you. Ask her how her day was and be truly interested in what she has to say. If you don't understand what she tells you, ask her to explain. Women love when their man takes an interest in what they do, especially if she is successful at it.

4) If she is successful, she probably has a strong personality. Don't be intimidated by a strong woman. They want to be in a relationship of equals...at least in personality. Often, away from work, they are just like any other woman. They want to be loved and cared for just like anyone else.

5) If she is more financially successful, don't be intimidated by her income! Often times men will walk away from a woman that earns more money because he thinks he should be the bread winner in the relationship. Just as important, don't take advantage of her income. She wants to be with a mate, not a mooch!

6) Continue to improve yourself both financially and intellectually. Successful women want to be with someone that has the potential for success. (Your success does not necessarily need to match hers success.) They also enjoy a relationship with someone that continues to learn and can challenge her intellectually. I cannot tell you how many times I have had successful women tell me they want a deep thinker, not just someone that is superficial. You need to be able to talk about something other than yourself and sports.

7) Have goals for your life. They should include both personal and work/financial goals. Not only do successful women want to see that you have potential for success, but they want to know that you have a plan to achieve your goals. Again, you do not necessarily have to try to match her financial success, but be successful at what ever it is you do.

8) Make your relationship all about her. She wants your attention and focus when you are out for the evening or home just watching a movie. Her focus will be all about you especially if you are in an extraordinary relationship.

9) Do special things for her. If you can afford a bouquet of flowers, great. If not, get her a single rose. Give her a card or hand written note from time to time. Make plans to do something with her. Don't let her do all the planning for an evening out. Its not the quantity, but the quality of time and the thought that goes into it whatever you do for her.

10) Always, always, always be a gentleman. Always treat her with dignity and respect. She should NEVER have to open a door when you are with her. She should always be seated first. She should always be served first. If you don't know what it means to be a gentleman then seek out someone that can teach you. Great manners will show your love and respect for her.

For more information check out our website at luv4alifetime.com or contact us at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Have you ever had a soul mate?

This is a question I have been asked many times over the past couple of years. Both Penny and I have had soul mate relationships. In some respects they were very similar and yet in other respects they were very different just as they will be, or are, for each of you. Because we are all different, have different wants, needs, and desires, our soul mate relationshi...ps are going to be different.

There are some common threads to all soul mate relationships though. It has to do mostly with feelings and emotions. You and your mate will share an unconditional love. With this love, you give unconditionally to your mate with no expectation of anything in return and they do the same for you. Beyond the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical connections, you will typically speak the same love languages. (If you haven't read The Five Love Languages, go out and get it this weekend and read it...after you read our book, of course! LOL) Your level of communication is greater than anything you have ever experienced. As we stated in a recent post, there is just no one else you want to spend your time with!

You and your soul mate will be whole, complete, and happy people individually. But together, you are more than whole! What you can achieve together is far greater than what you can achieve alone. Achievements or accomplishments by one mate brings joy, happiness, and pride among other feelings to the other mate. There is no jealousy of each other, just shared pride and encouragement.

All of what is written here just barely scratches the surface of what a soul mate connection is like. I have found that only those that have experienced this connection can truly relate to what I am trying to convey. Every person that we have talked to that is in or has had a soul mate relationship will tell you that they have never felt so much joy and peace in their entire life as they have with that one special person.

As always, we hope that if you are seeking your soul mate that you will not settle for less than extraordinary. We are here to help and guide you in your search. If you have personal questions, please contact us at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Are you emotionally available for a new relationship?

 One of the "issues" we have come across both personally and in conversations with hundreds of people is the subject of emotional availability. We all know of people (usually men...but not always) that, shortly after being divorced, will jump into another relationship and end up married very quickly. This sometimes happens with widowers also.  Often times, these relationships don't last because not enough time was taken to emotionally recover.

You have to give yourself time to heal from a past relationship. It's okay to date, but you shouldn't jump into a serious relationship. The time needed to heal and regain your emotional footing varies from person to person. As a general rule, you should not consider getting into a serious relationship for at least a year after the end of a long-term relationship or divorce. The healing time for widows/widowers is usually 3 to 5 years.

