Make dating an adventure!

All to many times I hear that people don't like to date, it's too much work. They just want someone to show up or appear in their lives. The reality is that even if you believe that God has someone special in mind for you, you still have to do your part. You have to get up off the couch, get dressed, get out and get seen. People have to know you are available and looking!

Here are several guidelines I share with my clients.

1. Date regularly! The more you do it, the better you will get at it. It's like building muscles, it takes effort and repetition.

2. Make each date an adventure. If you think the date will be a dud, it will be. If you think it will be fun, it will be. Set you mind to learning something new about your date and something new about yourself. Even if it's learning something that you don't like to do, you've still learned something new.

3. Make first dates simple. Have a preplanned first date outfit. This will take the worry out of what to wear. Men, this applies to you too! You need to make a decent impression so dress appropriately. Meet for coffee or drinks rather than an expensive dinner. Or, go for a walk or a picnic by a lake or river. Make sure the location is quiet enough to have a decent conversation without having to raise your voice over the ambient noise.

4. Let the first conversations just flow. Don't make them an interrogation. Ask open ended questions and let you date answer. Focus on their answer and not your response. This will go a long way in opening up communication to see if you have the beginnings of an intellectual connection. If you don't know what questions to ask, start with something basic like "What was your favorite vacation and why?" Or, "What is your favorite childhood memory?" Then, just listen and let them tell you some of their favorite stories.

5. Be yourself. We are all on our best behavior for the first few dates. Don't create false impressions or a false persona that is not you. In time, you will be found out and it will usually be a disappointment to your date.

By using these simple guidelines, you can make dating fun, if not exciting. Make dating an adventure and enjoy the journey!

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

Are you #dating in world of #abundance or #scarcity?

This question can apply to a variety of aspects of relationships. For example, do you look around and see only poor quality potential dates or do you find an abundance of good people to date? Are you searching for someone in a city that is notorious as being a terrible place to date such as Kansas City or do you look at your surroundings and find plenty of potential dating candidates? Do you subscribe to the societal belief that you cannot have everything you want in a relationship? Or, do you diligently search for that special someone that possesses everything on your Must Have list, knowing full well that he/she is out there waiting to be found?

I use Kansas City as an example above because I live in the metro area and it made someone's list of Ten Worst Cities for Dating. Just because someone has a negative opinion of the dating possibilities in the KC area, does that mean it's correct? Do you just accept that information on face value or do you take a look at what you actually see and experience? Doing some very basic research, there appears to be in excess of 500,000 singles age 35 to 70 in the KC metro area. Do you mean to tell me that there are no quality men and women worthy of dating here?

I see great dating candidates every week in my workshops...men and women. Each gender has the same complaint; "Society has changed and there are no more good men/women available." It's so much easier to believe that we can't be successful! When it comes to making excuses, we have unlimited creativity. What if you channeled your creativity into finding your mate instead of reasons why you can't?

Most of the problems people run into are based on their own thinking. You attract what you think. As Henry Ford once said; "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!" You will attract what you think most about. If you approach dating from a negative point of view, focusing on what you don't want, you will attract exactly that. When you focus on what you do want, that is ultimately what you will find.

Create your own possibilities. Don't let limiting beliefs get in your way. If you are struggling in your dating life, I can help. Send me an e-mail at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends on Facebook. You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

Are you the person you would #love to

#date?  #Relationships

What are the great qualities that make you who you are today? Are you thoughtful, kind and considerate? Are you a self starter driven to accomplish goals? Are you a great parent, a great cook, a great mechanic, a great _________ (you fill in the blank)? When was the last time you turned your focus inward to figure out who you are and what you have to offer as a mate? For most of us, that answer is never! It is important to understand what type of person you are and what type of person you would love to date. If you are not the type of person you would enjoy dating, what makes you think someone else would enjoy dating you.

How do you become the person you would love to date? There are as many answers to that question as there are people in this world. Only you can determine what is right for you. Only you know what makes you interesting and what you may need to do to be a more attractive partner.

Being a better you, someone you would love to date, takes a little effort on your part. It can just be a matter of staying up to date on current events so you can hold a reasonable conversation with your significant other, friends and acquaintances. Or, it may be more intensive such as earning a degree to improve your career possibilities and make yourself more financially attractive.

Here are some fundamentals to think about as you consider being the person you would love to date.

Keep learning. My experience is that people in healthy relationships keep learning. Take time to read a book...and not just some cheap romance, vampire or zombie novel. Read something that will expand your mind. Reading books about history, biographies, relationships, etc. will help grow your mind. The most successful people are always reading books. Set a goal to read a book a month. You will be amazed at the knowledge you can accumulate in a very short period of time. Being a more well-read person will always make you more attractive to a mate.

Watch your language. As an example, I recently read an article about navigating the b**ch matrix. While it had some reasonable advice, it is disappointing to see the use of such language as it relates to women. This is no way to think of a woman or to talk about a woman! And...it was a woman using this language and giving the advice. Using foul, vulgar or derogatory language in any conversation will degrade any respect people may have for you.

