Traditions come and go as we move through life! #Dating #Love #Relationships

Traditions come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them involve family, some involve friends, some involve sporting events, some involve holidays and the list goes on. In general, there is something comforting about tradition. They seem to give us a sense of family, community, friendship and connection to others. It can also be a time of great stress for some.

Over the past week I have been reminiscing about family and personal traditions and how they change as we travel through life. We have traditions that are instilled in us as children by our parents. Then there are the traditions we develop as we grow and move out on our own. The next phase of traditions comes when we connect with someone and become a couple. When we get married and create our own family, we may again start new traditions. And then, as we get divorced or experience the loss of a spouse, some of our traditions change again.

This year I have noticed that I miss some of the traditions of the past such as watching (or listening to) my favorite Christmas movies while I am doing my Christmas baking. I miss gathering on the couch as a family to watch some of the Christmas cartoon specials we watched as children and then shared with my daughter as she grew up.

When we enter the single world again we can try to maintain many of our traditions, but it can become difficult for any number of reasons. The point is that some traditions just can't be maintained. I broke a couple of traditions this year just to try something new. I spent Thanksgiving with a few single people from church. For Christmas, I spent time with family (which I haven't done in 8 years due to distance and time commitments). Normally I would spend these holidays alone for a couple of reasons. First, I enjoy my own cooking along with the leftovers. Second, I enjoy the solitude at a time of year when life seems to veer out of control with holiday parties, over crowded stores, short tempered people, a general lack of remembrance of what the holidays are about and then there is the traffic with road rage in full and glorious display!

This year I missed my traditional quiet time. Please don't misunderstand, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends from church and some of the best quality time with my dad that I can ever remember! But, it was not the quiet, peaceful time that I have become accustomed to. Would I change a thing this year? No way! It was just a different year. Will I make these new events holiday traditions? Time will tell.

I have found that most traditions are best when they are shared with someone special. God bless you if you have that special someone in your life. If you don't, let's start the new year out right, gain clarity about what you want and focus on creating new traditions with someone special in 2016.

Thank you all for a great 2015 and here's looking to an exciting 2016. May God bless you all with good health and prosperity in the coming year! 

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

What are you thinking...or are you? #Love #Relationships #Dating

It's Christmas Eve Eve as I write this. It is normally a time when I would be a little more sentimental about coming to the end of another year, about my blessings and about the great people that have come into my life this year. However, I have noticed a decided increase in the number of stories I am hearing about bad dates, bad relationships and how terrible dating can be in the Kansas City area. Maybe it's just because the holidays are upon us and we all desire to be happy and spending time with someone special at this time of year.

Most of us have heard horror stories of bad dates, poor on-line dating experiences and generally a lack of quality people to meet (where ever you live). You may have even had a few bad experiences yourself!

If you have had mostly poor dating experiences, maybe the problem does not lie within the general process of on-line dating, the people on the on-dating sites or the availability of quality people to date. If it's not that, what could it be? (Please read that last sentence with a hint of sarcasm!) Maybe it's time to take a look inside. After all, you are the common denominator in all of your dates and relationships!

As I have mentioned in another blog a few weeks back, most people are not crystal clear about what they want in a relationship. They have only vague ideas of what is important to them and sort of stumble into and out of relationships and not taking the whole dating process seriously. Yet, they will be the first to complain that they can't find a great man/woman to date!

People, it's time to get serious about your dating life! It's time to become crystal clear about what you want in your relationship. Rather than work on a list of New Year's resolutions (most of which you won't keep), start work on your list of relationship makers...the list of qualities and characteristics you want in your next mate. As soon as you start working on your list of relationship makers and deal breakers, you will start to gain clarity about the person you want in your life.

This one simple process will help you focus on the important things to you in a relationship. You will be able to stop wasting time dating the wrong people and you will start looking for people that are better suited to your wants, needs and desires. If you have a problem figuring out what is important to you or where to look, send me a note and I will pass on some simple ideas for you.

Are you ready to get serious about finding your extraordinary relationship in 2016?