Infatuation blinds us to some of the realities of a new relationship. Months after we have committed to a long-term relationship (or even marriage), we "awaken" from the infatuation and wonder "What the heck have I done?" We have to learn to periodically step out of infatuation to be able to take a serious look at the relationship we are in. If it doesn't look or feel right, it probably isn't. If you aren't sure, ask your family or closest friends for their input. They will usually see relationship issues that you cannot or choose not to see.

How do I know if I'm emotionally available? Great question; glad you asked! There are many clues or queues that can indicate you are ready to move on to a new relationship. First and foremost, you are over your ex. They no longer consume a significant part of your conscious thought. They are not a continuous topic of your discussions. Your emotions are neutral in regard to your ex. The mere mention of their name doesn't send you into orbit around a planet in another galaxy! You are comfortable with yourself and it is okay to be alone. If you are widowed, you no longer wear your wedding ring. You have gotten rid of you spouses belongings. Your late spouse is not the subject of most of your thoughts and conversations. You are not comparing your late spouse to anyone you date. These are but a few of the major indicators that you may be ready to move on. There will also come a point in time when it just feels right to date again.

It is a process to get to the point that you are ready to date seriously. Don't rush it. Don't force it. The right time will come. In the mean time, enjoy the journey and enjoy the people you meet along the way.

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?

Why is it that most men will not open a door for a woman? Why is that most women don't expect to have the door opened for them? Why does it seem easier to lie about something than to tell the truth? Why are we so worried about what others think about us? These are questions I have been pondering for some time.

It seems that as a society we have lost respect for ourselves and each other. Boys are no longer taught to be gentlemen. Girls are no longer taught to be ladies. It is easier to lie because we either don't want to hurt someone's feelings or we want to make ourselves appear to be better, smarter, more important than we are.

I believe that In most cases we have lost our personal integrity. There was a time when your integrity was the most important thing you had to offer another person. Today, with few exceptions, integrity seems to be a thing of the past. Reputations today seem to be of little importance. Simply watching a couple hours of TV will prove that. It doesn't make any difference whether you are watching politicians, your favorite actors or reality TV stars. Everyone is out for their 15 minutes of fame.

This attitude also carries over to our relationships. Our self-centeredness is helping to destroy the integrity of our relationships. Our attitude of "what's in it for me?" will keep any relationship from growing and maturing. Instead, our attitudes should be turning outward. We should be asking "What can I do for you?"

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."
John F. Kennedy's Inaugural Address, January 20, 1961

Work on doing the right things. Focus your efforts outward instead of inward and watch how your relationships will change for the better.

My life has changed. I never expected to be in this position at this stage of my life!

 Have you ever said those words or thought them to yourself? I think most of us have. Being single again after many years of marriage can leave you wondering "how could this have happened to me?" It doesn't make any difference what the reason is, whether you lost your spouse to death or divorce or a long-ter...m relationship ended, you are faced with a whole new set of circumstances, emotions, and decisions.

As a former financial advisor, I have found it prudent to not make any important decisions in the heat of the moment. In most cases, there is no reason to make any long-term decisions, particularly financial, for at least a year of so. It takes that long for most of us to start regaining our emotional footing especially after a spouse has died.

The emotions of being alone again can vary greatly from relief, to anger, to hate, to loneliness, to deep depression just to name a few. One of the most important things to understand is that your emotions have meaning. They are telling you something...something you need to pay attention to. You need to experience these emotions for a reason and that is to heal. If you don't let your emotions out, or if you stuff them deep down inside, trying to be strong for others, you will end up doing more damage to yourself than good. Pent up emotions will manifest themselves in a myriad of ways and most of them are very unhealthy.

Experiencing emotions is important, but prolonged sadness or grief is not healthy either. If you find that you are unable to eventually get past any negative emotions, you may need to seek professional counseling. Good counselors will help you figure out the underlying cause of your grief, help you work through it and help you get back on track emotionally. There is no shame in seeking outside help.

After the loss of a relationship, allow yourself the time to heal emotionally. Don't date too quickly after a death, divorce, or break-up. Learn to be alone and be comfortable with your alone time. Do not dwell on your loss but be thankful for what you have and maybe even for the good parts of what you had in you past relationship/marriage.

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Are you open to new experiences and new adventures?

