Do you ever get disheartened in your search for your soul mate?

The search for your soul mate can be disheartening at times.  You find someone that seems to have all the right characteristics, everything that is on your Must Have list.  You spend time getting to know him or her and learning all about them.  You start to share some very intimate details about your lives and then...it ends.  It doesn't make any difference why it ends...it just does.

This is where self-doubt can creep in.  What did I do wrong?  Am I too picky?  Is this really worth all the effort?  Maybe I'm meant to remain single!

After self-doubt comes frustration.  I'm tired of trying to find the right one!  I don't want to start over!  I'm tired of dating!

These are some very common thoughts and my guess is that every last one of us that has been single for any amount of time has had them at one time or another.  I remember shortly after my divorce thinking that within nine months I would be in a relationship with my soul mate.  It is now more than four years later and I am still single.  I have felt this frustration on several occasions.  I will admit, I do have a lengthy Must Have list and that makes my search more difficult.  But, I'm not willing to settle for less than extraordinary in my next relationship and neither should you.  You need to learn to push past the self-doubt and frustration of searching for your extraordinary relationship.

I firmly believe we all have soul mates that are out there somewhere.  It is just a matter of finding them.  Where do you look?  Everywhere!  On-line, the grocery store, church, the gym, singles social groups, concerts, a blind date, and the list goes on and on.  Open your mind to possibilities that you hadn't thought of before.  You don't always have to be in search of your mate, but do keep your eyes open for the opportunity to meet someone new.

If you are frustrated with the relationships you get into, need help developing your Must Have list, or just have questions about dating, feel free to contact us here or e-mail us at info@luv4alifetime.com.

Are you afraid of being alone or of being lonely?
I was part of an interesting conversation recently. The discussion revolved around several single people in their 50's and their various comfort levels with being alone and being lonely. While almost everyone around the table agreed that they were comfortable being alone, none would acknowledge that they were lonely. Judging by the amount of al...cohol that was being consumed by a couple of the people at the table, my guess is that they were medicating their pain of loneliness.

I am not a counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist but sometimes it is not hard to see when people are self medicating with alcohol or drugs. Many times these are ways of temporarily masking deeper issues. Unfortunately, the issues are still there after the effects of drugs and alcohol wear off.

Being alone should be comfortable most of the time and can actually be healthy. Being alone is a great time to be introspective, think about life, and listen to God. Excessive alone time can lead to unhealthy anti-social behavior. There has to be a balance between being alone and being around others.

Being lonely on occasion is okay. In fact it is normal. At times we all desire the companionship of a mate when we are not in a relationship. Loneliness can become an issue if you dwell on it for long periods of time. How long is too long? Most professionals I have talked to will say it varies from person to person, but if it starts lasting several months, you may want to seek help.

Being alone and being lonely are okay in moderation. If you are having trouble with either one, there are a variety of ways to get past them. One of the most effective ways to combat loneliness is to do something for someone else. Volunteer for a charitable organization. Become involved at church. Join a social group that does something you are interested in. These are just a few ideas. I'm sure you can think of a lot more.

If loneliness persists and you are unable to make it go away on your own, please seek help from a qualified professional. You deserve a great, healthy and happy life.

Do you believe that you can have an extraordinary relationship?

I was having a conversation with a friend last week about her recent engagement. I asked her if her relationship was extraordinary. She said some parts were and other parts weren't. I then pointed out that if her entire relationship was not extraordinary that she was not with her soul mate. She told me that she didn't believe tha...t extraordinary was possible in all aspects of a relationship. It was sad to hear her say that she was willing to settle for someone that was not her soul mate...for someone that was less than extraordinary in all aspects of their relationship.

Ultimately, I know not everyone "get's it". Not everyone will accept the concept that you can have extraordinary in all aspects of a relationship. Some people, for what ever reason, will settle. In the end, it is up to you to decide what you want in a relationship. If you are willing to wait, you can find extraordinary. If you are not willing to wait, you will end up settling for less than your soul mate.

If you don't believe in soul mates, that is fine. The only thing we ask is that you approach the possibility with an open mind. It is too easy to settle into a relationship that is good...but not extraordinary. It is always easier to stay where you are at than to move on and keep searching. The best relationship for you will eventually come your way. Will you be available to meet an extraordinary mate or will you be in the wrong relationship and miss your opportunity?