Consider exploring new activities. Find new things to try such as physical activities to make you more physically fit. Maybe you would enjoy going on an ocean cruise or just canoeing down a lazy river. There are any number of things you can try. Your only limit is your imagination. Even if it turns out to be something that you will never do again, at least you will have the experience and something you can possibly talk about for years to come. Finding new activities to try expands who you are and helps create a better, more interesting you.

Don't wait for things to happen. Don't wait for people to come and search for you. Step out of your comfort zone from time to time and seek out new friends and new adventures. This alone will help make you a more well rounded and attractive person to date.

If you have trouble figuring out what you have to offer; if you are having trouble stepping back into the dating life after being in a long-term relationship, seek help from a competent coach or counselor. No matter what you choose to do, the key is to be proactive in you life and become a more dateable you.

 

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

And what makes you think you can save him from his demons?

As a dating coach, sometimes I just want to slap someone upside the head!

I know you see some great qualities and great potential in him or her!  But, what makes you think that you can change them? Why do you feel the need to try to fix someone or mold them into what you want them to be? Either a relationship works or it doesn't. Either you are right of reach other or you aren't! It is as simple as that. You can invest all the time in the world in a relationship but odds are, if it's wrong, you know it from the very beginning. You hang your hope on the fact that he will change or she will change all because you see potential in them. Potential doesn't mean didley squat if the other person does not have the desire or chooses not to put the effort in to better their self. Why waste time in the wrong relationship? 

If you learn to walk away early, people may ridicule you for not giving someone a chance, but the reality is, time is precious. There is no point in spending time in a toxic relationship only to be hurt. If these are the types of relationships you gravitate to, it's time to take a look inward. You are the common denominator in all of your failed relationships. When you settle for an unhealthy relationship, you devalue yourself. There is usually a reason that you choose to devalue yourself and to settle for someone less than extraordinary. If this sounds like you, consider seeking counseling to help work through potential unresolved issues you may have.

Why do you want to spend your time trying to save someone from their demons (unless you are a professional counselor or therapist)?  Why not save yourself from the tears and heartache that inevitably follows the end of a dysfunctional relationship? I know this sounds harsh, but let's deal with reality.

You have to fundamentally understand that some people are terminally broken and that no amount of coaching, counseling or therapy will make a difference until they hit rock bottom and decide to seek help to make changes in their life. Sadly, many times they never make that decision. 

I was recently struck with the sad reality that many of the people that love and care about these broken souls don't know how to let go and save themselves. No matter what is said, no matter how direct you are, some people will just not listen and face reality. Some people have this great desire to try to fix someone that is broken thinking that love will conquer all.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot overcome their demons with love alone. You need to guide them to professional help and you also may need to seek professional guidance for the part you play in their lives as a potential enabler. The key is to learn to recognized the red flags of unhealthy relationships and avoid getting involved in the first place.


If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

Are you "all in"?  #Love #Relationships

How many of you do things in a half hearted way daily? Work? You go to work, put in minimal effort and do just enough to get by. Relationships? You enter into a relationship and initially you may make a good effort but, once you are settled in to a regular routine, you stop putting forth the effort that won your mate's heart in the first place. Life? You go through life just doing the minimum you have to do.  You don't give your families your full attention, you don't take care of your health the way you should, you don't maintain friendships the way you should and the list goes on and on.

What are you willing to do p to make your relationship work? Or, maybe a better question would be "What are you willing to do to take your relationship from "okay" to "great"?" That sounds like a really tough question and for some people, the immediate answer will be "Nothing unless my significant other is going to put in more effort too!" In an extraordinary relationship, these decisions will not be predicated on what the other does or does not do. In great relationships there is a natural give and take.  However, sometimes we do lose sight of what is important for any number of reasons.  We need to be willing to evaluate our relationships from time to time to make sure we are on track and not letting it slip away for lack of attention.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been blessed to see several couples showing great respect and love for each other.  Last weekend, I was heartened to see three older couples show their affection and respect for each other publicly. The youngest couple was probably in their late 50's or early 60's. They were sitting in front of me at an event and were holding hands for most of the time and at one point, she tastefully draped one leg over his and leaned into him in order to connect more fully with him.  Also at that same event there was another couple in their early 70's. When they stood up for the music, they had their arms around each other. Truly, both these couples were very much in love. In the case of the third couple, they were walking out to their car. As they approached it, he walked around and opened his wife's door so she could get in. They were "all in".

The sad part of that story is that they were three couples in a group of nearly 200 people. I'm sure there were probably a few more that displayed similar gestures, but still, it was a very small percentage. Most couples are not all in. They don't put in the maximum effort to make a relationship great.  In fact, most people I encounter tend to put in the minimum effort, if that. They're afraid of being hurt, of being the only one to make an effort or worse yet, don't understand how little it takes to move a relationship from good to great.

Take the time to talk to each other on a regular basis; communicate clearly and openly. Learn (or re-learn) what each other needs and doesn't need in your relationship. Spend time together, treat each other with respect. Support one another and take interest in one another's lives; health, family, work, etc. It's not that hard, but it does take effort. Are you all in?  Are you willing to make the effort?


If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.