Spring is finally here and as the saying goes, Love is in the air!
Start off your spring right by making better relationship decisions this year. For those of you that are not sure about buying our book, you can read about 20 pages on Amazon or you can go to our website and read the entire first chapter! See what people are saying about Dating Backward on both websites. You can order your copy of Dating Backward or Kindle version through Amazon.com or get an autographed copy by ordering at our website, luv4alifetime.com.

Thanks to all who regularly read our posts. Please continue to share with your friends and invite them to follow us as well.

Check your emotional health.
Do you have emotions from an event, situation, or relationship that you won't let go of? How long should you hang on to these emotions before they become unhealthy? Each situation will be different but over time, your emotions should calm down and what you will be left with are memories, both good and bad. If you hang on to raw emotions and hurt for too long or for... the wrong reasons, you could be setting yourself up for future relationship failure, not to mention the potential damage it can have on your physical health.

If negative emotions persist over long periods of time (years), consider seeking professional guidance to resolve these issues. Hanging on to emotional baggage will ultimately prevent you from experiencing all the joy that life has to offer and will prevent you from moving forward and finding an extraordinary relationship...your soul mate.

Do you recognize emotional triggers from past relationships?
If you have been in any long-term relationship, you more than likely have developed emotional triggers to certain events, actions, words, etc. These trigger points will usually cause you to have an emotional reaction that may or may not be warranted for a particular situation. These trigger points are usually learned responses to even...ts of the past but may be totally inappropriate responses to situations today. The key is to recognize why you are reacting the way you are. The second key is to make sure that the reaction is appropriate for the current situation. The third key is to change or "un-learn" your response if it is inappropriate for your present situation.

As an example, let's say you developed a response to something your ex-spouse or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend did. In the beginning, the first couple of times it happened, it may have been funny or cute. Over time, however, it became very annoying and you developed a very negative reaction. Now, when a similar situation arises, you automatically react negatively even if your new mate has never displayed this as a common character issue. You need to be aware of the trigger point and then explain it to your new mate so they understand that it is not them that you are reacting to but to past situations as a learned behavior.

If you cannot figure out why you react the way you do to certain situations, you may want to seek professional guidance. Correcting bad or unreasonable behavior will go a long way in making future relationships better.

Are You A Reason, Season, or a Lifetime?
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emoti...onally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

� Author Unknown

The world doesn't need more trusting people; it needs more trustworthy people.
We usually talk to each other about how to trust, to be cautious, let your walls down, and being open. We rarely talk about how to BE trustworthy!

There are only a couple of basic principles necessary to be trustworthy. First, assume every important conversation you have is confidential. Unless you are given permis...sion to tell others, keep your mouth shut!

Second, do not take information from a conversation and use it to hurt anyone. Do not use past events, feelings, or words that have been shared with you to gain superiority. We all need to feel significance in our lives. Trying to make yourself feel significant by demeaning, belittling, or hurting someone else is a sign of emotional immaturity. Hurtful words cause deep and lasting wounds. Words spoken in anger can destroy a relationship that may have taken years to build.

Third, do what you say you are going to do. It is very easy to lose someone's trust if you say you will do something and then don't follow through.

It doesn't take rocket science to be trustworthy. What it does take is accountability, responsibility and thoughtfulness! Be the person YOU would like to have in your life. Be worthy of trust!

Does your mate know you? Really?
We all have a past. We all have secrets. We all have done things that we probably are not really proud of.

Have you shared any of these things with your mate? Like most people, you probably haven't. Or, if you have, it is probably just very superficially. Over the past several months I have had the privilege of being part of a men's group that meets every o...ther Saturday morning. It is a time to learn and to share some very private aspects of our lives with other men in a safe and caring environment. One member of the group recently explained that after 22 years of marriage, he was finally revealing some of his hidden past to his wife. This was not done to confess past sins but to give his wife a better understanding of who he is and some of the things he has done that have shaped him to be the man he is today.

When your mate is willing to open up and share with you, you need to make sure that you provide a safe environment for them to do so. They need to know that you are not going to use information they provide to your benefit by holding it over them as leverage to get what you want. They have to know that you will keep anything they tell you in strictest confidence. Being open and transparent with your mate can be (and usually is) very difficult. No one wants to be vulnerable and susceptible to criticism...especially men.

Being open and honest with your mate may not feel natural or comfortable at first because of past wounds and the walls we have built to protect our feelings. When you do open up and reveal your past, your dreams, and your desires to your mate, you start to and continue to develop a much deeper connection. Your relationship becomes far less superficial and allows for a much better understanding of each other. You learn how you can work together to make a better life for yourself and for each other.

