What are Your Unwritten #Rules of #Life?

We all have unwritten rules that we live our lives by. These unwritten rules vary from person to person. Some we know we have and some we don't even realize exist. Some of these rules are instilled in us by our parents and others we pick up as we experience life. For example, one of my unwritten rules is that if I text or call (and have to leave a message) I expect a return text or phone call in a reasonable amount of time. One would think that this is a reasonable expectation. IT'S NOT! I have come to learn that people have priorities in their lives and I'm not always at the top of the list. I also know that some of my closest friends will respond when it is convenient for them and sometimes, this may not be for days. It has taken me some time to learn to be patient with them.

Another unwritten rule I have is to not try to carry on a conversation unless both parties are in the same room. How many of you have walked out of the room only to hear your mate start talking to you and you don't have a clue what they said? If this happens only occasionally, it may be oaky. If it happens on a regular basis, it can become very annoying for both partners to have to go back and start the conversation all over again.

One unwritten rule I have recently discovered in myself is that of privacy. I have discovered in recent weeks that privacy and confidentiality can be a rare commodity and that is something I cherish. I'm guessing this rule in my life came from the face that I was a financial advisor for 21 years and virtually every conversation I had with any client was confidential. I have now come to expect that of those around me. I have been disappointed lately by people that have shared portions of personal conversations, but it wasn't their fault. I didn't share my unwritten rule or expectation with them! Then, that leads to the question; How much do you tell someone you are getting to know and how much do you keep to yourself? It seems that there is a very fine line to walk as you get to know someone and develop trust. I usually operate from a perspective of trust and that certain information will remain confidential. I have been burned on occasion, but again, I have to take responsibility for not making sure that others understand what my expectations are.

Do you know what your unwritten rules are? Have you shared your rules with your significant other or do you just expect them to just know? Share some of your unwritten rules with us. How have they helped or hurt you in your relationship?

 

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

The #Frustrations of #Dating. #Love #Romance #Relationships

Do you have expectations of what dating should be like? Are they realistic or unrealistic? Are your expectations based on a romance novel or Hollywood romance movie? Are your expectations based on what someone else told you that dating was supposed to be like based on their wants and desires? Do you expect every date to be magical?

If you are dating based on a romance novel or Hollywood movie script, be prepared to be disappointed! While we all would love to find the man or woman of our dreams, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, it just doesn't happen that way. Life gets in the way and we don't have the novelist or screen writer to craft the perfect lines for us to recite for a happy ending to every situation.

When friends or family give you advice on dating, take a look at their relationship. Are they living what they are telling you? Are they in an extraordinary relationship? Or are they sharing with you what they only wish they could find themselves? Taking dating advice from family and friends is often like taking financial advice from a broke person.

Over time, dating can become frustrating. We don't find the knight in shining armor or the fair maiden we are looking for. We've looked and looked (or so we think) and yet we are still alone. Why is that? As I see it, there are a couple of different possibilities. First, are your expectations unrealistic? Second, the common denominator in all of your dating experiences is YOU! Are you the person you would really want to date? Since I address this second question a few weeks ago, let's focus on being realistic about dating.

Can you expect to find your soul mate, that extraordinary mate that will make your heart skip a beat, give you butterflies in the pit of your stomach and make you go weak in the knees? Absolutely and unequivocally yes! But that's where the fairy tail ends. Most of us have to kiss a lot of frogs to find our prince or princess. That is one of the hardest parts about the journey to finding your soul mate. There are a lot of one-and-done dates that have to be had. There are people we date for a short period of time only to start spotting red flags or deal breakers and it's back to the drawing board.

Next, we have to understand that life happens and rarely does any relationship go unchallenged at some point in which it takes a lot of work to hold it together. The death of a parent or loved one, job loss or any other life changing event can place stress on a relationship that will test it to its limits.

For me, the biggest frustration is having to start over after the end of a relationship. Life is so much easier when you have someone to share your life with; the day's frustrations, the day's successes or plans for the future. The problem with this mindset is that it becomes easy to settle for less than extraordinary just to avoid the pain of having to start the dating process all over. We either return to a past relationship or jump into a new relationship so we have someone to share our day with.

In the search for your extraordinary relationship, dating needs to be viewed as a good thing, as a fun thing (even though sometimes it seems like drudgery).  Approach each new date with a sense of adventure. What can you learn about someone new today? What can you learn about yourself today? Each date should be a learning experience about what you like and don't like about yourself and others. This process is not about judging others and determining if they are good or bad. It's a process of finding the one person that is the  best fit for you.

