Can dating be fun?  #Dating #Relationship #Love

Silly question right?  On the surface you might think so.  But, I recently had a conversation with two women that had gone through rough divorces.  Neither one is truly ready to start dating seriously yet.  Neither one is ready to trust a man in her life.  Yet, they are both looking forward to a time when they will be married again.

Be emotionally ready to date.  If you are still hurting from a bad or unexpected divorce, it's probably not a great time to re-enter the world of dating.  Dating can be tough enough without bringing negative thoughts and emotions to the table.  There is not much worse than sitting though a conversation with someone that can do nothing but run down their ex spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Work through these emotions first before you start to date.  If you doubt me, think about some of the horror stories you've heard from your single friends about the date that couldn't stop talking about their ex.  It is not a pleasant experience.

Don't force dating.  If you're not ready, you're not ready.  We all have friends and family that want to see us happy and most of them think that you need to be in a relationship to be happy.  This is very kind and very wrong.  Most of us know when we are ready to start dating again.  The anger, hurt or pain of the loss of a marriage or relationship will eventually subside and you will want to start going out and doing things with other people.  If you are especially gun shy, start with group dating.  It is a great way to socialize, get comfortable talking to members of the opposite sex in a generally none threatening way.  As you become more comfortable, then move onto one-to-one dating.

Dating is like building muscle.  The more you do it, the stronger you become.  I've heard from so many people that they don't like to date because it takes so much effort, they are tired of bad dates, they are tired of first dates, there are no good men/women to date, etc.  Most people don't like to exercise either.  Just the mention of the word turns most people off.  But, the reality is, you need to exercise to build muscle.  The more you exercise, the stronger you get.  Dating is no different.  You need to do it regularly to become stronger and better at it.  The better you become at anything, the easier it is to do.

Don't make your first date a dinner date or an event date.  Meet for coffee or a casual drink.  If you don't feel a connection and things aren't going well, it is much easier to excuse yourself and end the date early.  Meeting this way is usually much easier, less expensive and still leaves the door open to spend more time with someone if you do feel there is a connection.

Make dating fun.  This includes making it fun for your date as well as yourself.  Dating is about getting to know someone else.  Don't dominate the conversation by talking about yourself and your interests.  Share the time together.  Ask questions and LISTEN to the answer.  Look at each first date as a new adventure.  Some adventures are going to be more fun than others.  Each date presents the opportunity to meet someone new.  It is an opportunity to learn something new about someone else and about yourself.  It builds up your experience bank and the more deposits you make in your experience bank the more you have to draw on to be a great date even if you are only dating casually.


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About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

 

Most people put more thought into buying a car than the people they date!

How much thought have you put into the type of relationship you are looking for?  How much thought have you put into the important characteristics you want in your next relationship?  Have you made a list of Must Haves for your next relationship or are you just wing it?  I have read a number of articles that were posted recently about whether making a list of Must Haves for your next mate is a reasonable thing to do.  Many of the articles ultimately say its okay to have three or four Must Haves on your list such as honesty, loyalty, love and respect.  Beyond that, they say, you need to be open to all possibilities.  They say that you need to look beyond the superficial which I agree with to some extent.  I have also had several conversations recently along the same line.  It appears that our present societal state of mind is to suggest that none of us can have everything we want in a relationship.  If you are one of the few that think you can have everything you are looking for, you are told or considered to be unrealistic.

I think just the opposite is true.  You are better off figuring out what you want and waiting for the one that you desire than to settle for someone that does not fulfill all your realistic desires.  There is plenty of evidence to suggest that settling for less than you want is a bad strategy.  Just look in your favorite book store.  The self-help shelves are lined with books on how to fix a broken marriage or relationship.  There are even books on how to trick someone into being attracted to and loving you.  There is precious little information to suggest you wait for or seek out the person that truly is an extraordinary match for you.

You must look at your list in a realistic way.  If you are looking strictly at superficial aspects of a relationship (height, weight, eye color, hair color, job, income, connectedness or who they know, etc.) then you are bound to fail as you create your list of Must Haves.  This list needs to go deeper and be more comprehensive than looks, money, lifestyle, etc.  What is important to you?  What about health, hygiene, religion or spirituality, being financially responsible, personality, etc.? These are but a few things to spur some thought.

When someone is in a relationship, especially a great relationship, virtually all of them will be able to list all of the great qualities of their mate.  Odds are that there was very little, if any, compromise on any of the qualities that were important to each other.  So why not be proactive and make a comprehensive list of all the must have characteristics you are searching for in a mate.  Few, if any of us walk onto a car lot, briefly scan the lot and say "I'll take that one!"  We walk onto the lot, usually after much research on make, model, features, options, price, etc.  And this is something we intend to own for only four to six years!  Why wouldn't you put the same amount of effort into a relationship that you would like to last for the rest of your life?