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

What do you need from each other to make your relationship work? #Dating #Love #Relationships #Loveforalifetime

I was challenged with this question recently and it has caused me to do some deep soul searching about what is truly important to me. There are many frivolous answers that can be spewed out like "A cold beer when I walk in the door.", "A home cooked dinner ready when I get home.", "Let me watch the ball game uninterrupted." or even "Great sex regularly." She might say "To give me some alone time in the tub (or a spa day).", "Come shopping with me.", "Put your laundry in the hamper." or maybe "A date night or dinner and dancing." All of these things can be positive in a relationship, but you need to go deeper than that!

Communication is something that is vitally important to all relationships. Can you talk about anything and everything? Really? Are you sure about that? Or...are you just communicating at a superficial level? Can you and are you sharing your deepest thoughts (and fears) with you partner? Are you even able to articulate them or do they just roll around in your head in a nebulous form leaving you wondering why your relationship doesn't feel quite right or that something is missing?

I have found that voicing my innermost thoughts has given way to some very deep intellectual conversations. Of course, I have a safe environment to share these thoughts, ideas and fears. Yes, fears! Relational fears can be fatal to a relationship if they are unspoken and not addressed. Your mate cannot provide what you need if she/he doesn't know what is missing.

The first step is for you to discover what is important to you in your relationship. Next, you have to learn to provide a "safe" environment to share openly and honestly. Finally, you have to learn to share you deepest thoughts, ideas and fears with each other. Only then can you learn how to truly satisfy each others needs. Be brutally honest with each other. Learn to share you deepest emotions with each other. Only then will you be able to determine how to best serve each other and make your relationship extraordinary.

When you are able to have these great conversations, you will also have to be prepared to face the possibility that one or both of you may not be able to provide what the other truly needs. If this is the case, then you may have to have the discussion of whether it makes sense to continue the relationship. This situation is easiest when the relationship is new. If you have been together for a while, the short-term decision may be very painful. However, in the long-run you will both be better off not expecting something from a partner that could not provide whatever support you may need. Taking time to find the partner that you can be supportive of and can be supportive of you will make you both happier people in the long run.

Now, I'm going to challenge you with the same question! What do you need from your mate to make your relationship work? Share your thoughts and ideas with us.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Do you know how to say I'm #sorry? #Dating #Love #Relationship #Loveforalifetime

One of the most difficult things in life for many (if not most) of us is to say "I'm sorry"! It generally means that you did or said something wrong and that you hurt someone. No one wants to be wrong, and when we are, we generally don't want to admit it. We think it makes us look foolish, lose respect from others or makes us look weak. Then there is the pain of humiliation and we all know how much fun that is!

One of the great truths of life is that saying "I'm sorry" with genuine humility is one of the greatest attributes you can develop. Being able to swallow your pride for a very short period of time and taking true responsibility for your actions is a virtue. Instead of looking foolish, being disrespected and weak, apologizing (sincerely) usually has the opposite effect. People around you will usually have more respect for you and see that as a sign of strength of character.

In a relationship, we often will gloss over our mistakes and hope that our lover will too. We may even gloss over the mistakes of our lover. However, avoiding taking responsibility for our actions starts to take its toll on a relationship. Over time, glossing over or ignoring situations can have an ever deepening negative impact on your relationship until one day, there is no more forgiveness. Once you reach this point, there may be no trust and no respect left in the relationship.

Learning to say "I'm sorry" and meaning it is not easy. Many times it means swallowing your pride and being humbled. It means having to open yourself up to being vulnerable and this is never easy, especially for men.

If you are wrong, consider the impact of an apology. Even if you were right, sometimes it is best to say "I'm sorry. I was wrong in the way I handled the situation." When you develop the courage to take responsibility for a situation, not only will you gain respect from you mate or others around you, you will develop a much sought after character trait. Be brave! Learn to take responsibility for your actions and learn to say "I'm sorry".

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Are you perfectly clear about what you want in a #relationship? #Dating #Single #Love 

Recently I had an opportunity to attend a speed dating event as a participant. The question I asked all the ladies that came to sit in front of me was this; "Describe your ideal relationship." That question took most of the women by surprise. At least 90% of them had never thought about that question and could only come up with vague answers like companionship, honesty, supportive and loving. Only one woman could actually describe her ideal relationship in any detail.