 When we were young, almost everything was new and exciting. As we grow older, we settled into a "normal" routine. More often than not we go through our lives doing the same thing day in and day out. Our lives are just fine and we are comfortable with our daily routine.

Over the years we have talked to many people that have been single for 10..., 15, even 30+ years after a divorce or death of a spouse. They have become settled in their ways and, while they my say they desire to be in a relationship, they do little to open themselves up to the changes that come with that relationship.

Change is difficult for most of us. We get comfortable with our lives. Our basic philosophy is "don't rock the boat. I'm happy with my life." The slightest change in our daily routines can throw us off balance. I think of the highway detour that interrupts our daily routine or unexpectedly changes our travel plans and how that becomes inconvenient and unwanted. Instead we should be looking at it as a new adventure and an opportunity to see a different landscape, different neighborhoods, or a new business that you didn't know existed.

When something or someone comes along that can change your routine, are you open for change? Are up for a new experience? Are you open for a new adventure? Are you open to trying a new activity like skiing, sailing, horseback riding, antiquing, or just relaxing on a beach? If you are actively looking for a new relationship, you have to be open to changing your routine. If your relationship becomes permanent, you have to be prepared to share your closet space, have someone else's toothbrush in your toothbrush holder, and be able to share time in the kitchen. If you are not open to sharing your space, trying new activities, and changing your routine, odds are you are going to have a tough time adapting to a new relationship.

On the other hand, if you welcome these changes, you will be well on your way to giving a new relationship a much greater chance for success. Be open to all the possibilities that a new relationship can bring. Welcome the opportunities and new adventures that change can bring. And...it wouldn't hurt to have some room in your closet and your garage for someone else's stuff...just in case!

What are you looking for in your next relationship?

 We have written about finding an extraordinary mate, deciding on what type of relationship you want (casual or permanent), making your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists, emotional maturity, and codependency. But, what is it that you are really looking for?

I believe that we all are looking for that special feeling, that extraordinary connection... with another person. We want that feeling of knowing we are loved unconditionally. We want that connection that makes our hearts flutter when we walk in the room and see our mate! We want the comfort of knowing we are free to be who we are without judgment and criticism. We want to have that comfort and calming when we hear our mates voice on the phone and they call just to say "Hi, how are you doing?" We want the passion of a lover that is so in tune to us that they almost instinctively know what we think, need, or want.

This connection exists for many people. It is a connection that we can try to describe all day long, but there are never enough words or the right words to describe this feeling. It is a feeling that transcends description. Some people have had this level of intimate connection and lost it for any number of reasons and we happy to know that they are seeking it again.

Sadly, many people have never experienced a connection this deep in any relationship they have had. They may not believe that it even exists. I feel for those that have never experienced the joy and happiness that is available in such a relationship even for the shortest amount of time. It is a feeling, a connection, a love that is so incredible that once you have experienced it, you will never settle for anything less. If you haven't experienced it, we are here to assure that it does exist. We hope that you will be patient in your search and not settle for anything less than extraordinary.

Imagination and reality. Which world do you live in?
Imagination can be a wonderful thing. Without it we wouldn't have any of the great inventions that have made life so convenient in the past 100 years. Imagination, though, can create problems when it comes to relationships.

We can all imagine the perfect relationship. Your mate is the perfect man...your knight in shining armor. Or, she is... the queen of your world and you place her high on a pedestal. In her perfect world, his clothes all end up in the dirty clothes hamper, the seat on the toilet is always left down, and you get help with cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. In his perfect world, she cooks and cleans, takes care of the kids, does laundry, and lets you control the TV all night!

We can all wish we had these perfect mates that we create in our imagination. The reality is that there is no perfect relationship! They ALL take work and co-operation. We ALL need to make an effort to make our relationships great. The best relationships are always a work in progress. Now, this doesn't mean you have to settle for less than extraordinary. It does mean that even being with your soul mate, you still have to work at it...it's just that the work is much more pleasurable.

Think of your relationship from this perspective. What are you willing to do for your mate to make him/her happy? Think about what you are willing to do not just occasionally, but everyday, day in and day out. These things don't need to be big things. Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference. And DON'T keep score! Do things for your mate because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Keeping score is a great way to put a wedge in your relationship.