In the dating process, listen to your gut instinct. We have that for a reason. If the date or situation doesn't feel right, it usually isn't right. Don't fight that feeling. You will save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches by doing so. When someone mistreats or misjudges you, be gracious; don't retaliate! Don't fret about a broken date or a bad date. It was broken or bad for a reason. Learn from it and move on. Don't date to rescue others. Just because you feel sorry for someone doesn't mean you have to get into a relationship with them and to rescue them from their problems. The got there for a reason. Don't change to please someone else. The change won't last and you'll both become resentful about the change later on. The only reason to change anything about yourself is to become a better you.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

Are you a #hardcore #single or are you #hiding from a #relationship?

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting two women from the St Louis area.  During our conversation they revealed that they had both been divorced for more than 20 years.  One said she was totally content in her singleness and the other seemed to be seeking a relationship.  This conversation caused me to do some reflecting about the single life and those that have spent a significant part of their adult life being single.  Based on my conversations with clients, singles in general and other coaches and counselors, I am seeing two patterns emerge.  One is the hardcore single and the other is the person hiding in their singleness. (Note: I'm not talking about the single parent that has devoted the last 10, 15 or 20 years to raising their children and is now interested in dating.)

A hardcore single is someone that has been divorced or widowed for at least 15 to 20 years.  They are usually adamant about staying single and NEVER wanting to marry again.  As I talk to these singles, they have some very common characteristics to each other.  First, they have had a bad experience with marriage and more often than not, with dating.  They have become very set in their ways and admit they don't want their daily routines interrupted.  They don't particularly care to share their home with a significant other because they want their space.  Generally, anyone "invading" their space is unwanted.  There are the noted exceptions of family and close friends from out of town that come to visit for a short time.  Is this a bad thing?  No!  Some people just prefer to remain single.  They enjoy their life as it is.  They have plenty of friends, enjoy plenty of activities and are rarely lonesome.  The single life is ideal for them.

And then, there are those people that hide in their singleness.  Why?  Many are fearful of being hurt especially if they suffered emotional trauma in one or more previous relationships purposefully sabotage their relationships.  Some are just socially awkward and have difficulty meeting and getting to know people.  Others are uncertain of their ability to date successfully.  They like to date but are generally afraid of making a mistake by choosing the wrong person to be in a relationship with.  Finally, there are those that are actually in a relationship and refuse to commit to anything long-term.  They usually hide in mediocre relationships because it gives them an excuse not to have to commit.  Their loneliness is minimized because they are not usually alone yet they are not truly happy because they are not in a great relationship.  In many cases it also gives them something to complain about with their friends; the negativity factor.

There are many ways in which a person can hide in singleness.  A number of people I have talked to have adopted traits that are extremely unappealing to a potential mate.  Many of them are openly defiant about traits or habits.  For example, one gentleman told me that he is very disorganized around the house.  "I know it and that will never change!" he said.  Others may over-eat to make themselves unattractive.  I have even met people that berate and belittle the opposite sex and yet will complain that they cannot find a good mate.

Regardless of why someone chooses to hide in their singleness, generally these people are not able to identify or recognize a healthy relationship.  Usually they have only experienced emotionally unhealthy relationships or co-dependent relationship issues may have attracted them.  It may be beneficial to recognize these characteristics and find the appropriate counseling or therapy for help if you cannot work through them on your own.

Are you a hard core single or are you hiding in your singleness?

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

No more one more one last time!

You cannot move forward if you continue to move backward. Once you break up with someone, it should be over. Even if it wasn't a toxic relationship, it ended for a reason. Odds are that reason hasn't changed.

Statistics show that the loneliness and low self esteem after a breakup will cause couples to reunite for temporary relief through reconciliation. They also show that this will happen an average of seven times before the relationship is finally over! Does this sound crazy or what? The sad fact is that we all have done this at one time or another. Maybe we haven't gone back seven times; maybe it was four times or maybe 10 times.

The simple fact is, that when a relationship is over, don't go back. Each time you do, you reignite some of your feelings for the other person. Then, when you break up again, you have to start the healing process all over again. And, you start the loneliness and self esteem issues all over again. Very simply, it is so much easier in the long run to break up once than to do it multiple times. It saves so much time and energy!

One of the best ways to move on is to start dating other people. Depending on your previous relationship, you may not be emotionally ready for another relationship, but it never hurts to get out and start dating casually again. When you start dating other people, you will naturally reduce the loneliness of not being in a relationship. It will also help build your self-confidence that you are worthy of finding and dating someone that is a better fit for you.

Make sure that when you start to date again that you don't dwell on your ex. This might make you feel better to have someone to talk to about it and get it off your chest but, it will be pure hell for your date! No one wants to spend there date time listening to all the problems you and your ex had. As you start to date, make sure you focus on having fun. Even if the date is a one time event, enjoy it, learn something new about someone else and about yourself. Make dating an adventure and enjoy the journey. If done right, you will eventually find your extraordinary love!

 

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.