This informal study reinforces what I have discovered in my workshops and working one-on-one with clients. Most people are not clear about what they are looking for in a relationship. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most singles spend more time planning a vacation than they do thinking through the specifics of what a great relationship should look like.

Finding an extraordinary mate, like any other goal, takes careful thought and planning. You need to become absolutely clear on what is important to you and what isn't. You need to take the time to write out all the details of your ideal relationship. What does he/she look like? What do they like to do? What qualities do they need to possess? What do you see, hear and feel when you are with this person?

Here are some other questions to think about and answer.

• How will you know when you have found your soul mate (or extraordinary relationship)?
• What is stopping you from having this relationship right now?
• What resources will you need to help you find your extraordinary relationship? Some examples might include getting physically fit, getting involved in church or social groups, creating an on-line dating profile, gain control of your finances, just to name a few. In other words, are you the person you need to be to attract your ideal mate?

Until you become absolutely clear about what your extraordinary relationship looks like, you will never find what you truly want. You will always be settling for less. When you settle for less than everything you want, you devalue yourself. You tell yourself that you are not worthy of an extraordinary relationship and that is the worst lie you can tell!

Before you go out on another date, become absolutely clear about what you are looking for. Don't waste any more time dating people that do not have extraordinary relationship potential.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

You only #control one half of any #relationship! #Loveforalifetime

That's right! You only control one half of any relationship. It doesn't make any difference whether that relationship is with your significant other, a parent, a child, a friend, a co-worker, etc. You only control your half. The other person controls their half!

In a healthy relationship, each of you will be in control of your own half. In an unhealthy relationship, one person may try to dominate or control the relationship to a point where the other relinquishes some or all of their personal control. This unhealthy relationship is not one that happens overnight, but very gradually over time and it is usually the woman (but not always) that ends up being controlled.

If you realize or discover that you you are in a controlling or abusive relationship, it's time to leave. It doesn't make any difference how much you may love (or think you love) someone, it's time to leave. There is nothing loving about a relationship that strips you of your dignity, self-esteem or emotional identity.

You have to understand that no matter how good or how bad you act in a relationship, you are only responsible for, and in control of your half. You cannot control or change (as much as you might try) the other persons actions, reactions, decisions, etc. This type of relationship often happens when one person sees potential in another person and tries to "force" that person to see it, acknowledge it, accept it and want to achieve it. Trying to "fix" someone is also a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you find yourself trying to "fix" people around you, it may be time to seek some professional counseling because this can be an unhealthy behavior. If you find that someone is trying fix you, it may be time to leave that relationship.

The bottom line is be responsible for yourself. Don't try to change anyone because you think they can be better. If they want to make a change, they will. If they don't, they won't. Change has to come from within and cannot be forced from the outside. Finally, don't allow someone to try to change you to become what they want you to be.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Poor communication = opportunities lost! #Dating #Relationships #DatingConsciously #Lifetimeoflove

This point was driven home recently when I was texting with a woman I had dated for a short time. I'm not a big fan of texting and believe that it is part of the reason this potential relationship failed. However, a bigger part of the failure of the budding relationship was a lack of communication and understanding between each of us.

I finally asked her "Why are you afraid of a relationship with me?" She replied "You were going pretty fast. I just wanted to slow down." Wow! Was that a surprise out of left field! Never once had she commented that things were moving too quickly or that she wanted to slow our relationship down. In fact, she gave every indication that she was in the same frame of mind, emotionally and relationally, that I was. That could have been great information to know before the relationship collapsed!

Unfortunately this information was revealed to late for me to want to try to resurrect any type of relationship. There comes a point in when too much has happened and it is nearly impossible to recreate the original interest in someone because you don't know what is not being said. You start to walk on egg shells, wondering what else you might be doing wrong. That is no way to try to start a relationship, yet so many people I have met will do just that. They will try to build something from the ashes of what could have been.

