What subjects are you afraid to talk about with your mate? Money? Sex? Past relationships? Religion? Politics? Why?

Extraordinary communication is critical to any relationship and at any stage of a relationship. In a new relationship, being able to discuss your likes, dislikes, history and future are very important. You need to be confident enough in yourself to bring up sensitive topics even if you know that the subject might be a deal breaker for your mate. It is better to find out early on than to develop emotional connections and then find out you or your mate has a past that you (or they) are not willing to live with going forward.

In a mature relationship you will discover potentially sensitive issues that need to be discussed. You need to feel confident that your mate will respect you enough to create a safe environment to talk. They need to receive and feel the same from you. By safe environment we mean that the subject matter will not be used to berate, belittle, harm or embarrass the other person in any way...now or in the future.

Addressing sensitive topics can build a much deeper level of trust and respect because of your openness and willingness to talk about tough subjects.

What signals are you sending your mate?

Are you flirtatious like we discussed yesterday? Are you cool and reserved? Are you distant and closed off from communication? Are you open and receptive? We have the ability to be all these and more at any given time and in any given circumstance. However, we do tend to gravitate to being more open or closed depending on our personality and on the relationship.

Much of the time we will naturally reflect the signals our mate is send to us. If they are closed and withdrawn, we can become that way. If they are open and receptive we can reflect that too. In a great or extraordinary relationship, we can naturally reflect our mate's mood or at times we can move in the opposite direction especially when we are being supportive of our mate during a rough time in their life.

Some of us do this more naturally than others. If you are not blessed with the ability to "read" your mate's mood instinctively, it will take some observation, discussion and learning about how to best be supportive and communicative.

The opposite is also true. If we are not tuned into the signals we are sending to our mate, we won't realize what message they are receiving. Often it is good to ask how someone else perceives you to gain an understanding of the message you are sending.

What do you have to be aware of? You have to understand the words you use. As we say in our book, "words have meaning." Understanding how words are used, tone of voice and body language all contribute to portraying a message. We devote two chapters to the subject of communication and that can be a great place to start to help you understand both the message that you send and the message you think you are receiving. If that isn't enough,there have been many books written specifically on the various components of communication.

Learn to be the best communicator that you can be. This will have a huge impact not only on your romantic relationships but also with personal, work and business relationships.

Flirting is an aphrodisiac!

Think about the last time you had someone flirt with you. If there was even the mildest physical attraction to the person flirting with you, flirting increased this attraction and can act as an aphrodisiac. Here is an article from Fox News from 2009. It is a bit graphic but is a great explanation of the effect.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/01/30/foxsexpert-and-best-aphrodisiac-is/

Please note: we are not promoting indiscriminate sex by sharing this article. We still believe that physical intimacy should be reserve for the bonds of marriage. We also realize that in today's "immediate gratification society" that waiting for marriage is not a desirable option for most people.

How do you handle money in your relationship?

Money is one of the most important topics; one of the least discussed early in a relationship; and the subject that has been the cause of more breakups and divorce than any other subject. Discussing finances and having common financial goals is critical to a healthy relationship. Understanding and making plans for how money is earned, accumulated and spent are great conversations to have early on.

As your relationship progresses and you are committed to each other, do you start to combine assets such as checking accounts or do you keep them separate?  During the courtship process it is important to learn how your mate handles money.  Do they save?  Do they run out of money before the end of the month?  If you combine checking accounts, do you both have equal say about how money is spent or will one of you have more say than the other?

If you are in a relationship where one or both of you have children from previous marriages it is also important to discuss estate planning and how assets that have been accumulated both before and during the relationship will be divided.

What about debt?  Do either or both of you have significant debt?  Where did that debt come from?  Is it school debt?  Is it from spending more than you make?  Is it from medical bills or another unforeseen emergency?  Is it debt from divorce?  How is this debt being taken care of?  Do you or your mate have a plan to pay off debt as quickly as possible?  Will the debt be paid off before marriage?  If not, (assuming one person is basically debt free) will both incomes be used to pay off debt?  This may be a great time to consult an attorney to discuss potential prenuptial agreements.

As a former financial advisor, I suggest that assets and debt remain separate until you are married.  In the event that the two of you should split before marriage, it is much easier to have separate checking accounts than to try to unravel combined accounts.  Be cautious about being overly generous if you are debt free.  Paying off your mates debts is a wonderful gesture, but we have seen all to many times that after the debt is paid, the relationship changes and not necessarily for the better.

If you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't manage money well, be careful not to be taken advantage of.  Generosity can be a wonderful thing if done correctly.  If not, it can be a great enabler of the financially irresponsible.

It is always easier to see someone else's flaws and mistakes than to see our own!

In the midst of a conversation this weekend, I found myself being judged for some of my past actions. I may have been able to avoid this "judgment" by being a little less forthright with my answers to difficult questions. Would it have made me look better? Yes, it would. Would it have been the truth? Yes, in a manner of speaking, but it would have only been part of the truth.

It is easy to be judgmental of others. We all have the ability to see what we would consider mistakes that others make. We all make decisions that are clearly wrong. We may have entered into relationships with mates that are alcoholics, co-dependents, spendthrifts, etc. Do we always see these issues before hand? Not necessarily. Why? Sometimes our vision is clouded by emotion or infatuation. Sometimes our vision is clouded by a lifetime of emotional abuse or emotional immaturity. Other times...we just make poor decisions thinking we can change another person!

