After 20+ years of #marriage, you suddenly find yourself #single again.  Now what?

You were married for many years and suddenly you find yourself divorced or widowed.  This is not how you had pictured your life turning out.  You are left to pick up the pieces of broken dreams and start life over as a single person.  Where do you go from here?

The first step is to give yourself some time to heal your emotional wounds.  Whether you are divorced or widowed, you need to take time to heal and rediscover who you are.  How long will the healing take?  That depends on whether you are divorced or widowed.  As a general rule, it usually takes one to three years for divorcees and three to five years for widows/widowers.  Each situation will be different depending on circumstances.  It may take more time, or it may take less time.  The key is to understand that you are evolving as a person.

When do you make the decision to date again?  That is different for everyone because every situation is different.  Be emotionally ready to date.  As a general rule, don't date if you are still angry over a divorce.  Don't date if you are still emotionally attached to your deceased spouse.  It won't be a fun date for either of you.  There may be a time when you have friends and family that push you back into the dating world before you are ready.  They mean well but generally don't understand the emotions you are dealing with.  Don't start to date until you feel you are ready.

Are you someone that you would want to date?  We always think about the characteristics of the person we want in our lives and the things we won't accept.  But, when was the last time you thought about you and what you have to offer as a mate?  Give it some thought.  If you struggle with this, ask your family and friends for their honest opinion.  If there are things that you are not happy with in your life, now is the time to work on those things, whatever they might be.

Dating has changed in the last 20, 30 or even 40 years.  For most, you were asked out on a date either in person or by phone.  Today, it will more than likely be by e-mail or text.  Internet dating is relatively new in the last 15 years.  There can be quite a learning curve for some that choose to date this way.  Some of the social etiquette has also changed.  It is more and more common for a woman to ask a man out.  Most men have lost the art of being a gentleman i.e., opening doors, standing when a woman enters the room, seating the woman at the dinner table first, etc.  It may take some time to understand some of these changes and to get used to them.  Take your time and be cautious.

Finally, when you do start to date, don't get too serious too quickly.  Learn to have fun dating.  If you have ultimately decided that you want to be in a long-term relationship again, then take your time to find the right one.  This means you will probably date a lot and that is okay.  Make dating fun.  Go out with the mindset that you are going to learn something new about someone today.  You may even learn something new about yourself.  Dating is like building muscle, the more you work at it, the easier it becomes.  If you have questions or concerns, talk to your friends that have been dating a while or seek out a good dating coach.  They can give you insight to dating that will help you move forward in your search.


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About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

 

And you went back to a bad relationship...why?

This is such a common question.  We see it happen all the time.  A couple will break up because the relationship is not a healthy one.  And then...within a few weeks they are back together in the same toxic relationship!  WHY?  Most of it can be boiled down to some form of fear; fear of being alone, fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of not finding someone else better, fear of change, etc.  These fears drive most people to prioritize relationship status over relationship quality.

A sub-set of these fears is risk aversion and loss aversion.  People will settle for poor relationships because they think the risk of waiting for the right one is greater than the risk of settling for the one they are with.  Loss aversion means that you are more afraid of losing what you have than gaining what you truly desire.  Both the fear of risk or loss will land you in the same place...settling for a relationship that is not fulfilling.

Next, most people don't know how to create or be in a solid relationship.  They haven't experienced quality relationships in any form.  Most of us have grown up in dysfunctional families which provided a distorted picture of what a relationship looks like.  If we do recognize that our family was not the best resource for relationship information, we tend to look at movies and romance novels for what an ideal relationship should look like.  Unfortunately, we don't have an author or script writer to create the perfect line or response to every situation.  If we date just to find a relationship, we end up losing out on a lot of the benefits of dating.  We don't get to learn about other people and ourselves.  Dating helps you find the qualities necessary for you for a great relationship. 

Most people don't date enough.  Dating can be difficult and consequently they choose to do it as little as possible before settling into a relationship.  Dating is like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get and the easier it becomes.  It's like building muscles.  The more you flex, stretch and develop a muscle, the stronger it becomes and the easier it gets to maintain the muscle.  By dating regularly you may accomplish several different things.  First, you get to meet a variety of different people that can teach you something new...if you take an interest.  Even the most boring of dates could be interesting if you focus on learning something new.  It's a matter of perspective.  Second, you start to learn new things about yourself.  You may discover that there are foods, activities, places, etc. that you enjoy trying.

Your relationship goal should be to find the one that will help you create an extraordinary relationship, not to fill a space next to you just to keep you company.  You should be looking for the one that truly loves you unconditionally and whom you will love unconditionally.  Learn to recognize that you have value and that by settling for less than extraordinary you not only devalue your mate, but you devalue yourself!


If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends.  You can subscribe to my weekly blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

 

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.