Personally, I'm not a fan of working and working and working to make a relationship come together because you see some potential. Either it works, or it doesn't. Don't misunderstand; all relationships take work! But there has to be some natural connection and a natural "flow" to the relationship. It can't be all work (especially by only one person) with only short periods of coasting and enjoyment. Life is too short to have to work that hard day in and day out to build and grow a relationship.

The key to a great relationship is to find that special person with whom you connect intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. From here you can develop great communication. If the great communication doesn't develop relatively quickly, it won't make any difference how much you have in common, the relationship may start out with a lot of sizzle, but will eventually fizzle. By learning to recognize early the difference between great and poor communication, you will save a lot of time that would normally be wasted in poor relationships. Again, life is too short for that. Stay focused.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Random thoughts...Part 2 #DateConsciously #Dating

Today I'm sharing random thoughts that have been floating around in my head for a while.

Be kind to everyone you meet. Offer them a smile and a kind word. It's so easy and can make such a difference in someones life. And the best part...if you do this on a regular basis, you will get hundreds of smiles and kind words in return.

You only control one half of any relationship! That's right! You only control one half of any relationship. It doesn't make any difference whether that relationship is with your significant other, a parent, a child, a friend, a co-worker, etc. You only control your half. The other person controls their half!

Don't hang on to a relationship that isn't working for you. If the person you desire doesn't have time to work on and build a relationship with you it will never work. They will hold all the power in that relationship and that's not healthy. You both need to give a relationship a 100% effort.

Don't be afraid of on-line dating. Look at these websites as a tool to help you meet other people that you would never otherwise meet in your daily life. Be smart when you use a dating website. There are scammers that are looking for soft hearted people to take advantage of. NEVER send money or merchandise to someone that you haven't met and haven't run a background check on. A common scam will be someone on an oil rig in the middle of no where and the computers have crashed, the bank account is frozen in a foreign country, a missionary in the middle of no where with the same problems as the oil rig roughneck.

Become very clear on your relationship "Must Haves". This will keep you focused on what is truly important to you in a relationship when infatuation starts to set in. Infatuation is what blinds us to the realities of a poor relationship.

Don't let fear control your decision making process in a relationship. Fear of being alone, not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. are some of the most common excuses I hear. There is plenty of information out there to help you deal with self-esteem issues. If you are finding it difficult to change your self-esteem on your own, seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist. NEVER settle for less than extraordinary in a relationship.

You know you're in a long-term relationship when your mate shouts from the bathroom; "Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" (Sorry...couldn't help myself with this one!)

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

I'm old-school when it comes to #dating! #Love #Relationships

Recently I was on a local TV morning show panel and the question of who should pay for the date came up. The other two gentlemen on the panel agreed that the lady should pay her half. I disagree and believe that men should pay at least until you are in a monogamous committed relationship.

I Believe:

I believe that a man should hold the door open for his date (and every other woman for that matter) as a sign of respect. I've heard horror stories from men opening doors for women only to be publicly shamed by her because she can do it herself!

I believe that a man should pay for the date until you are in a monogamous relationship. Ladies, its nice if you offer to pay for at least part of the date, but you should expect him to pay. This too is a sign of respect for the lady. Note: If you are just friends and dating casually, then it could be appropriate for the lady to pay for her part.

I believe that the lady should be seated at the table first and that the man should stand whenever she leaves or returns to the table.

I believe that the man should walk on the street side of the woman to protect her from traffic, water/mud splashing, etc.

Societal Changes

In the past 50 years or so, men have lost their way. Societal changes have caused men to become confused about their role in a relationship. We have been told that women can do everything on their own and don't need a man. If a woman wants a man, he has to be able to show emotion...his softer feminine side. Yet, in her very next breath she will complain that there are no manly men left. Hmmm! I wonder why!

For lack of better terms, men have become lazy. not necessarily willfully but because of confusion. Men are supposed to be the strong protectors and providers yet have a soft emotional side. Most of today's men have lost the knowledge of how to be a gentleman. Fathers have given up trying to figure out what women want and consequently have stopped teaching their sons how to treat a woman.