Spend time thinking about what is important in your next relationship.  Also figure out what your deal breakers are.  Be proactive in your search for your next mate.  Put some effort into your search.  At the very least, you will avoid many unnecessary tears and heartaches because you won't be settling for anything less than extraordinary!

If you enjoyed this article, Like and Share with your friends.  You can subscribe to my blog at http://luv4alifetimellc.blogspot.com/

About the author.

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement.  He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues.  Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.

 

Dating Consciously #Love #Relationships

We live in a world of mixed messages and immediate gratification.  Media tells us that if we want something, we deserve to have it now.  We also live in a world where our friends and family (and even some relationship coaches and counselors) tell us we cannot have everything we want in a relationship.  They tell us we are too picky and our standards are too high.  We are told that there is no perfect man or woman.  The underlying message is "settle for what you can find."  Consequently, most people date and get into relationships without thinking about what they really want.  They decide that it is more important to be in a relationship (immediate gratification) than it is to think deeply and identify what is important to them and wait for the right relationship.

Most people just jump into a relationship without fully understanding what (or whom) they are looking for.  They will spend months and even years in a relationship that is less than fulfilling and wonder what is wrong.  When they are in these relationships they are settling for someone that is not fulfilling one or more of their intellectual, spiritual, emotional or physical needs.  These couples usually experience significant tears and heartache because so much time and emotion has been invested and often times wasted in the wrong relationship.

Most relationships don't need to end this way.  So, how do you change this pattern?  It starts with serious thought about who you are, what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a relationship.  This is dating consciously.  Dating consciously is the act of thinking about whom you are looking for and why you are looking, before you start to date. 

If you are dating consciously, you will have predetermined the type of relationship you are looking for.  Relationships range from casual (just friends to do things with) to permanent (one that leads to marriage) or maybe something in between.

When you date consciously, you will also have thought about (and written down) the Must Have characteristics of your next mate, your Deal Breaker list and then the list of traits that make you an extraordinary mate.  If you want more details about creating these lists, check out my book, Dating Backward, available on Amazon.com or luv4alifetime.com.

The process of dating consciously will create a vision of the very minimum of what you will accept in a relationship.  It will also help prevent you from dating people that are not right for you.  You will be able to identify red flags with most potential mates in 30 days or less.  In fact, you should be able to see most red flags in the first date or two simply because you are focused on what you want.

Start dating smarter.  Avoid most of the tears and heartache from poor relationships.  Date Consciously!


If you enjoyed this article, please Like and Share it with your friends.  You can receive dating and relationship tips weekly by subscribing to the Love for a Lifetime, LLC blog.

About the author:

Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become an astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.  You can benefit from his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions. Date consciously and settle for nothing less than extraordinary in your next relationship.

Here is a great post from fellow relationship coach Petra Williams.

Why Men can't handle Strong Successful Women

Ha, if you're reading this you obviously believe that men can't handle strong successful women and you are not alone.

I'm elated to tell you that I have found this to be a myth. I am currently conducting interviews with single successful executive men and what they want from women and every man I've interviewed has expressed excitement at the prospect of dating a strong successful woman. And why wouldn't they?

Successful people have so much in common. They share drive, intelligence, skills, good communication, broad general knowledge, good income, independence, power, dedication...

I tell you what men don't like. They don't like a 'masculine' energy. That's their 'job'.

Often Executive women need to apply masculine traits to negotiate, to lead and to be taken seriously in what is often a male dominated environment. And even more so when they're single because they take control of your own life and continue to muscle your way through their schedules.

When a woman has a masculine energy around her, she gives off a vibe that she doesn't need men which makes them unapproachable to men. Of course realistically they don't need men but the man is hardwired to be the protector and needs to feel needed. Just like the woman is hardwired to need a man who can protect her and her young (rarely do women actually look to 'hook up' with famine men).

Solution? Show vulnerability. Be courageous enough to allow the guard down and to express your beautiful femininity. This is a true sign of strength and confidence because it opens  you up to being hurt. Yet this alone will reap the greatest rewards.

Freaked out because this takes you out of your comfort zone?

You're a professional woman used to testing and measuring. Start showing some vulnerability around men that you feel comfortable with and then go from there. I recommend you don't do this at work for obvious reasons.

Have fun. 'Be a girl' and watch the men flock to you.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-men-cant-handle-strong-success-women-petra-williams

Finding a #healthy #relationship.

Here are five key points that I teach my clients and seminar attendees.