How willing are you to communicate? I mean REALLY communicate?
Communication is not just about talking. It is as much or more about listening! Really listening. When your mate (or anyone for that matter) is talking, are you really listening or are you thinking about your response. Do you let your mate finish their thought before you jump in with your response or even redirect the conversatio...n to another topic? When you have a disagreement do you just think about why your mate is wrong or do you take an introspective look at yourself to see what you contributed to the misunderstanding? How are flippant or sarcastic remarks taken? Are they take with a sense of humor or are they taken to heart?

Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day. There was a short pause in the conversation and I assumed it was over so I walked out of the room. In the meantime, she started to talk again, not knowing I had left the room. When I returned to the room I explained how annoying it was that she was trying to talk to me from another room. I couldn't understand a word she said. She apologized and said the she hadn't realized that I had left the room. When it happened a second time a couple of days later, I announced that I had left the room about the same time she recognized I was gone. I was annoyed again. For me, this is a learned response from past relationships where a conversation would continue whether I was in the room or not. I never looked at the situation from the perspective of what I could do to fix it. It was always my mate's fault for talking while I wasn't there!

I never had learned to identify my potential contribution to miscommunication. In the situation above, it dawned on me that my friend didn't hear me leave the room. The simple cure is I need to announce when I am leaving!

Be careful with flippant or sarcastic remarks. While they may be said in jest, they may also be shutting down the emotional availability of your mate. How do you know for sure? Ask them and LISTEN to their answer. NEVER dismiss their answer by saying "It was just a joke. I didn't mean anything by it."

When you sense you are not having great communication, that your mate may have shut down emotionally, or you find yourself cutting your mate off in the middle of a thought, take a step back and think about what your roll in the miscommunication is. If you are truly honest with yourself, you will be able to identify your contribution. If you can't figure it out, ask your mate for help. (It is always easy to point out other's flaws!) You will be surprised at how communication will improve when you are both able to admit you had a part in the miscommunication. The key is to identifying where you both went wrong and to work on correcting or unlearning (bad) habits.

You're to picky! You're expectations are to high! You're looking for perfection; it doesn't exist! You'll never find a man/woman that meets all your needs!

 These are just a few of the many statements we hear when we talk to people about finding an extraordinary mate. Because we live in an "immediate gratification" society, we expect to walk in a room full of people, magically find our soul mate, and live happily ever after. That scenario couldn't be any farther from the truth! However, because of our society, we don't want to wait to find that special someone. We don't want to take the time to be a little analytical and learn about our potential mate. (I know! I can hear it now. Analytical!?! How romantic is that? Right?) We need to be able to step back from the blinders of infatuation to see who we are really dating.

Our society continually bombards us with the message that there is no perfect person so stop trying to find perfection. In my reading this past weekend I came across two different articles that made that very point. In essence they both said that no long-term relationship/marriage can be easy because of our differences. Both articles suggested that you find the person that has some great qualities and then settle for less than great for the rest of their qualities.

We whole heartedly disagree. In fact, both articles are dead wrong because they succumb to the belief that you cannot find someone perfect for you. (Notice, I said "perfect for you" and not "perfect". There is no such thing as a perfect person, but there is someone out there that is perfect for each of us.) You should never settle for less than extraordinary under any circumstance. Either your potential mate has everything on your must have list or they don't. There is no in-between. You have found you soul mate or you haven't! Don't fall into the trap of believing you need to settle for less than extraordinary to have someone in your life!

Are you locked into one set of beliefs?
Every now and then I will hear something, read something, or experience something that shakes my basic beliefs. It makes me question what I believe and why. Sometimes as my understanding of a circumstance grows, my opinion will change. Other times, as I gain additional knowledge or understanding, it reaffirms why I believe as I do.

It is good to have ...a strong belief system and to be able to stand up for what you believe. However, it is unhealthy to be so rigid that you are unwilling to review new information or a different paradigm and not be willing to re-evaluate your beliefs. A great example of being open to new possibilities is the woman I wrote about on Tuesday. While she believed in soul mates, she didn't believe there was one out there for her. When she ultimately did find her soul mate, she was open to accepting a new belief...that there was a soul mate for her.