Women have become lazy also. They have been told they should do everything for themselves and consequently have stopped expecting men to be gentlemen. Yet, I have only met one woman that argued with me about opening her door. She had not been raised to understand that it is a sign of respect. Most women I know have to be asked to wait for the door to be opened for them.

Finally, men, if you want to attract a higher quality woman in your life, learn to act like a gentleman. There are plenty of resources on-line to help you. I'm convinced that if you act like a gentleman and treat her like a lady, you will win her heart faster than any good looks, smooth talk or gifts ever will,

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

What signals are you sending to the opposite sex? #Dating #Love #Relationship

In the past couple of weeks I've come upon several situations that have me thinking about how we come across to the opposite sex. What message are you telegraphing to a potential mate when you tell him/her that you think you have the potential for a great romance when you have only spoken casually at a social event? What message are you telegraphing when you have only shared a couple of texts or a short phone call and you start to laying out how your relationship should work?

Both of the situations above are real. The first happened to a lady friend of mine. She met a "gentleman" at a social gathering and they talked for a few minutes and that was about all. In the next six weeks he found her on Facebook and started messaging her. While his messages were not threatening in any way, they were creepy! He started out by telling her he thought they would make a great couple and how wonderful it would be. She politely told him that she didn't find the same attraction and that she was too busy for a relationship at this time. After a couple of unanswered messages, he tried to video call her on Facebook at 2:30 AM. To make a long story short she ultimately had to block him from further contact. The man in this situation thought so highly of himself that he wouldn't take "No" for an answer. He gave no consideration to her wants, needs and desires.

The second situation resulted when a woman contacted a man on a dating website. In her first e-mail she suggested that they start texting. He reluctantly gave her his phone number with the condition that they talk rather than text. The subsequent phone conversation started out fairly normal by asking and answering questions. But, as the conversation progressed, the woman started to grasp at things in common to prove that there were significant common interests. The next evening the woman texted laying out her plan for developing a relationship. Without a response to the first text, the woman sent a second text outlining in even more detail her plans to date the man. He quickly ended the conversation with a text saying he wasn't interested. In this situation, she came across as desperate for a relationship.

In the first situation, the man failed to listen to the woman and assumed that he was a great match and that he would prove it if she just gave him a chance. In the second situation, the woman failed to ask the man if he was interested in a relationship. Both situations demonstrate failed communication. Both situations illustrate narcissism on the part of the pursuer. It was all about their wants, needs and desires with no consideration of what the other person wanted.

When you are meeting someone new, are you taking the time to get to know them and what they want? Or, is it all about you and what you want? Most people that read this will say that's not me. But, I guarantee you, almost everyone of us has done this to some extent at some point in our lives. Hopefully we have learned from our mistakes. If not, it's time to take a look inward and see if you can develop better communication skills and better people skills to become a better, more attractive you.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Making the #effort is the difference between #success and #failure of any #relationship. #Love #Dating

Are you attracted to someone? Are they attracted to you? Is there a possibility of a relationship? These are the golden questions! We all have the possibility for many relationships. Most often they don't work out because of some missing element needed for an extraordinary relationship. Sometimes its the fact that there are deal breakers that get in the way. Today, lets talk about the effort necessary to make a relationship work.

A romantic relationship is a two way street with a give and take from both people. When only one is vested in the relationship, you are in for some major hurdles.

Defining the two way street can sometimes be difficult. Is it one or two lanes that run in both directions? Or, is it six lanes in one direction and only one lane in the other? Do you expect your partner to put in all the effort to build, grow and maintain the relationship? Is this something that the two of you have discussed and agree to do or is it implicitly expected? This is where great communication comes in. You both need to share your ideas and expectations of what a great relationship should look like.

Threshold of rejection.
There comes a point in time for everyone that enough is enough. You can only ask for a date so many times and be told that he/she already has plans. You can only try to be a part of someone's support system and be rejected so many times. Some people have higher thresholds of rejection than others. However, there comes a point in time when even the most persistent person will throw their hands up in frustration and say "I've had enough."


Some people just don't get it!
It is incredibly difficult for anyone to maintain interest in a relationship when your potential mate is too busy with work, friends and/or having fun to invest time in the relationship. Relationships cannot be built on an hour (or less) a week of together time. They take time to nurture and grow. You have to communicate your relationship expectations to your mate. Either they get it or they don't! There comes a point where you just have to walk away from someone that doesn't have the time for you.