When do you decide to go from Dating to Courting?
A couple of weeks ago we discussed the difference between Dating and Courting. (For those of you that missed it or have forgotten, go back and review our April 3, 2014 post.) Now, lets talk about the transition from Dating to Courting. When do you make that decision?

I think the answer will be a little different for each couple. However, ther...e are some basics that will apply to almost all situations. First, you should review your Must Haves to make sure you both meet each other's criteria. This is a great (and interesting) conversation to share with each other. It will enlighten each of you to the things your mate desires and expects. If there are qualities or characteristics that are missing or have not been discovered yet, this is a good time to discuss those missing or unknown characteristics.

Second, you need to discuss what your expectations are as you go forward. One of you may be ready to move forward to the Courting stage and the other may not. The important factor is that you cannot force or coerce your mate into moving forward if they are not ready. Even if the two of you meet all of the other's Must Haves, have a good intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and physical connection, and speak the same love languages, there can still be something missing. There has to be that "spark", that "chemistry", or what ever else you want to call it. If that one element is missing you have the potential for a good, maybe even great relationship, but it is unlikely to be extraordinary.

If everything else is in place, how long do you wait to see if that spark or chemistry develops? That is the million dollar question! Only YOU know how long you are willing to wait. Some couples feel it instantly. For some, it develops over time. And for others, it never develops. Only you can make the decision to continue dating or to move forward to courting when the time is right. It is a decision that should be mutually agreed to. Be honest about what you are feeling and thinking. It is the best way to make the right decisions for both of you.

Are you accountable in your relationship?
It takes two people to make or break a relationship. Each person is responsible for what they bring to that relationship. What do you have to offer your mate or a potential mate? Do you actively contribute to building up your relationship or do you expect your mate to do all the work? Another way to ask that question is; are you making deposits to you...r mate's love tank or are you only making withdrawals?

Making a deposit in your mate's love tank does not always have to be complicated. In fact, most of the time it is very simple. It can be holding her hand when you are walking down the street. It can be rubbing his shoulders after a tough day at work. It can be sitting and listening (without comment) to her and the problems she faced during the day. It can be helping him wash his car. It can be as simple as saying "I love you." None of these things are complicated. Some things may take a little more effort and a little more thought but none of it is rocket science.

Failing to make deposits will ultimately lead to emotionally bankrupting your relationship. The key is to make a little effort to know what pleases your mate. Be accountable to your mate to do the little things that make a deposit in their love tank regularly and you will be surprised by the response you get in return.

Discouragement

One of the comments we get frequently is that many of you get discouraged and many times even quit looking for your soul mate. Dating and searching for your extraordinary love is not easy. Each time you go on a first date you may wonder if this could be the one. Could this be your last first date? However, if you go on a date with the attitude that this is just another date that will lead nowhere, you could be setting yourself up for failure.

Whether you realize it of not, you project your present mood and attitude. If you go out on a date with a negative attitude or thoughts, it will more than likely not be a great date. On the other hand, if you go out with a positive attitude and with a sense of excitement, you will more than likely have a much better time.

Without realizing it, you may be affecting your ability to connect intellectually if you are dating with the wrong attitude. Check your attitude before you head out the door. Even if you are not in the best of moods, put a smile on your face. Scientific evidence indicates that this one simple act has the ability to change your attitude and emotions and the emotions of those around you. Even the least astute observers among us can "hear" a smile on the phone. A smile is an incredibly powerful tool that is easy to use, takes no time to learn, and will change your mood almost instantly. This one simple technique can help fight off discouragement just by changing your attitude.

Smile! Not only will it have a positive affect on you, it will likely have a positive affect on those around you!

When are you making your Must Have list?
We have discovered that many people are making their Must Have lists after they have started dating someone. Great care must be taken that your list is not jaded or influenced by your potential or present mate. It is very easy to overlook important Must Haves by only looking at the good characteristics of your present mate. You also need to draw on past... relationships and experiences to help develop your list.

Your present (as well as past) relationship can also be a good source for Deal Breakers. Don't ignore these issues just because your mate may have a lot of your Must Haves. It is just as important to recognize problem areas as it is to see the good characteristics. And don't be afraid to address the Deal Breakers with the one you are dating.

Finally, take a good long hard look at YOU! What do you bring to the table? What characteristics make you a candidate to be someone's soul mate? If you have difficulty looking inward objectively, ask your friends and family for honest opinions on your strong points and what you can improve.

Your ultimate goal should always be to find the love of your life and not settle for anything less than extraordinary. Be the best that you can be and never stop growing, learning and improving. Your soul mate is out there. If the person you are currently dating turns out to be your soul mate, that is wonderful! If he or she isn't, be patient and stay focused on finding your true love.