We have had many conversations with people that did not believe that they were worthy of, deserving of, or good enough to have a soul mate in their lives. Throughout their lives, whether because of circumstance, upbringing, or experiences, they developed a set of beliefs that they are not good enough. They set limits on themselves by the lies they believe. It is not hard to see how destructive these lies can be. It is a lot harder to correct that thinking after years of misguided belief.

You believe the way you do for a reason, some valid, some not. The key is be open to all possibilities, including the ones you may not agree with. But at least be open to re-evaluating your beliefs now and then. This applies to whether you believe in soul mates as well as all other beliefs you have.

I believe in soul mates...just not for me.
This is the statement I heard from a friend for several months. Over that time I tried to convince her that there was someone out there for her. It just doesn't happen when we want it to. This weekend I learned that she has found the love of her life. We sat and talked at length about the connection they feel, the similarities they have, and the feel...ing of completeness they feel when they are together. When I speak of completeness, it is not that either one was lacking anything individually, it is that they enhance each others qualities and lift each other to a higher, more joyful level of life.

This is yet another example of someone that didn't believe that the joy and connection of a soul mate could exist for her/him. And, in the blink of an eye, staying on a dating website just one more day before hiding her profile, she was able to find an extraordinary connection. Dating is not easy and takes time and patience. It takes resolve to not settle for anything less than extraordinary.

Where have all the gentlemen gone?
This was a question I was asked over the weekend. There are still gentlemen out there but fewer and fewer each year. Society has changed how we look at ladies and gentlemen these days. In some circles it is frowned upon to have a man open a lady's door. And more times than not, if the woman does enjoy having her door opened, she is not used to it and usually... will not wait for the man to do it. This begs the question; if you want a gentleman in your life, why won't you let him treat you like a lady? And, why don't you act like a lady?

Relationships are a two way street. You have to put in effort to be the type of person you want to attract. Men, you have to treat women with dignity and respect. Women, you have to treat men with appreciation and gratitude. Men, if you are not being respectful, don't expect a lady to be appreciative and vise versa. Do not expect from your mate something you are unwilling to give.

This will be an attitude shift for many people. It needs to start with an inward look at yourself to determine if there needs to be an attitude adjustment or if you actually need to change some poor habits. Some of the smallest changes can yield some of the greatest changes (and results) in your dating life. It all starts with determining what you want in a relationship, doing an honest self evaluation and making the appropriate changes. This isn't rocket science but it does take a little effort.

If you need help, contact us and we will be happy to talk with you.  E-mail: info@luv4alifetime.com

 

What's on your mind?
One aspect of great communication is being able to share what's on your mind. Some times it's sharing intimate issues with your mate and other times it is being able to share thoughts with your best friend. Sometimes... though, we have issues that are so deep, maybe hurtful, or embarrassing that we feel uncomfortable sharing with those closest to us. We don't want our mate or best friend to think less of us because we may have used poor judgment, made a mistake, or failed at something. This is the time that it may be useful to seek out a stranger, a professional counselor or coach.

If you have any negative issues that you are keeping hidden from sight for almost any reason, it may be time to seek help from someone that you can confide in that will protect your privacy. A life coach can help you get past some issues but should quickly realize that deeper issues are best left for trained counselors, psychologists, or psychiatrists.

If you have general dating/relationship questions please feel free to contact us here or at our website at http://luv4alifetime.com/. We will be happy to answer your personal questions. If you have more serious issues to discuss, we have several great counselors in the Kansas City area that we can refer you to. If you live outside the KC area, we will work to find you a good counselor in your area.

Dating Backward, Page 61

Must have a reasonable degree of independence

Small children require assistance and constant nurturing. As a baby grows they begin to explore the world around them. As we move from infant to toddler to adolescent, we gain more and more freedom to explore. As we move through these life stages we gain the ability to make decisions alone and become independent. Life exp...eriences can create fear and a dependency on others or it can go to the other extreme in which total independence and isolation can occur. When basic emotional needs as a child are not met or abuse occurs, this can impact how dependent or independent an individual is. Mature relationships have a balance of respect for individual need and dependence. This is called interdependence.