Taking responsibility.
One of the hardest things to do for many people is to take responsibility for their part in a failed relationship. Responsibility is not always a 50/50 issue. Sometimes it is a 90/10 split. Regardless of the percentage, there are always two people in the relationship and two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth. Learn to accept your responsibility, learn from your mistakes and make a better effort next time.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

The 5 Biggest Mistakes Singles Make When Dating. 
#Dating #Love #Mistakes #Relationships #Singles 

There are plenty of mistakes that singles make when we are dating. Some of them are bigger than others. Here are 5 that I see frequently with my clients and workshop participants. These are in no particular order of commonality or importance.

1. Not knowing what you are looking for in a relationship. This is by far one of the most common mistakes people make. The want to date; they want to be in a relationship, but they don't know whether they want just a casual friendship or something more permanent. Beyond that, most people only have a vague idea about the characteristics that are important to them in their next mate. To find a great relationship, you have to be clear about what you want before your start looking!
2. Settling for less than you would like in a relationship. Society, as well as friends and family, tell us that we can't have everything we want in a relationship. Anyone that tries is unrealistic and is dreaming. This just isn't true! We can have everything we want in a relationship as long as we are willing to put in the time and effort necessary to find it. You have to set higher standards for yourself and your mate. It's as simple as that. 
3. Failing to recognize red flags of poor relationships. This is a really important mistake that most people make. When we are in a relationship, especially a new relationship, we are usually blinded by infatuation and the excitement of someone new. That is one of the reasons it is so important to know what you are looking for in a mate before you start to date. Knowing the type of relationship you want and what your Must Haves and Deal breakers are will help you temporarily step back from the infatuation and recognize the potential problems you face long before you invest a significant amount of time, energy and emotion in a relationship that isn't right for you.
4. Not being mature or strong enough to walk away. We all need to be adults and make adult decisions. If you see a relationship isn't right then don't stick around to see if something or someone will change. Odds are, that will not happen. You can try to change some, but the changes are usually only temporary and the person you try to change becomes resentful. Just because someone is not a good match doesn't make either one of you a bad person. It just means you are not right for each other. One of the great excuses is "I don't what to hurt his/her feelings." You need to be mature enough to recognize the situation for what it is and move on before you invest too much time and too many emotions. This is something that will not get better with time. Make the best decision for both of you. 
5. Not knowing what a great relationship should look like. Depending on the studies you look at, an average of only about 20% of marriages that last are strong healthy relationships. That means that most of us grew up in families that are dysfunctional in some way. That also means that most people don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. All we know is what we grew up with and what we have experienced. It takes effort to make a relationship work. It takes even more effort to try to make the wrong relationship work. It is important to take time to learn what a great and healthy relationship should look like. Hire a dating or relationship coach, attend relationship seminars or even seek counseling in order to learn about healthy relationships. When you are able to identify what a healthy relationship looks like for you, then you are able to stay focused on the key characteristics you are looking for and will not settle for anything less than extraordinary.

Recognizing and understanding these common mistakes is critical in helping you make better dating and relationship decisions. You can learn from your past by identifying your unique mistakes if you are willing to be open and honest with yourself. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. How is it that I have come to all this knowledge about dating? It's because I have made all of the mistakes above...and many more. Many times our best lessons come from our mistakes. Learn from your mistakes; learn from my mistakes and start to make better decisions about the people you date and relationships you enter into.

If you or someone you know has questions about dating, please send them to me at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on workshops, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He is an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

#Focus on the #Big_Picture! #Dating #Love #Relationships

One of the most common objections I hear in my seminars is that we can't have everything we want in a relationship. My response is always; "Why Not?" Then I will hear excuses like "No one is perfect." and "That's an unreal expectation." My response to those are; "You're right, no one is perfect, but isn't there someone that is perfect for you?" And, "Why is that an unreal expectation?"