Can you make excuses for bad decisions? Absolutely! Have you learned from your mistakes? That is an important question which only you can answer. The first step is to recognize and admit the mistakes you have made. The second step is to learn and grow from them and if necessary ask for forgiveness.

The important lesson here is to remember your mistakes but don't continue to relive them. Don't continue to beat yourself up about the past. You can't change the past. You can only make a better future by learning from your mistakes and making better decisions going forward.

In the end, it is far easier to judge others. It is never as easy to look inward and judge ourselves.

Okay. You find yourself single again. Now what?

Today we are going to follow up on Tuesdays post. Whether you were the one to make the decision to end the relationship, it was a mutual decision or even if it was forced on you, this is a great time to step back and reflect. This is the time to look realistically at your relationship and see what went right and what went wrong. Were there red flags that you didn't see? Were there conversations that should have been explored further?

In many relationships there are issues on both sides. He doesn't hold my hand in public. She doesn't let me have my guy time. (I know, these may seem pretty simple, but you get my point.) Whatever the issues or arguments are, they were issues that neither of you could work through or you were not able to make significant enough personal changes to accommodate your mate.

Avoid the "He is making a huge mistake." or "She is going to be sorry she left." thinking. Odds are that both of these thoughts are wrong. We just wish they would be true in an effort to ease our own pain, especially if the decision to break up was not our own. There are going to be relationships that, no matter how hard we try, or how much we want them to succeed, they won't. There is just something missing...

This is a great time to reconnect with friends that you may not have seen in a while. Most importantly though, take time for you. It takes time to heal from the loss of a relationship. It's okay to think about the past but don't dwell on it. Take a break from dating. Look ahead to the future. If there are things that you know you would like to change or learn for your next relationship, now is the time to start on those changes. Do things that make you happy.

Finally, focus on what you do have, not on what you think you have lost. Just because what you thought was a great relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that there isn't something even better in store for you.

Do you know you need to end a relationship but keep holding on?

Are you in a one-sided relationship? Are you in a relationship where your mate is not emotionally (or legally) available? Are there emotional or codependency issues that you need to free yourself from? There are any number of reasons that can create the need to end a relationship. Understanding the need to and doing it are two completely different issues.

An important point to remember is that ending a relationship does not necessarily make one person right and the other one wrong. It doesn't make one person good and the other one bad. It just means that the two of you are not completely compatible. If even just one of the Four Cornerstones of a relationship (Intellectual, Spiritual, Emotional or Physical) is missing, you don't have an extraordinary relationship. And odds are, it never will be.

We usually understand the need to leave a relationship and that is the easy part. Actually ending it can be the excruciatingly painful part. Regardless of the reason you choose to leave a relationship, prolonging the break-up is rarely a good idea. Rarely is there a good time. Rarely is it easy or pain-free. Just be an adult and mature about ending the relationship. You don't need harsh words, even if you are thinking them. There is generally no reason to prolong the conversation. Just speak your mind and move on.

After a break-up, you often may feel remorse. This is the main reason that you have a desire to reconnect in spite of the fact that breaking up was the right thing to do. If you decide to climb on this emotional roller coaster ride, you are going to get hurt again...and again...and again until you decide to completely break free. Resist your urge to call and reconnect. It only leads to more pain and then having to restart the healing process all over again. Break up once and heal once.

Finally, ending an emotionally or physically abusive relationship should always be a priority and done sooner rather than later. Ending this type of relationship may also take some planning and the help of family, friends or other resources. If necessary, contact a local shelter and law enforcement for your protection. Your health and safety and the health and safety of your children should always be a priority.

Join us this Saturday for a book signing at Reader's World in Sedalia.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1444525295798962/

F.E.A.R. How many times have you been afraid of doing or saying something only to find out afterward that it was easier than you thought?

The acronym for F.E.A.R. is:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

How many times have you worried about something, an event or a conversation that you thought might be very difficult only to get through it and realize that none of your worst fears materialized? We all do this! It is human nature. It is also a fact that 95% of the scenarios that we create in our mind will never come to pass. That means that almost everything we worry about is unnecessary worry.

How much more could you accomplish if you weren't afraid? Could you meet your soul mate if you were not afraid to go up and introduce yourself? We create scenarios in our head capturing our worst fears of rejection, failure and embarrassment. We create these scenarios to protect ourselves from both physical and emotional harm. The truth is, no one (at least to my knowledge) has ever died from rejection, failure or embarrassment.

My experience has taught me that once I take the step of pushing past my fear and approaching someone or trying something new, it is never as bad or traumatic as I pictured in my mind! The brain is an incredibly powerful organ that can create some very vivid pictures. We have to learn to shift our thinking from the worst possible outcome to the best possible outcome. When we do this, we free ourselves up to do many of the things we were afraid of doing.

The important thing is to realized that most of your fears are unfounded and unrealistic. By having this understanding, you free yourself to step out of your comfort zone more often and experience more of what you are capable of doing. The next time you are out and see someone you would like to meet, envision that person as being very happy to meet you and wanting to have a great conversation. Remember, they probably have the same fear about meeting you as you do of meeting them!