Interdependence in a healthy relationship allows one to feel that they want to be with their mate but don’t need to be with them. It allows the freedom to have individual activities, hobbies or interests without requiring your significant other to participate. For women, it is going to lunch, a movie or have a spa day with girlfriends without your mate being jealous. For men, it is a day of golf, hunting, fishing or poker without your significant other being jealous. Your true soul mate and you will function in an interdependent fashion. It is normal to depend, want, need, and to have love from another person. It is abnormal to disrespect each other’s need for their space and time. Men like their man cave and women love their bubble bath time. Intrusion on this personal individual private time or denial of it is a red flag.

Relationships require a healthy balance of “me” and “us” time. A couple that spends all of their time together in “us” time generally results in a stunting of individuality and personal growth.

To read the rest of this section, pick up a copy of our book on Amazon.com or at your favorite book store.

Where is the romance?

We have all heard the stories of couples that have lost the romance in their marriage or relationship. "He doesn't take me out anymore like he did when we were first dating." "She doesn't put on make-up or do her hair and doesn't dress up any more." These are common complaints from couples, both married and dating.

Why do we hear these comments? Because we have stopped trying to impress our mate. We get complacent and fall into a rut with life's daily routines. It really doesn't take much to maintain the romance in a relationship. Maintaining the romance can be as simple as having a date night every couple of weeks, going dancing once a month, or just maintaining a routine of doing something different on a regular basis.

It can be more difficult to re-ignite the romance in a relationship if it has died out. Usually when the romance has died out, you have developed patterns or habits that will need to be changed. Changing a poor habit or routine is always more difficult than maintaining a good habit. We often resist change because we are comfortable with the status quo. But, if you want to re-ignite the romance in your relationship, you need to make the effort to do something different. Do something fun. If you can't initially agree on what to do, each of you choose one thing. If she wants to go dancing and he wants to go to a ball game, make the effort to accommodate your mate. I usually prefer that ladies go first so, men, do what your lady would like to do first. Then ladies, do what your man would like to do.

The key is to first talk about what you would like to do. Then plan it together, put it on your calendars and keep your commitments to each other. It's not as much about what you do as it is about doing something together. Finally, enjoy your time together. That is what this time should be all about.

We are proud to announce that we have 2 new bookstores soon to carry our book, Dating Backward; Stonecrest Book & Toy in Lake Ozark, MO and Downtown Book and Toy in Jefferson City, MO.

We have book signings scheduled at Readers World in Lee's Summit on May 31st and Stonecrest Book and Toy on June 21st. Both events will be from 1:00 to 3:00 PM.

Have you ever misinterpreted the intentions of another person?
This has probably happened to everyone at least once, but more than likely several times throughout your life. It can be caused by a simple misunderstanding of body language, a hug, words spoken, or even a kiss. Many times we want to interpret actions of another by what we want them to mean instead of what their actual intention is.... If you are lonely and seeking a relationship, the actions of another can be easily misunderstood to mean that there is more than just a casual friendship desired.

As teenagers and young adults, it is easy to have a crush on someone in hopes they feel the same way. It isn't until we grow in our experience that we gain wisdom to understand some of these feelings. Unfortunately, some people never move past the teenage crush stage. If you have an interest in someone, make it known to them. If there is a mutual interest it can be discovered quickly. If there is not a mutual interest, it is good to know that as well.

To prevent any misunderstandings of intent, it is always best to be direct and ask for clarification. Don't assume you know what someone else desires in a relationship. They could be looking for casual friendships, just having polite conversations, or they may, in fact, be looking for a serious relationship.

Finally, there are people that are only out for personal pleasure with no regard for the other person or their desires. They are the users, the players of life. While this stereotype is most commonly attributed to men, they can be women also. Even when you ask what someone's intentions are, you still have to observe their actions to make sure they align with their words. It is better to ask (even if it is uncomfortable to do so) than it is to assume and be mistaken.

Dating Backward

It's finally DONE!!!

Here is the link to the video trailer for our book, Dating Backward. We hope you enjoy it...and buy a copy or two!

http://youtu.be/EpIi3xW2NJc