Have you read Dating Backward yet?
We are getting great input from people that have read Dating Backward. Here are a couple of things that are being said:

"This book was comforting after leaving a toxic relationship. It reaffirms that as... hard as it was and still is, the relationship was not good for me and causing me unnecessary stress. ...I have a clearer understanding of what I want and will settle for no less."

"I believe this book should be in everyone's home. Whether you're alone or happily married, it brings up a lot of things for discussion to help better your relationship."

"The importance of the book to the reader is the thoughtful collection of ideas and experiences we should consider as we search for our soul mate or that extraordinary relationship. ...The book is well written and empowering to lay the foundation for a healthy, loving, long lasting relationship."

It is gratifying to hear stories of people initiating conversations with their significant other because of what they read. People are seeing the value and importance of making better dating and courting decisions. Stories of simple observations about what is important and what isn't, knowing your Must Haves and Deal Breakers, and having courage to have important and sometimes difficult conversations are finding their way back to us.

Express your feelings

Emotions bring feelings to communication and that can bring special challenges. If you are the type of person that has difficulty expressing your feelings or concerns, take an inward look at yourself and try to figure out what holds you back. Understanding what holds you back is the first step in figuring out how to communicate more effectively with your mate. For some pe...ople, getting professional help to deal with significant personal issues may be advisable. Learning to express your feelings in a respectful, open and honest way will help you create a significantly stronger connection with your mate.

Men, this is where we tend to stumble and fall. For most of us, we were taught that if you showed any emotions other than negative emotions such as anger or frustration, you are a wimp. If you showed any positive emotions such as love, tenderness or even cried, you would be considered a sissy. As we have discussed previously, God gave us emotions for a reason. It is ultimately not healthy to turn your emotions inward and withhold them from your mate. Being able to share your emotions with your mate is an incredibly important part of the communication process and to the future success of your relationship. If you keep your emotions closed off from your mate, you put distance between the two of you. In essence you are building a wall that your mate will have difficulty climbing over, going around or breaking through. Time and again, studies have shown that communicating feelings frees the body and mind of stress which, in turn, creates a healthier you both physically and mentally.

The importance of values
Values are indicative of a person’s philosophy for living and are influenced by where you live, the era of birth, parent’s values, friend’s values, school experiences, religious beliefs and everything else that can impact the individual’s life. It cannot be stated strongly enough that parenting styles and parental values directly impact our emotional connectedness to others. Finding the soul mate that has virtues is to find a person actively living by their values and this is more precious than gold and silver. Some core values that demonstrate a willingness to put others ahead of self needs are:

Accountability
Faith
Humility
Love
Respect
Trust

 It is important to understand that your values should be in alignment with each other. This can be a significant factor in the success or failure of a relationship. Without having similar values, you bring potential conflict into the future of your relationship. Very few people we know can have an extraordinary relationship if their values are not aligned. When these values are in alignment and put into action it creates energy in a relationship that nurtures the soul. A hallmark sign of a potential soul mate are many shared values. Mature individuals draw on the experiences of others, find and integrate all that holds meaning, respect others who differ and reevaluate personal values as life progresses.

Who is the center of attention in your relationship?
Is your focus on your mate? Is your mate's focus on you? Or does 100% of the focus go to just one mate? In an extraordinary relationship the focus should go both ways. Your focus should be on your mate and your mate's focus should be on you. You should be doing things for each other with no expectation of anything in return.

If you are no...t in this type of non-marital relationship, you should take a step back to evaluate the situation. Is there a temporary focus on one mate to achieve a particular goal, start a new business, or due to the ill health of one person just to name a few reasons? Or, has the relationship always been one sided with all the focus on one partner? If it has always been one sided, it is not a healthy relationship. One person is doing all the giving and loving and the other is just receiving. One person is putting all the effort into the relationship and the other is not. Eventually, the person doing all the giving will feel empty, hollow, neglected, and even resentful because none of their emotional needs are being met. This is the type of relationship you should walk away from.

Focus can shift from time to time based on the situations within the relationship but ultimately should settle back to your focus on each other.

Note: If one or both partners have children in the home, the children's needs should be the first priority.

Does he or she have everything on your Must Have list?

 I had a brief but wonderful text conversation with a friend last night. She told me she had found the man of her dreams. First, I told her I was very excited and happy for her. Next, I asked her if he had all the Must Haves on her list. She replied "Yes, he is everything I wanted and so much more!"

After pondering our conversation, it ...struck me that she is not the first one to tell us that he (or she) is everything they wanted and so much more. This is, in fact, more common than you would think. Most people that have found their soul mate have told us that their relationship is more than they could have ever imagined.

