Are you perfectly clear about what you want in a #relationship? #Dating #Single #Love 

Recently I had an opportunity to attend a speed dating event as a participant. The question I asked all the ladies that came to sit in front of me was this; "Describe your ideal relationship." That question took most of the women by surprise. At least 90% of them had never thought about that question and could only come up with vague answers like companionship, honesty, supportive and loving. Only one woman could actually describe her ideal relationship in any detail.

This informal study reinforces what I have discovered in my workshops and working one-on-one with clients. Most people are not clear about what they are looking for in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most singles spend more time planning a vacation than they do thinking through the specifics of what a great relationship should look like.

Finding an extraordinary mate, like any other goal, takes careful thought and planning. You need to become absolutely clear on what is important to you and what isn't. You need to take the time to write out all the details of your ideal relationship. What does he/she look like? What do they like to do? What qualities do they need to possess? What do you see, hear and feel when you are with this person?

Here are some other questions to think about and answer.

• How will you know when you have found your soul mate (or extraordinary relationship)?
• What is stopping you from having this relationship right now?
• What resources will you need to help you find your extraordinary relationship? Some examples might include getting physically fit, getting involved in church or social groups, creating an on-line dating profile, gain control of your finances, just to name a few. In other words, are you the person you need to be to attract your ideal mate?

Until you become absolutely clear about what your extraordinary relationship looks like, you will never find what you truly want. You will always be settling for less. When you settle for less than everything you want, you devalue yourself. You tell yourself that you are not worthy of an extraordinary relationship and that is the worst lie you can tell!

Before you go out on another date, become absolutely clear about what you are looking for. Don't waste any more time dating people that do not have extraordinary relationship potential.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

You only #control one half of any #relationship! #Loveforalifetime

That's right! You only control one half of any relationship. It doesn't make any difference whether that relationship is with your significant other, a parent, a child, a friend, a co-worker, etc. You only control your half. The other person controls their half!

In a healthy relationship, each of you will be in control of your own half. In an unhealthy relationship, one person may try to dominate or control the relationship to a point where the other relinquishes some or all of their personal control. This unhealthy relationship is not one that happens overnight, but very gradually over time and it is usually the woman (but not always) that ends up being controlled.

If you realize or discover that you you are in a controlling or abusive relationship, it's time to leave. It doesn't make any difference how much you may love (or think you love) someone, it's time to leave. There is nothing loving about a relationship that strips you of your dignity, self-esteem or emotional identity.

You have to understand that no matter how good or how bad you act in a relationship, you are only responsible for, and in control of your half. You cannot control or change (as much as you might try) the other persons actions, reactions, decisions, etc. This type of relationship often happens when one person sees potential in another person and tries to "force" that person to see it, acknowledge it, accept it and want to achieve it. Trying to "fix" someone is also a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you find yourself trying to "fix" people around you, it may be time to seek some professional counseling because this can be an unhealthy behavior. If you find that someone is trying fix you, it may be time to leave that relationship.

The bottom line is be responsible for yourself. Don't try to change anyone because you think they can be better. If they want to make a change, they will. If they don't, they won't. Change has to come from within and cannot be forced from the outside. Finally, don't allow someone to try to change you to become what they want you to be.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Poor communication = opportunities lost! #Dating #Relationships #DatingConsciously #Lifetimeoflove

This point was driven home recently when I was texting with a woman I had dated for a short time. I'm not a big fan of texting and believe that it is part of the reason this potential relationship failed. However, a bigger part of the failure of the budding relationship was a lack of communication and understanding between each of us.

I finally asked her "Why are you afraid of a relationship with me?" She replied "You were going pretty fast. I just wanted to slow down." Wow! Was that a surprise out of left field! Never once had she commented that things were moving too quickly or that she wanted to slow our relationship down. In fact, she gave every indication that she was in the same frame of mind, emotionally and relationally, that I was. That could have been great information to know before the relationship collapsed!

Unfortunately this information was revealed to late for me to want to try to resurrect any type of relationship. There comes a point in when too much has happened and it is nearly impossible to recreate the original interest in someone because you don't know what is not being said. You start to walk on egg shells, wondering what else you might be doing wrong. That is no way to try to start a relationship, yet so many people I have met will do just that. They will try to build something from the ashes of what could have been.

Personally, I'm not a fan of working and working and working to make a relationship come together because you see some potential. Either it works, or it doesn't. Don't misunderstand; all relationships take work! But there has to be some natural connection and a natural "flow" to the relationship. It can't be all work (especially by only one person) with only short periods of coasting and enjoyment. Life is too short to have to work that hard day in and day out to build and grow a relationship.

The key to a great relationship is to find that special person with whom you connect intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. From here you can develop great communication. If the great communication doesn't develop relatively quickly, it won't make any difference how much you have in common, the relationship may start out with a lot of sizzle, but will eventually fizzle. By learning to recognize early the difference between great and poor communication, you will save a lot of time that would normally be wasted in poor relationships. Again, life is too short for that. Stay focused.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Random thoughts...Part 2 #DateConsciously #Dating

Today I'm sharing random thoughts that have been floating around in my head for a while.

Be kind to everyone you meet. Offer them a smile and a kind word. It's so easy and can make such a difference in someones life. And the best part...if you do this on a regular basis, you will get hundreds of smiles and kind words in return.

You only control one half of any relationship! That's right! You only control one half of any relationship. It doesn't make any difference whether that relationship is with your significant other, a parent, a child, a friend, a co-worker, etc. You only control your half. The other person controls their half!

Don't hang on to a relationship that isn't working for you. If the person you desire doesn't have time to work on and build a relationship with you it will never work. They will hold all the power in that relationship and that's not healthy. You both need to give a relationship a 100% effort.

Don't be afraid of on-line dating. Look at these websites as a tool to help you meet other people that you would never otherwise meet in your daily life. Be smart when you use a dating website. There are scammers that are looking for soft hearted people to take advantage of. NEVER send money or merchandise to someone that you haven't met and haven't run a background check on. A common scam will be someone on an oil rig in the middle of no where and the computers have crashed, the bank account is frozen in a foreign country, a missionary in the middle of no where with the same problems as the oil rig roughneck.

Become very clear on your relationship "Must Haves". This will keep you focused on what is truly important to you in a relationship when infatuation starts to set in. Infatuation is what blinds us to the realities of a poor relationship.

Don't let fear control your decision making process in a relationship. Fear of being alone, not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. are some of the most common excuses I hear. There is plenty of information out there to help you deal with self-esteem issues. If you are finding it difficult to change your self-esteem on your own, seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist. NEVER settle for less than extraordinary in a relationship.

You know you're in a long-term relationship when your mate shouts from the bathroom; "Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" (Sorry...couldn't help myself with this one!)

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.