1) Create a Must Have list.  These are the non-negotiable characteristics that you are looking for in your next relationship. If you are looking at a characteristic that "would be nice to have", it shouldn't be on your list.  Your list of Must Haves are the most important traits you are looking for and if even just one is missing in your potential mate, you should be moving on and continuing your search.  If you don't move on, you are settling for less than extraordinary.  This list must be in writing so you can refer to it often as you are dating.  The importance of this list is that it helps you to step back from the veil of infatuation which clouds our vision and often prevents us from recognizing red flags early in a new relationship.

2) Create a list of Deal Breakers.  These are the characteristics that would immediately be reason to not start a relationship or end a relationship once they are discovered.  It is important to have these written down too for the same reason as above.

 

3) It is important to be emotionally healthy before you try to enter into a new relationship.  People who are emotionally healthy have:

• A sense of contentment.
• A zest for living and the ability to laugh and have fun.
• The ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity.
• A sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationship.
• The flexibility to learn new things and adapt to change.
• A balance between work and play, rest and activity, etc.
• The ability to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
• Self-confidence and high self-esteem.

If you are not emotionally healthy, you are very susceptible to falling into an unhealthy relationship because of your unhealthy emotional needs.

4) Assuming you are emotionally healthy and have made your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists, then it is time to date.  When you think you have found a person that seems to have all of your Must Haves and none of your Deal Breakers and seems to be a great match, it's time to dig deeper.  First and foremost, a lot can be discerned from conversations and actions.  It is often thought to be sweet or endearing when a potential mate wants to do almost everything with you.  This should be a potential red flag because this could be a signal of someone that is controlling.  If they insist on going everywhere and doing everything with you, you should start to back away from the relationship.

Listen to what they say about past relationships.  There can be a lot of clues to their personality in conversations.  For example, if they talk about how evil, hurtful or uncaring their past mates were, this may be a clue that there could be problems in your future.  If they will not take or admit some responsibility in any relationship problems, this is also a clue that you my be entering into an unhealthy relationship.

5) If everything seems to be going well, there is still more research that can be done.  Most states have a court website in which you can do a very basic search on legal issues involving your potential mate.  This is not a comprehensive search, just one that can be done in your state at no cost.  Next, there are web search services that can do minor background checks for $25 to $50.  For a more complete background check, you can hire a private investigation firm to do a detailed check.  These are the most comprehensive checks and could find information on multiple IDs in multiple sates.  These will be more expensive but well worth the money especially if they prevent significant physical, verbal and financial abuse.

 

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Be open to new ideas and possibilities

Do you have to be right?

I was in a business meeting this week when I was presented with ideas I wasn't particularly fond of.  As I pushed back on the recommendations that were being made, my business associate stood her ground.  In an instant, I recognized that I was being too rigid in my thought process.  She very wisely and diplomatically made the point that our future presentations needed to appeal to the broadest possible audience.  My usual mindset and presentation style would have limited reception and may have actually turned people way from future seminars and from hiring me as a personal coach.

This was an important lesson for me not only from a business perspective but also for personal relationships.  How many relationships have I been limiting because of my beliefs?  How many relationships could I improve by being more open and accepting of others opinions even if I don't agree with them?

One of the things I have found as I get older is that most of us become set in our ways.  We are not necessarily open to new ideas or ways of doing or looking at things.  Our myopic view can prevent us from connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way.  How many times have we had disagreements with our significant other because we had to be right?  How many times have we argued with family or friends because our way is the best way or because we know more than everyone else?  We can surround ourselves with only the people that think like we do or we can be open to others with opinions different than ours.  (It seems the latter provides us much more opportunity to get to know others including the one that could be our soul mate.)

Does any of this mean that we should compromise our values and core beliefs?  Absolutely not!  We still need to be true to our values, but we can be open to new ideas and ways of doing things.  We can allow others to bring us new and unique ways of looking at the world.  The older we (I) get, the harder this is to do though, because we (I) see the world only through our (my) eyes and personal experiences.  The challenge for all of us is to be open to new ideas, new ways of looking at things and the possibility that ours is not the only way to get things done.

Okay.  Now how do we apply this to relationships?  Easy!  It means being flexible especially with the little things.  Example: Do you squeeze the tooth paste tube from the bottom or the middle?  If your significant other does it differently than you, don't argue about it; just buy a second tube and you can each squeeze it the way you like.  This is a simple example of not having to be right.  There are more serious examples that need discussion and compromise and those topics are for you to choose.  Be open.  Be flexible.  It can make life much more interesting and fun.

What are things that have to be "your way" and what are things that you can or have compromised on?  Let us know.

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