Some of the greatest push back we get is when it comes to making a Must Have list. Yet time after time those that have found their soul mate are pleasantly surprised by the fact that their mate is everything they were looking for and more. We don't believe in being "to picky". The more specific you are, the more likely you are to find that extraordinary relationship.

Allow yourself to dream of your ideal mate. From your imagination, write down all the positive qualities you want in your soul mate. Use this list as your guide to making better decisions about the people you date and the relationship choices you make.

Some people "get it" and some don't.
One of the great things about getting older is the wisdom we hopefully acquire with life experience. Through most of my personal life and my business career, I wanted people to like me and/or wanted them to buy my business products and services. When I realized that not everyone "gets it", life became so much easier. Let me explain. In business, as a finan...cial advisor, I provided services that could help almost everyone I met. I had the ability to improve people's lives. For reasons known and some unknown, I was not able to sell my services to everyone I met. When I learned that not everyone would be a good fit for what I did and that not everyone would see the value of what I could do for them, it made hearing "no" much easier.

The same is true with our personal lives. When we learn and understand that not everyone is going to get our sense of humor, our individual passions for life, our desires for our future mate, we become free to live our own lives and not worry about what others think or want. We become free to pursue life the way we see fit, the way God wants us to. We are free to become the best we can be.

There is nothing wrong with people that don't understand you or what you are looking for. They just don't "get it" and you don't need to spend a lot of time or energy trying to convince them of who you are or what you are looking for. Surround yourself with people that "get it" and let the others go.

What is the difference between dating and courting and why is it important?

Courting is a word that is rarely used today. The word dating has basically replaced the word courting but there is a difference. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, dating means to do an activity with someone you have might have a romantic relationship with : to go on a date or several dates with (someone). O...n the other hand, courting is to act in a way that shows that you want or intend to get married.

If we stick with the strict definitions, dating is non-committal. You may be dating someone exclusively but there is no commitment or desire for the relationship to lead to marriage. There may not even be a long-term commitment to remain in the relationship.

Courting is the focus on one person, on one relationship with the intention of the relationship leading to marriage.

Why is this important to know and understand? It all goes back to communication. Understanding what you are looking for in a relationship and what your mate or love interest is looking for is important for good communication. Knowing the difference between dating and courting is important so there are no misunderstandings especially if each of you are looking for or desiring different outcomes. It can be hurtful not to mention a waste of each others time if you are not working toward the same outcome in your relationship.

So the question we pose is; Are you dating or are you courting?

What is the difference between chemistry and infatuation?

Just this week I was reading an article by a men's dating coach. In it the coach talked about one of her clients that said he and his girlfriend had great chemistry in the beginning of their relationship. They did a lot of things together, enjoyed being with each other and eventually had great sex. After a while, this couple discovered ...that they had almost nothing in common and the relationship was on the rocks.

What this coach described and what her client thought was chemistry was actually infatuation. Infatuation is a short-term or, as defined in the dictionary, foolish passion. Infatuation is the giddiness you feel early on in a relationship, the butterflies in the pit of your stomach, and the desire to be with your mate all of your free time. During this time you rarely see or recognize any of your potential mates flaws and imperfections, your lack of common interests, and even the lack of common values.

Chemistry, on the other hand, is part of the emotional connection that develops over time and lasts the life of your relationship. This is the long-term desire to be with your mate through good times and bad. It is a singleness of focus on this relationship. It is the connection the remains long after the butterflies and giddiness have gone. It is the desire to sacrifice your wants and needs in order to take care of your mate. It is all of this and so much more. Chemistry is that part of the connection that transcends words. It is what makes your soul mate so special.

Going back to a past love

If you have been in the dating world very long at all you will come across people that you have an interest in and all of a sudden they are no longer available. They have chosen to start dating a past boyfriend or girlfriend. You may have made this same decision at some point. Much of the reason we do this is because it is easy. We know our past loves and there is no...t as much effort that has to go into getting to know them as with a new relationship. We tend to remember the best parts of these past relationships and forget the problem areas.

As with any past relationship, there are reasons it didn't work in the first place otherwise you would have still been together. If you renew a past relationship, be aware that the reasons it didn't work the first (second or third) time are still there. The problems of the past aren't going to change. You can't change them and they can't change who you are. That is why these on again off again relationships continue to fail. If you were right for each other in the first place, you would have still been together.

Going back to a past relationship is rarely the right thing to do. It is usually the easy thing to do. Life and relationships are not always easy. You need to know what you want in your next relationship and stay focused on that. The more time you spend in the wrong relationship, the less time you have to spend finding the right one. Past relationships are merely distractions that keep you from finding an extraordinary relationship...your soul mate.