I was challenged with this question recently and it has caused me to do some deep soul searching about what is truly important to me. There are many frivolous answers that can be spewed out like "A cold beer when I walk in the door.", "A home cooked dinner ready when I get home.", "Let me watch the ball game uninterrupted." or even "Great sex regularly." She might say "To give me some alone time in the tub (or a spa day).", "Come shopping with me.", "Put your laundry in the hamper." or maybe "A date night or dinner and dancing." All of these things can be positive in a relationship, but you need to go deeper than that!
Communication is something that is vitally important to all relationships. Can you talk about anything and everything? Really? Are you sure about that? Or...are you just communicating at a superficial level? Can you and are you sharing your deepest thoughts (and fears) with you partner? Are you even able to articulate them or do they just roll around in your head in a nebulous form leaving you wondering why your relationship doesn't feel quite right or that something is missing?
I have found that voicing my innermost thoughts has given way to some very deep intellectual conversations. Of course, I have a safe environment to share these thoughts, ideas and fears. Yes, fears! Relational fears can be fatal to a relationship if they are unspoken and not addressed. Your mate cannot provide what you need if she/he doesn't know what is missing.
The first step is for you to discover what is important to you in your relationship. Next, you have to learn to provide a "safe" environment to share openly and honestly. Finally, you have to learn to share you deepest thoughts, ideas and fears with each other. Only then can you learn how to truly satisfy each others needs. Be brutally honest with each other. Learn to share you deepest emotions with each other. Only then will you be able to determine how to best serve each other and make your relationship extraordinary.
When you are able to have these great conversations, you will also have to be prepared to face the possibility that one or both of you may not be able to provide what the other truly needs. If this is the case, then you may have to have the discussion of whether it makes sense to continue the relationship. This situation is easiest when the relationship is new. If you have been together for a while, the short-term decision may be very painful. However, in the long-run you will both be better off not expecting something from a partner that could not provide whatever support you may need. Taking time to find the partner that you can be supportive of and can be supportive of you will make you both happier people in the long run.
Now, I'm going to challenge you with the same question! What do you need from your mate to make your relationship work? Share your thoughts and ideas with us.
If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.
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For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.
About the author.
Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate. You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.
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