Everything you do for your mate should be out of love, caring, concern, and respect. Living in the real world can be at least as pleasurable, if not more so, than living in an imaginary world.

Do you devote time to being a better you?  Part II

Yesterday we talked about becoming a better intellectual you by spending some time reading books and studying subjects that interest you.  Today, lets talk about the physical you.  Let me preface this section by saying that today, I am talking to myself as much as anyone else.

What do you do to maintain your physical self?  In my mind, there are two parts to taking care of yourself physically.  The first part is being physically healthy, going to the doctor on a regular basis, making sure that everything is in good working order, and when its not, making sure you get the medical attention you need.  When you pay attention to your physical health you will, in general, just feel better.  By paying attention to your health, you will typically recognize when something is not right more quickly that if you ignore warning signs.

Of course, there are going to be diseases that some of us will acquire that are can be debilitating and even fatal.  The best we can do is follow the advice of our doctors to make the remaining time we have as fulfilling as possible.

One important consideration with your physical health is to be open and honest with your mate (or potential mate) about any conditions you may have.  These are important conversations to have because in some cases, your mate may need to become a care giver.  If your mate is not up for this task, you will need to seek other alternatives for regular care.  These are important conversations to have even if you are currently healthy and they become more important as you age.  Understanding what your mate will and will not (or cannot) do is important for planning your future care.

The second part of this is being physically fit.  Physical fitness does not necessarily mean that you are going to be working out in a gym 5 to 7 days a week or training for a triathlon.  It does mean getting out of bed a little earlier in the morning and exercising whether it is doing some weight training, going for a brisk walk, run, a bike ride or other activity.  Or, it could mean not settling into your favorite chair or the couch in the evening.  Instead, get up and move.  The same workouts mentioned above can be done in the evening.  It just depends on your schedule and your preference.  If you need some additional motivation, workout with your mate, a friend, or hire a trainer to make yourself move.

We all want to look better and feel better physically.  This doesn't just happen by it's self.  The hardest part of any physical activity is getting started.  Once you get moving, it is easier to stay moving.  There are a couple of side benefits to being in better physical condition.  First and foremost, better physical fitness generally leads to better physical health.  Second, better physical fitness can lead to better self-esteem.  Third, better physical fitness can lead to better relationships especially if you can encourage each other to remain physically fit.

It is always important to check with your physician before starting an exercise and/or weight loss program.

Do you devote time to being a better you?

When I finished college about 35 years ago, I assumed that I was pretty much done learning.  I knew that there were specific tasks that I would have to learn for any particular job that I would have, but I always thought that learning pretty much ended when we graduated high school or college depending on what educational path you chose to follow.  About 15 years ago I realized that I was still learning...mostly about myself, but I was still learning.  More recently I have come to realize that learning is a never ending process, or at least is should be.

One of the greatest gifts I have given myself is the realization that I am flawed.  With that realization came my desire to try to be a better father (I'm a work in progress...still working on this one), a better husband (that one didn't work out quite the way I had planned), and a better man.  Over the past 20 years I have learned a significant amount about human nature and the issues we all face in life.  Rarely are the issues we face easy to deal with or easy to change.  However, with time, I have learned to more easily recognize issues that I have to deal with and to make the necessary changes.

Knowing the latest sports scores or what's happening with your favorite Hollywood actor is okay, but very superficial.  Take some time to learn about something that is of interest to you other than the purely superficial.  If you don't know what might interest you, pick up a book (not a magazine) and start reading.  Keep trying books on different subjects until you find some that interest you.  You don't have to spend a lot of money on books.  The library is full of books you can read for free. E-books can also be a very inexpensive way to acquire books.  You don't have time to read?  Really?  How about turning off the latest episode of American Idol, Survivor, The Bachelorette, or any other relatively meaningless TV show you might watch and spend that hour reading?  Now, for those of you screaming at me that most of what you watch on TV is a way to relax or go brain-dead for the evening, relax.  Brain-dead is okay to a point.  However, try to fill a little part of your free time with something that is intellectually stimulating.

By reading just 5 or 6 books a year you can become a much more interesting and well rounded person.  This makes you more attractive to a potential mate because you are better able to carry on a conversation about something other than sports or reality TV.

Let us know what some of your favorite books are.