Society teaches us that we need to have things right now. We deserve to have what we want immediately. (By the way, this contradicts "you can't have everything you want.) There is no longer any waiting, no sacrificing, no effort necessary for what we want. The same has come to apply to relationships. We expect to be able to just go out, find someone and be happy. The problem is that most people don't know what it is, in a relationship, that they are looking for.

If you've been single for some time, patiently waiting and searching to find the right person, you have undoubtedly been asked "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you married yet (or at least dating)?"

If you have had one or more poor or abusive relationships you begin to doubt your ability to judge a persons character. You start to believe what is told to you by an abusive mate (or family member). You might even surround yourself with people that don't expect much from you or your relationships.

All of these questions and thoughts made by the people around you start to plant seeds of self doubt and maybe even lower your self esteem.. You start to question and doubt yourself. You start to believe that you are not worthy of having everything you want in a relationship. When these doubts and fears creep in, they are destructive beyond belief.

How do you get past all this nonsense?

• This is the time when you need to take a step back and think about the type of relationship you want; short-term casual to long-term permanent.
• Get clear about the mate you are look for. What are your Must Haves and Deal Breakers?
• Identify your limiting beliefs. "I'm not good (smart, pretty, etc) enough. 
• Challenge the old ideas in your head and change your limiting beliefs.
• Make the process of dating enjoyable. 
• Raise your standards both for yourself and those around you. If you need to change the people you associate with, then make the change. "Who you spend time with is who you become!" ~ Tony Robbins

How important is it for you to find your extraordinary relationship? What are you willing to do to find it? Let me know how I can help you.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

The man panel tackles makeup, push up bras and more - KCTV5

The man panel tackles makeup, push up bras and more - KCTV5

It's all about communication! #Dating #Love #Relationships

The reality is, unless we communicate well, we cannot have great relationships. This applies to both personal and business relationships.

One of the keys to great communication is being honest and vulnerable. You have to be willing to say; "I don't know the answer." "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." "I was selfish/wrong and neglected your needs." How many of us can swallow hard and see these words? I guarantee, not many. We all want to be right. We never want to make a mistake...or at least never admit that we did.

Honesty is a two way street with ourselves. We can only control our honestly and no one else's. Not only do we have to be honest with others, it is just as important that we are honest with ourselves. In fact, unless we are honest with ourselves first, it will be next to impossible to be honest with anyone else. If we can't admit to ourselves that we made a mistake, didn't know the answer or neglected to fulfill a commitment, how are we going to admit that to someone else? What usually happens is that we make an excuse or blame the issue on someone else in order to save face.

The parasite of fear.

We all want to look good in the eyes of others. If we make a mistake we're afraid that it will diminish other's opinions of us. When this happens, we punish ourselves emotionally by thinking we are not good enough, smart enough, etc. We may even say these things out loud for others to hear! If you say it often enough and long enough, what you think and say will become the truth in your mind. And, nobody can punish us more harshly than we can punish ourselves!

The art of listening.

Stephen Covey said it best; "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply!" Make sure as you are listening to not be assumptive. Don't assume you understand what someone is saying to you. Clarify by repeating as accurately as possible what they said and by asking questions not only until you are sure that you understand but that the speaker is sure you understand. Listening is an art. The best listeners will also usually  be the best communicators because they make an effort to understand the conversation and to make the speaker feel understood.

You can't force someone else to be a better communicator so that responsibility is yours. The more you learn to communicate openly, honestly and clearly, the stronger your relationships will become.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? #Love #Relationships #Dating

This is a question that is often asked in business and motivational meetings. But, it also applies to the realm of dating and relationships. Recently I watched the movie; The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I didn't expect much because I'm not a Ben Stiller fan. However, I was pleasantly surprised and truly enjoyed the movie. For those that haven't seen it, it is a relationship movie and starts out with Walter Mitty wanting to meet and date a woman in his office. He finds her on-line dating profile and discovers that she is looking for the type of man that he fantasizes about being. For the first half of the movie he fantasizes about how to impress her. The second half of the movie is devoted to Walter becoming the man he dreams of becoming.

I think this movie brings to light many of the problems that so many of us have. We don't have the courage to be the man or woman we would like to be and we don't have the courage to meet or date the people we would like to date. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our negative self-talk of "I'm not good, smart, pretty, rich, etc. enough." We convince ourselves that we can't possibly have everything we want in a relationship. We tell ourselves we are being unrealistic and are not deserving. 

Getting past our fears is often extremely difficult. But time and again, people that have done it have accomplished magnificent things. It took me 52 years to finally stand up to my father and claim my adulthood! The realization that my desires, choices, wants and needs mattered was a defining moment for me. The problem is, we have such vivid imaginations that 95 times out of 100, we envision rejection, humiliation and all the other emotional baggage that goes along with getting turned down for a date, not getting a job or even lack of acknowledgment from a parent or loved one. When we can finally come to the realization that the rejection, humiliation and whatever else we fear  comes from within and is in our control, we can overcome great obstacles and accomplish wonderful things.

With our vivid imagination of all the things that can go wrong also comes the imagination of what it would be like to date the person we fantasize about. Don't let your imagination keep you from meeting and getting to know someone because you think they would never want to get to know you. You will be surprised when you finally do get to meet them. Odds are, they are nothing like what you imagined. As with all of our fantasy thoughts, they usually have little to do with reality. It's not until you can actually get to know someone on a personal level that you can find out if you are a great match.

You only fail if you don't try. Otherwise, each time something doesn't work out the way you would like, it is another lesson in what doesn't work. In dating, it is another lesson in finding someone that was not right for you. This will continue until one day, you do meet that special someone. You never would have met her without asking for a date, an e-mail address or a phone number. The key is to believe you have the courage to try, then,step out of your comfort zone and ask her/him

for a date.

What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

How long do you #struggle to make a #relationship work and when do you let go? #Love #Dating

I have observed couples that will spend years trying to make a relationship work. Often they try to keep something alive that they should just let die off.

Either a relationship is great or it isn't. All your "Must Haves" are there or they aren't. You can fight to hang on to a relationship because it is mostly good, maybe even mostly great. In the end, if the entire relationship is not great, if your mate doesn't have all that you need (or you don't have all that you partner needs) in a relationship, one of two things will happen.

1) You will stick with a relationship that is less than extraordinary or

2) The relationship will fail and you will have wasted a lot of time and energy.

Does this sound harsh? I hope so! All too often we try to sugar coat our unhappiness, dissatisfaction and relationship struggles. We want to give it every chance to survive! We don't want to take a realistic look at the relationship to see if it is hurting us. We spend countless hours trying to justify working on issues and trying to align core values. The bottom line is that if your core values don't align to begin with, it doesn't make any difference how hard you try to conform to your partner's needs and vise versa, the relationship will never be good, much less extraordinary.

The belief systems we each develop play a huge role in the relationships we choose. Most people date from a perspective of scarcity. For example; All the good women/men are already married. My city is listed as one of the top ten worst for dating. I'm not good enough, pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough, etc. While some of these can be characterized as potential self-esteem issues, they all have one thing in common. Scarcity. Either there is a lack of good people to date or I lack some characteristic that makes me datable. When you focus on scarcity, that is exactly what you will get. There will be a lack of good people to date and you will not have or develop the characteristics that make you datable.

However, when you shift your thinking to that of abundance, you will start to find plenty of great people to date and you will recognize your great qualities that make you datable and desirable. And, when you are honest with yourself, you will also recognize the features you want to change or improve in yourself to make you even more datable and desirable. This paradigm shift is not necessarily an easy task and can be time consuming. It starts by making a conscious effort to recognize the negative effects thoughts of scarcity have on your life and removing the negative from your life. There are volumes and volumes of information on making these life changing shifts so I will let you do your due diligence and find what works best for you.

As I have said numerous times in my blogs, time is precious. There is little reason to try to force a relationship to work because of whatever lies you want to tell yourself. Shift your paradigm to that of abundance and start to see all the possibilities for strong healthy relationships in your life.

If you have questions about dating, feel free to drop me a line at rick@luv4alifetime.com.

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share on Facebook with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

For information on seminars, events and coaching go to luv4alifetime.com/seminars.html.

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.